You held my hand and squeezed it tightly
As tears stained your cheeks
Like the wine I spilled on the carpet.
We caught it in time,
But there’s an essence left that won’t evaporate.
I replaced my hand with gloves and shears
And I left you the hose to nurture the garden.
There is life under the dirt, I swear;
Buds hidden that haven’t bloomed.
You just have to try.
Nothin’ more & nothin’ less
We all know ’bout everything—
not more & nothin’ less.
We know ’bout what our neighbor’s done
& why his home’s a mess.
We learned it from the Internet,
TV & radio.
We know about the latest fads—
like Honey Cheerios.
Soon all the news will be sent out
directly to our brains.
We’ll hear about new wars & films—
or if it’s gonna rain.
What matters if the world will end
by fiercely, feisty, flames?
There’ll be no way to make it stop—
or start it all again.
I’d like to hide in goldfish bowls
or quiet, sheltered caves.
Just to get a little rest
before I dig my grave.
When they show you what you’re lacking, and you cannot afford to live without it.
I know that I must have become numb
and lost all feeling
Because I still remember the day that my friends came over
(I owe it to my friends–all of my healing)
And they heard my mother, who, unaware of their presence
Accused me of stealing
Snacks at midnight, of hoarding food and eating it alone–
And when I walked out to see them
They told me that I looked beautiful
They handed me a flower, and said I was like the stem.
The strong pillar beneath that becomes a blooming bud
I felt warmth and safety, and that heat
that melted my heart, that kindness that feels sweet
at first, that relief at knowing that someone out there
can still love you, can see you for who you are and for that reason care–
My face was unaccustomed to smiling;
my armor unaccustomed to feeling flower petals
raining from the sky.
I had no clue that people who claimed to care about me
could even be tender–
If this was what a support system was, then I could fly.
––Leaving and forgetting my childhood home became easy.
#growingpains #eatingdisorder #triggerwarning #friendsaregifts @ColdRamen
It’s a Quiet Death under a Silent Breath.
Twist, shake, rip, shock, break
No one knows because they don’t want to
like shielding the sun from your face
Wouldnt believe it if I told you
Tried a million times
They make me into something sick with something to prove
Woulda been better if I hadn’t killed myself when I turned red
Woulda been better if I just learned to play nice and be friends
I love them too much
If I just agree, this will never end
If this won’t end, I want to end
Let’s pretend.. Let’s pretend..
What Could I Do?
What could I do to push you away?
What would you do, if I hurt you?
How could I shock you—with me?
How would it feel to be thrown away?
How could I melt your smile?
How could I make you hate me?
Why do these thoughts keep blooming?
How come I can't believe anything lasts?
A car almost hit me today
It was sleeting and I was crossing the street
On the phone
Window rolled down
Less than 6 feet away
The driver said I’m sorry
Less than 2
A tick sprung from my bedsheets
With a library book I didn’t read
I retreat to my room as my mother giggles to her boyfriend
I’m not telling you!
(She’s not telling him)
Usually I like a slow melt but
Burning makes me do things unlike myself.