There couldn't be a more ordinary existence, I had thought. The repetitive waking, rising, grooming, and leaving. A lifeline packed into a bag that is unceremoniously tossed from one bed to another. The sun rose and blinded already strained eyes through a cracked windshield. Frost clung to the glass in poorly shaved shards at the perimeter.

"You wouldn't be shivering if you wore a bigger coat." Dad chastised behind the wheel with his one hand gripping the leather and the other cupping a mug. And of course this advice is ignorant. There are two teenage girls, no longer small and slim, crammed onto the bench seat next to their father in his truck. Thighs smashed together that stick to the seat in the warmer months and need to be peeled up and off one another. There is hardly room that would have accommodated our regular being, let alone a thicker coat.

"My locker won't fit a coat and I'm not lugging it around with my full backpack all day." I grumbled, not wanting to hear it again, and not dating to give him reason to claim he's "doing ask he can and I need to be more grateful." Every conversation was a platform for his lectures.

"What's in your bag? Books?" He cackled. Insinuating once again that I'm an illiterate. His punishment of choice always was to lock us in our rooms with a book for hours. I took to folding or ripping the pages in protest. As a result, I would stare endlessly at the wall, seeking images in the texture and creating my own adventures . He didn't appreciate that much either.

He dropped us off at our final destination. A massive brick building with small uniform windows and a chain fence causing foot traffic to pick up on the side of the road. We would hop out and retrieve our bags from the bed of the truck. A weight lifting off my shoulders which was quickly replaced with the thick straps of my bag.

"Have a good day." He calls out as he throws the truck in gear. Thick plumes of smoke blowing back into my face. And the ecstacy of the scent spreads a smile across my face. He would leave for two weeks before returning again for one weekend. He cried and begged for more time, but they do not grant that against the children's wishes. His only real grumble being about wanting to reduce child support, not wanting to support his children.

It took two years after graduating for me to see that mundane existence was not mundane, it was toxic. His abuse being mental instead of physical. The hours long monologuing to a captured audience was torture, an abuse of power, and a window in to his delusions. The reality was that he lacked the very control he would white knuckle.

I think fondly of the exhaust billowing into the frigid morning sky. Only after the toxic matter dissipated did I truly understand the rich decadent feeling of breathing fresh air. And when I walked forward, leaving him behind, my day would always be brighter. I ended the cycle and breathe with the knowledge that fresh air is a well deserved treat to share with my children.

Feelings come and go in waves, but sometimes I catch a feeling that feels like it belongs to someone else. Strange and consuming. Alarming and looming. It creeps in like sepia in a frame and I become an audience of reality. I am removed and paralyzed. Like a dream clasped in demons claws, the world becomes overwhelming in waking stillness. There is no true threat, only a pulling at the back of my mind. An intuition of what's to come. Or what has been. If only I could remember to breathe. I sit with my hands in my lap and watch as it passes me by. I have survived a moment of all consuming doom. A treachery of the consciousness that passes as quickly as it comes on. Not a soul reacts to my own personality earthquake and I am left shaken. All I can do is stand and move forward. Stay resilient until the memory is triggered by a sister event, much easier to conquer. The only real way out is through.

What is my definition of Love? Love is a sacrificial attachment. You bond to someone for ther desirable qualites + kindred spirit. Once you love someone or something, you have a deep and meaningful connection to it/them. Love is a decision and compulsion. Love is like gravity and it pulls you towards what it is that gives your life purpose. Love is a missing piece of your essence find elsewhere that you long for in order to feel whole. This is why we can think we're in love and than wake up one day to realize we are still fractured. Love is a depth. Love is an act, a defining behavior, and a tangible presence in the heart.

