I wish I knew

What was on your mind

When our lips met

Was this intended

Or was it purely instinct

An impulse of fancy

What I remember

The hug, and kiss on the cheek

The turn of the head

And the look

You had, and the beat

Of my heart

Booming in my ears

As you leaned in and

Our lips met

Only to look

In your eyes and

kiss you again

Lips so soft

And the pounding in ears

As a hand on chest

And a look

As you left, and the feel

Of your hand

As it slipped

And lingered on mine

As we said goodbye

Leaving me wonder

The intent of actions

Of forbidden lips

And lingering grasps

Paint me a picture

of what it would be like

of you and I together

would it match mine

of hands held

or the feeling of holding you

and the burning

memory of how

our lips met

Paint me a picture

of you and I

together as our bodies melt

from the searing

lust you feel for me

as I unleash the sun

and consume this

desire when our

lips meet…

and our bodies melt…

when life is stranger

than fiction, it is easy

to live in a world

of lies

but that’s not living…

Not for yourself nor more

importantantly

living the truth

And the harder

it is to admit

those lies,

the easier it is

to live without them

You are so pretty

and I’m sure you

Are told quite often

but for me…

…I have to see

if the inside, matches the

outside

She was an object of affection

and an ear to keep me

grounded...

and with all my friends

an object of my

affection...

But time has past,

and the feelings

no longer live

in this heart

that beats only

blood...

It is only flesh and blood

and void of

emotions

no keeper of

secret affections

or acceptance of

emotions

No feelings

to be self-judging

about

or self-loathing

just because a

feeling

doesn't align

with norms

and

so as I walk

on this rainy

night

I bring the objects

of these affections, my

muses

of longing

and adoration

and listen to

the sound of a

heart

that beats only

blood...

In the very cold morning

at the dawn of a winter‘s day

I lay awake as the cold

seeps into the house

strong arming the furnace

with its robust thermostat

and settles on the very last

of exposed skin, my nose

Years of practice, with layers

in the day and layers in the night

of long Johns, sweatshirts and sweaters

do not prepare me for the cold that has

encompassed my nose and then

as fear takes my consciousness at gunpoint, shaking it awake

a fear invades a stark slap of fear

hits…did the furnace go out??!!

faster than the realization of reality

a panic forces me to leap from the warmth of my sanctuary, my bed

and in the seconds that my feet carries me to the door of the utility room

my autonomic response halts me at the bathroom to relieve myself and as I do the cold grips my feet as my toes curl from cramping - “How Damn Cold iS it??!!” I shout at no one…

finished I swing the door to the utility room open and hear the water heater light - “ thanks for that!” And I look at the furnace switch ”on” eyes flaring

why arent you working?? I reach over to the electricsl panel in a daze as parts of my body try to catch up with my panicking brain and I swing the panel door off it’s hinge clattering to the floor

Scsnning with sticky sleep in my eyes

and reach the double breaker labeled

“furnace” and feel it to make sure it’s on

i flick it back and forth regardless not knowing what I’m doing just doing enough to be dangerous…”HOW COLD IS IT IN HERE????” I bark at no one, turning my tubby self around feeling my belly jiggle with each stomp

across the cold wooden floor…

I slide to the thermostat and stand up eyes focusing as the flashing words “Low Bat” fill my sight! “Why is it so cold in here??!! “ I hear and Jump from the unexpected intrusion of the very words I used a moment ago! Not answering, “Where are the Double A batteries??”

Thermostatsouttillwereplacethem..For the furnace to start, it needs the DOUBLE A BATTERIES…”

”I don’t know did you bring them home like I told you to last night?? So that’s your answer…(unintelligible mumbling)

*slam*

Jarring myself away from the wife’s reaction “remote!” I scream…

scrambling to the table I scatter the items resting peacefully to the floor

only to not see it. I quickly scan the love seat and sofa…thrusting hands elbow deep like an ob going in for delivery

but not enough then the flip of the cushions and then the sound of my wife

“…and another thing, when I ask for something it’s not cause I want it I need it and this proves it…what are you doing??” Looking up i say “remote!”

