I wanted a reason to feel the way I did when I asked for things and watched him give them to others.

I said “it’s okay” because it wasn’t a good enough reason to feel this aching gaping abyss in my chest.

I wanted a reason for the utter astonishment abandonment of him not having my back but defending all others

In spite of me.

I wanted a reason and I got one as I watched his Mercury eyes winter as he looked at me

The ocean depths I longed to see were pitch dark and lonely when he spoke to me

“I found my reason” I thought, as he closed the door before I drove away.

I found my reason to feel this aching gaping abyss, the astonishing abandonment deep in the depths of my entire being.

A reason to say “I feel this pain and it is okay”

I loved you from the first winter we watched the leaves die.

Through the Spring and her first blooms, we waded through the waters of new.

The magic of the summer sun warmed our hearts as one,

and we skipped through the fall unconcerned.

Through every season and stage of growth, I waited patiently by your side.

I waited for Spring to bless our fields with gardens.

We picked those flowers carefully,

and I held them all these years

until one day you stopped picking them for me.

Autumn came fast and my daisies wilted—I tried to keep them alive.

I could only do so much with these hands since the field had grown so vast.

I could not care for these flowers on my own.

“A rest” I thought.

That was all you needed.

I watched the garden struggle and weep, but I held onto those flowers you gave to me every Spring.

I watered them daily and sang to them at night.

But your rest persisted.

It did not come to an end.

Our garden died in the Spring.

I still hold my last daisy, wondering if I can plant it on my own.

The silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable

The stillness in the air feels like a blanket,

not a noose

Choking on words leads to disaster

when you have nothing real to say,

and I can’t say I enjoy that

-or tolerate receiving it.

Mumbles and grumbles

and stuttering and stumbling

What is it that you’re trying to prove?

That you can make a sound? As if that’s at all impressive

I can yell and scream just like you.

I can laugh and cry,

but I choose not to.

Embrace the peace I have offered you and

find solace in my simple smile.

Feel my hands tighten

around your troublesome neck

and try to understand the gift I am so generously blessing onto you.

There will be no more stammers or sputters,

no more lies to mutter

Just the calm and quiet,

so, save your breath for when you have something worthwhile to say.

Nothing else matters anyway.

I haven't been alright for a while

but that's just fine

I've been keeping my days busy

and filling my nights with bitter wine

I think I snapped a bit

but that's okay

sometimes it feels like gravity works against me

sometimes I feel like I'll float away

If I happen to be lost

that's quite alright

eventually it'll pass as it always does

until then I'm stuck in this helpless plight

I'm not alright now

but tomorrow I might be

I'll keep my days busy and drink bitter wine

while I wait for this burden to pass me

He cried for me

When the snow fell

His tears swelled

And he wept for me

He wept for me

When the sky cried

His eyes dried

But he sighed for me

He sighed for me

When the sun rose

I decomposed

Then he left for me

He came along without a sound

Back then I was presumptuous

and loud

He was much too good for me

I pretended and pushed

aggressively

I showed him all my best sides

and he stuck around for this

broken ride

I made my bed but I was scared

to drag him under

but he didn't care

All I know is that I miss it

before the hurt

I know I liked it

before the pain

I know I felt it

before the punches

I was in it

I was in it so very deep

before the lies

I took the leap

before the cries

I had the key

before the promises

I planned to keep

She hurt me bad

But I'm still me

Sometimes I wonder if it's me

Am I not all I thought I'd be?

When I kiss his hips with extra care

it feels like nothing's really there.

Maybe I just wait a bit too long?

Or should I try a different song?

It's hard to tell when it's so late

It's my habit to complicate

Every little thing I see

or taste or feel or want or breathe

But don't tell me to stop now

I'm already just not sure how

So why don't you please take the lead?

Tell me what you want from me

I'll make sure I do this one thing right

I'll kiss, I'll scream, I'll moan, I'll bite

We have to get this all good now,

or really I'm not quite sure how

we can give our hearts away

and have a reason she should stay

Because even though our hearts are strong

there's no telling where this might go wrong

We have to try to be

exactly what this girl might need

And even if we're not

we gave it our best shot

We did our best to take the lead

and you can still come home to me

I know how it comes across;

to have thrown these words

so casually across the room,

to have but one lovely smile to base this letter on

when they are so clearly aware

and uninterested.

But I beckon reason from you all.

We simply don't see eye to eye

because the eye from me

sees a million eyes,

and of those million eyes, but one sees me

and the other looks away.

Be sure I don't know whose eyes they are,

but my eyes have seen beauty.

Through those I find these words,

carefully picked from inspiration

and allow myself to feel

what those eyes would see.

The first thing I did when I woke

Was force myself back to sleep

I tossed and I turned

And when I finally did get up

I ran through the door

And into the rain

To feel something so delicate

Touching my skin

Then I ran for a mile

And then one mile more

Before taking cover

In the trees

And watched the grey sky pour