

Lingering Grasps
I wish I knew
What was on your mind
When our lips met
Was this intended
Or was it purely instinct
An impulse of fancy
What I remember
The hug, and kiss on the cheek
The turn of the head
And the look
You had, and the beat
Of my heart
Booming in my ears
As you leaned in and
Our lips met
Only to look
In your eyes and
kiss you again
Lips so soft
And the pounding in ears
As a hand on chest
And a look
As you left, and the feel
Of your hand
As it slipped
And lingered on mine
As we said goodbye
Leaving me wonder
The intent of actions
Of forbidden lips
And lingering grasps
When bodies melt
Paint me a picture
of what it would be like
of you and I together
would it match mine
of hands held
or the feeling of holding you
and the burning
memory of how
our lips met
Paint me a picture
of you and I
together as our bodies melt
from the searing
lust you feel for me
as I unleash the sun
and consume this
desire when our
lips meet…
and our bodies melt…
It beats only blood
She was an object of affection
and an ear to keep me
grounded...
and with all my friends
an object of my
affection...
But time has past,
and the feelings
no longer live
in this heart
that beats only
blood...
It is only flesh and blood
and void of
emotions
no keeper of
secret affections
or acceptance of
emotions
No feelings
to be self-judging
about
or self-loathing
just because a
feeling
doesn't align
with norms
and
so as I walk
on this rainy
night
I bring the objects
of these affections, my
muses
of longing
and adoration
and listen to
the sound of a
heart
that beats only
blood...
A whisper in the ear…
In the very cold morning
at the dawn of a winter‘s day
I lay awake as the cold
seeps into the house
strong arming the furnace
with its robust thermostat
and settles on the very last
of exposed skin, my nose
Years of practice, with layers
in the day and layers in the night
of long Johns, sweatshirts and sweaters
do not prepare me for the cold that has
encompassed my nose and then
as fear takes my consciousness at gunpoint, shaking it awake
a fear invades a stark slap of fear
hits…did the furnace go out??!!
faster than the realization of reality
a panic forces me to leap from the warmth of my sanctuary, my bed
and in the seconds that my feet carries me to the door of the utility room
my autonomic response halts me at the bathroom to relieve myself and as I do the cold grips my feet as my toes curl from cramping - “How Damn Cold iS it??!!” I shout at no one…
finished I swing the door to the utility room open and hear the water heater light - “ thanks for that!” And I look at the furnace switch ”on” eyes flaring
why arent you working?? I reach over to the electricsl panel in a daze as parts of my body try to catch up with my panicking brain and I swing the panel door off it’s hinge clattering to the floor
Scsnning with sticky sleep in my eyes
and reach the double breaker labeled
“furnace” and feel it to make sure it’s on
i flick it back and forth regardless not knowing what I’m doing just doing enough to be dangerous…”HOW COLD IS IT IN HERE????” I bark at no one, turning my tubby self around feeling my belly jiggle with each stomp
across the cold wooden floor…
I slide to the thermostat and stand up eyes focusing as the flashing words “Low Bat” fill my sight! “Why is it so cold in here??!! “ I hear and Jump from the unexpected intrusion of the very words I used a moment ago! Not answering, “Where are the Double A batteries??”
Thermostatsouttillwereplacethem..For the furnace to start, it needs the DOUBLE A BATTERIES…”
”I don’t know did you bring them home like I told you to last night?? So that’s your answer…(unintelligible mumbling)
*slam*
Jarring myself away from the wife’s reaction “remote!” I scream…
scrambling to the table I scatter the items resting peacefully to the floor
only to not see it. I quickly scan the love seat and sofa…thrusting hands elbow deep like an ob going in for delivery
but not enough then the flip of the cushions and then the sound of my wife
“…and another thing, when I ask for something it’s not cause I want it I need it and this proves it…what are you doing??” Looking up i say “remote!”
