Oh, you want to know about my writing?
I ask with a half quizzical smile on my face, sure he was handsome and I appreciated the question, but was he deserving of the answer?
I pause for a second as we make eye contact that made me feel like he's already read my writings.
"I write from the heart", I say after a moment.
"So you wear your heart on your sleeve?" he asks with a wink.
"I wear my heart on chest", I say blushing as I nervously fiddle with my necklace.
"That's not a bad place to keep it" he says smiling at me, "I would love to read your work sometime".
"I would love to show you, I write poetry mostly."
"Poetry huh?... poetry comes from the heart does it not?" He asks.
"Poetry is thought in the heart and spoken by the soul, poetry is in every inhale and exhale-" i blink as I realize im babbling on. We lock eyes and for a moment in time we are alone and I know he understands- me, my writing, my soul.
"Thats the beauty in poetry" I somehow manage to speak, "it brings souls together."
He reaches across the table to my hand, "What do you say we get out of here?" He says with a twinkle in his eye...
what gets my love?
when the words you are reading no longer are words
when they create a story in your head
taking you to another world completely
and when you finish reading you rush to reread it
when you read a line that really hits home
when you look up from your screen
and see the words in front of you
in all of the words of the world
and in all of the languages
emotions from the heart
are always loved.
Permission
my whole live ive looked for permission-
permission to run, permission to walk,
permission to sing, permission to talk.
ive struggled to be perfect at everything i do,
being told time and time again,
"smile be good, everyone is watching you".
it wasnt until i had my own freedom
and i could do what i wanted-
that i could turn my pain
into (waves of) wisdom.
with permission of my own
i started to write-
about the live ive lived
and what kept me up at night.
the thing about permission
is its a whole new emotion
one that im proud to feel
everyday without hesitation.
RIP to the me who didn’t make it to 2023...
"you became who you needed to be in order to survive,
now,
its time to become
who you need to be in order to thrive."
The year is 2016.
I have short blonde hair, not by choice, but from all the voices around me saying I'll look prettier that way.
I was told I needed to exaggerate my story or no one wanted to hear it.
I was told to stay by his side because he would guide me to the other side of success.
All these voices telling me something different, voices talking about me when I'd leave the room, voices that would stop talking when I would enter their view.
No matter how hard I worked, or for whom I worked hard for, to them, I was just a nothing girl, who came nowhere, nothing special.
They treated me like I was nothing, but they talked about me like I was the one who ran the show.
The only wrong I did, was I didn't believe in myself. I listened to what they said, sometimes to my face, and sometimes to my back, but I listened. I would go home and cry but I couldn't cry too loud, because everyone thought I ran away to have fun.
Did I run away to have fun? Sure.
Did I have a fun time running? Not so much.
It was easy to laugh it off and say she don't care, I guess it was easier when I didn't look like myself. I could act like the me that they thought I was; but that wasn't the real me.
No, the real me only came out years later.
It took a few years, a few jobs, a few yoga classes, a few journal entries, and a few prayer to God, but she made it.
With her hair long and healthy and natural, stepping into her power of HER.
Knowing what she wanted, because she herself wanted it. No one whispering into her thoughts telling her otherwise.
She could do anything- and more important, she could do it herself.
Change is scary and vulnerable, starting over, changing your hopes and dreams. But to go from having people tell you your hopes and dreams, to having your own well thought out hopes and dreams, the ones we create ourselves are always the sweeter.
How did she find her own hopes and dreams?, you might be asking, it came from a volleyball.
She had already changed her hair, and her job, and now it was time for her to change the people around her. So naturally, she turned to Tinder! (haha!)
Headache after headache, she was ready to give up, when she came across a picture of a man and a pizza. (That's another story for another month's challenge...)
She befriended the man and the pizza, and after weeks of talking they realized they were better off as friends, which is exactly what she was looking for.
Next thing our girl knew, she was ankle deep in a sandpit surrounded by 20 people she barely knew! That pizza man had a way of planning one thing and it turning out another...
Thus is began the volleyball era. Every weekend they would get together and play endless rounds of volleyball until the sun went away. And then it was time to party! They would go to dinner, get boba tea, hot the clubs, and hit the hookah lounges. Before they all knew it, they had become one big crazy family, her at the center as the dedicated "mom" of them all.
We won't talk so much about that, but love, heartache and heartbreak followed for a years. She stayed because she thought they needed her, she stayed because she thought she needed them. What a tangled web they all wove around each other.
She tried her best, and somedays it was worth it.
Like when they all packed their bags and headed off to to a new place none of them had been. Cramping into a van, fighting over who sleeps on the bed, getting the munchies and feeling higher than plane they got there on.
It was a magical place, a feeling she never felt...was it because she was there with them, or was there something else?
Even after they packed up and left, she never forgot. It was like a piece of her heart to got to feel something she never felt before?
A few more years go by, but she never forgot, she got to a point so low, she knew it was time to go back.
Without thinking twice, she purchased her ticket, started packing, repeating over in her head, "fuck it!"!
When she got to her place, she immediately felt that feeling again.
She followed that feeling, and listened to heart, she found all the inspiration to complete her new start.
It's not a bad thing to want to move or start over, especially when you find your place, that leaves you feeling like none other.
By the end of her trip, she felt all the love and hope she needed, but God had a plan, one he created.
Sitting by herself, sipping her tea and reading her book, thinking about her life she would stop at nothing to achieve, when a boy with brown eyes came up to her with ease...
They got to talking and found out he was from from where she currently lives, he whisked her away, for one more night before she leaves.
They paraded around the town sharing all their hopes and dreams, feeling more full than anything she ever dreamed.
She felt whole and complete, and them brown eyes sure helped, but it was something that she created herself, with a little wink from Heaven.
She now really learned, how to love herself, in a town where no one knew her, but somehow it all worked out.
She hated to leave, but made a promise to herself, "you have to leave, in order to come back".
It's been a few weeks since her return, everyone asking where did her blush come from?
It wasn't about the boy with brown eyes, or the memories she shared with other years before, but a place that filled her with love and ease, and felt closer to herself than ever before.
She realized that she was working hard all these years for people other than herself, so with inspiration and determination, she sat down to write. Writing about all the details up to that point, and what had kept her up at night.
Sentences grew to pages, and somehow ended up here, prouder then ever, her words full and sincere.
Life is filled with deaths and new beginnings, sometimes they happen to us, sometimes we cause them, something they are brought upon us.
But with the death of the one we used to be, a kinder, softer, new soul, is now free.
We always have the strength, will, and power, even on those days when we lay in bed and cower.
Look to the moon, look to the stars, and look to the Lord above, there is inspiration and hope, waiting for you with love.
If you'd made it this far, the girl thanks you kindly, for freeing her words she thought were dead and buried.
One thing she learned along the way, as long as you have a voice, there is someone out there always willing to listen. <3
Countless
how many times
did i have to fall in love
before i fell in love with myself?
... countless
how many places
did i have to move
before i realized
i am my own home?
... countless
how many lies
did i have to tell
before i realized
i wasnt okay?
... countless
how many prayers
did i have to pray
before God said
okay?
... countless