”Clap your hands!” And spins around

(unintelligible mumbling) exasperated

*clap clap* and then as I zero in on the dollhouse right in the living room on the table is the giant sized remote. I grab it squeezing and pushing the cover off a couple of time till it slides with somewhat ease, prying the batteries out

I stomp over to the thermostat

Pulling it from the wall, I push and pull the cover off putting the remote batteries in my left pocket and stomp to the garbage can emptying the old batteries to the receptacle - learning from so many past mistakes…and more yet to learn…

i reach into my left pocket and plunk the remote batteries in…close the cover

snd reseat the device…

59 flashes before me - Jeeze!! I press heat as I hear stomping behind me

”those batteries are just as old so maybe you can run through the drive through after you go get some breakfast cause if you think I’m cooking, we-hell you got another thing coming!”

Hearing the furnace start I look at her as she sits at the kitchen table, remembering what day it was I walk over to her and look at her…”what? You can forget that one buddy!”

I take her hand and pull her up and she says “uh uh” and I merely whisper in her ear as she giggles…”Happy 20th Anniversary, Hottie”

Words and emotions twist

through heart and mind

of this new discovery

that was me all along

of sexuality undefined

of state of mind and

presence of form

in thé shape of a friend

or just someone who

fits the emotion of

a tried and true friend

whose no longer

an unintentional

unreciprocated object

of my affections just

the object of this

new defining moment

of self discovery of

limerical limerence

whose only purpose

was to throw an

anchor onto a person

whose acquaintance I’ve

just charmed, whose

only interaction was a

smile politely at some

friendly humor of

unintentional intent

and not the romantic

reciprocation of feelings

from an utter unknown

just a new psychological

definition of awareness

of self discovery

Words evade me, wrestling

from my grasp

and then float as if taunting,

calling me to chase

They have been silent

for so long I hardly

recognize my old friends

its as if a curtain has drawn

closing off the light

as they mull around

waiting for their turn

at my pen’s tip, waiting to matter

but this curtain, scares me

because the the words have

always found a way

to break through

This black curtain seeps

into my daily life

and words that used to come

so freely in speech

Are starting to escape

as I speak and ideas

have been muddled

to the black goo

of age and memories

of loves and lovers

are slipping from memory

and with no escape

from darkness as I wake

and sit with my coffee

in the morning looking

and hoping that at least

the words will come

with the daybreak

and rescue me from

my fears of age

Waking up, alone on the dock

to our lake house

to the cold and light

of day

not remembering

the time sleep took me

or the hours tears

fell

but remembering the

lateness in the hour

people left and I could

Let go

let go of the tears I held

when you passed

after I changed

the IV and

going to the living

room to get you

a blanket, a twenty

second walk at best

and it was just as if

you had taken a nap

no horrible end

I feared

and as I put the

blanket on you

your head

fell to the side

and I knew you were

gone, and when I called

your name and you didn’t

wake…

the light of the noon hour

had shined it’s brightest

just as if it were

only for you

and as I called the dr

no tears came

and when the coroner

came to take you

it was such a beautiful

day that I felt it right

that you should leave

in such beauty

as if the world used it

all up to see you off

and rightfully so

but it was no match for you

no match for the beautiful

person you are

…were

and it was the memory

of that day that I held

On to, that got me through

the days after, when decisions

that we had not prepped for

cropped up

and left me with tasks to

do, to take these final steps

of your life and see you off

in a way you wanted

to be remembered

and after the arrangements,

after the wake and service

and after the dirt hit the coffin,

i made my way

To the place you loved

and I let go, let it all out

so much so I cried

through the night

and passed out

waking the next day

still in my suit

and with dried tears

on my face

i made my way to

your chair, and reached

out my hand

and like a fool

I half expected it there

and I sat there the

rest of the day

wanting to feel you

there in your favorite spot

to feel the love that

we knew that held us

in the waning hours

of your life