”Clap your hands!” And spins around
(unintelligible mumbling) exasperated
*clap clap* and then as I zero in on the dollhouse right in the living room on the table is the giant sized remote. I grab it squeezing and pushing the cover off a couple of time till it slides with somewhat ease, prying the batteries out
I stomp over to the thermostat
Pulling it from the wall, I push and pull the cover off putting the remote batteries in my left pocket and stomp to the garbage can emptying the old batteries to the receptacle - learning from so many past mistakes…and more yet to learn…
i reach into my left pocket and plunk the remote batteries in…close the cover
snd reseat the device…
59 flashes before me - Jeeze!! I press heat as I hear stomping behind me
”those batteries are just as old so maybe you can run through the drive through after you go get some breakfast cause if you think I’m cooking, we-hell you got another thing coming!”
Hearing the furnace start I look at her as she sits at the kitchen table, remembering what day it was I walk over to her and look at her…”what? You can forget that one buddy!”
I take her hand and pull her up and she says “uh uh” and I merely whisper in her ear as she giggles…”Happy 20th Anniversary, Hottie”
Of self discovery
Words and emotions twist
through heart and mind
of this new discovery
that was me all along
of sexuality undefined
of state of mind and
presence of form
in thé shape of a friend
or just someone who
fits the emotion of
a tried and true friend
whose no longer
an unintentional
unreciprocated object
of my affections just
the object of this
new defining moment
of self discovery of
limerical limerence
whose only purpose
was to throw an
anchor onto a person
whose acquaintance I’ve
just charmed, whose
only interaction was a
smile politely at some
friendly humor of
unintentional intent
and not the romantic
reciprocation of feelings
from an utter unknown
just a new psychological
definition of awareness
of self discovery
Fears of aging
Words evade me, wrestling
from my grasp
and then float as if taunting,
calling me to chase
They have been silent
for so long I hardly
recognize my old friends
its as if a curtain has drawn
closing off the light
as they mull around
waiting for their turn
at my pen’s tip, waiting to matter
but this curtain, scares me
because the the words have
always found a way
to break through
This black curtain seeps
into my daily life
and words that used to come
so freely in speech
Are starting to escape
as I speak and ideas
have been muddled
to the black goo
of age and memories
of loves and lovers
are slipping from memory
and with no escape
from darkness as I wake
and sit with my coffee
in the morning looking
and hoping that at least
the words will come
with the daybreak
and rescue me from
my fears of age
Lost light…
Waking up, alone on the dock
to our lake house
to the cold and light
of day
not remembering
the time sleep took me
or the hours tears
fell
but remembering the
lateness in the hour
people left and I could
Let go
let go of the tears I held
when you passed
after I changed
the IV and
going to the living
room to get you
a blanket, a twenty
second walk at best
and it was just as if
you had taken a nap
no horrible end
I feared
and as I put the
blanket on you
your head
fell to the side
and I knew you were
gone, and when I called
your name and you didn’t
wake…
the light of the noon hour
had shined it’s brightest
just as if it were
only for you
and as I called the dr
no tears came
and when the coroner
came to take you
it was such a beautiful
day that I felt it right
that you should leave
in such beauty
as if the world used it
all up to see you off
and rightfully so
but it was no match for you
no match for the beautiful
person you are
…were
and it was the memory
of that day that I held
On to, that got me through
the days after, when decisions
that we had not prepped for
cropped up
and left me with tasks to
do, to take these final steps
of your life and see you off
in a way you wanted
to be remembered
and after the arrangements,
after the wake and service
and after the dirt hit the coffin,
i made my way
To the place you loved
and I let go, let it all out
so much so I cried
through the night
and passed out
waking the next day
still in my suit
and with dried tears
on my face
i made my way to
your chair, and reached
out my hand
and like a fool
I half expected it there
and I sat there the
rest of the day
wanting to feel you
there in your favorite spot
to feel the love that
we knew that held us
in the waning hours
of your life