Her finery on display

Hair soigné

A gracious host, some may say

She glides each step

Meticulous in motion

A perfume of the finest potion

A manner calculated

And interests well imitated

At first you might be intimidated

Until you're not

Disillusioned by the need

Unprompted by her greed

You step away unceremoniously

Only to return

With cheeks that brightly burn

And an internal yearn to snap

Give your toothy smile

Grin and bare your fangs

If she crosses paths she'll feel the pangs

Meek you might have been

Weak she might just win

But you found your nerve

Become the beast she does deserve

Hello, sweet man,

We started out at a walk and covered a great distance. Between the parties and the games, the work life balance and the big move across the country, we have been tested. I fell, you lifted me up. You fell and I raised your spirits. I couldn't ask for a better partner; a more devoted love. I know things have been hard. Things get harder every year, and last years challenges seem like a breeze today. We've merged into one, perfect being. Your eyes, my nose, you're ears, my stubborn streak, your empathy. Our son is the sun. He loves the moon and we swoon over him. My love for him cements my love for you. Your are the best husband and father. This challenge isn't for the faint of heart. We've faced trial by fire and have not let the world conquer our resolve. I admire that in you, that you never give up. You're for me and I for you. I still drown in the pools of your blue eyes. I still have the giddy tingles in my stomach when we lock gazes. All of your hard work to uplift our family only makes your good looks all the more devastating. I would choose you for a million lifetimes. I would choose you if you lost it all. If you fall, I'll catch you. And you know that.

With all my heart

M

I sit in the gray night

Gifted goosebumps from the gale

Monotone in delight

Whooshing winds wind and whistle

Soothing a mind most contrite

Breathing breezes and bores

Hopeful of being in the right

Life lies within learning lessons

Yet application takes might

Beyond the brick barrier brightens

I no longer feel so tight

Coming to conclusions consistently

Beyond what's black and white

I saw you with your red face

Your mask had slipped and fell away

Your hellish grin plastered on

For a fight I was not prepared to have

One step forward and two back

A crowded room of victims

And yet they look this way or that

Enabling your wicked impact

I screamed to no end

No rescue, only hushes and sighs

I ran into awaiting arms

Only for the villain to attack

Stabbed right in the back

I turn to plead for salvation

I was assured it would be true

So I left to a safe place

Only to be followed

And have the knife twisted

When my guard was down

The edge of the sky met land

Wind whipped and grayed by clouds in the blue spring morning

My company all flanked the way from end to end

Their eyes focused and purposefully searching

And I sat back, anxiously unaware of our missions purpose

"I've got one!" The elder cries

Hands cradling and cupping shut

"Let me see!" Demands the boss

Or shall I say, MY boss

The others return their steadfast attention

My heart beated loudly in my ear

I crouched and waited

Unaware of my desperate need of lenses

The green crabgrass mocked me

Dancing the "nanny-nanny-boo-boo" dance

Green on green, I squinted

Watching leaping legs of girl and bug

I took my chances to show effort

Diving palm first into the lawn

Only after the impact was I able to see them jump

The wheels of my mind turned

If I could only scare them out

Then I could catch the creature

My hypothesis was put to the test

I really didn't like bugs

I don't like bugs

I saw it bound out of hiding

I shuddered

No thanks

The boss was looking

I feined my subsequent attempts

More calls of triumph rang out

The clouds covered the sun

I kicked at the dirt and sighed

"Where do you think you are going?"

The boss sounded displeased

"I don't want to touch the bugs." I huffed

"They aren't bugs, they're grasshoppers."

"Nuh-uh." I scoffed and turned

My sisters crossed their arm

The eldest and the boss

Then the other girls called triumph

The others had caught more grasshoppers

And I went home early to be alone

I don't know how to tell you I love you in a way you're going to hear. I can bake you brownies in the shape of a heart, but you're not a fan of sweets. I could write down the qualities your possess that I admire in earnest, but perhaps the paper is too impersonal. I can share with you a song that has pieces of my affection for you in the chorus, but it might not be your jam. Easily dejected, I know it shouldn't sit on my hands and wait for you to tell me how to love you. Your love is so giving and so dutiful that my gestures feel hollow at the core. Sitting with you in a comfortable silence might sooth your weary and over worked body, but I vibrate with fear that I am missing a gesture of grandeur that would encapsulate the depth of my devotion to you. But maybe that's not loving enough. Maybe love is calm. Maybe love is in the threads that form the fabric of a life and not the buttons that keep a garment together. At any rate, I'll bake the brownies, find the song, write you a note, and sit in comfortable silence. Because you are worth making an effort for, and maybe love is a being of its own and not an actionable entity.