i've always hesitated to share my story because i've been afraid of the judgement, but i realized that my story may inspire or help someone out in the world who needs it, so here it is. !!! trigger warning due to topics that are alluded to during this - please read ahead with caution !!!

today i heard a quote that said, "what you do not see in yourself, others see in you. you do matter."

it really stuck with me, y'know? as someone who's struggled for seven years to return to somewhere close to the self love i used to have, this quote hit close to home. ten year old me struggled a lot with seeing the value in herself and at one point didn't see any reason to stick around. i almost made some pretty dumb choices that would have completely altered the course of my life, but something in me told me to hold on and continue on despite the pain i was experiencing.

seven years later, i am so thankful for that something in me. if that little voice hadn't broken through the shadows, i probably wouldn't be here sharing a part of my story and writing this right now. sure, i've still had many ups and downs in life since then. it's been quite a journey trying to dig myself out of the hole i had created for seven years. i've made progress and i've had setbacks but it's all been worth it.

i've loved and i've lost. i've given so much of me to people who didn't reciprocate and bared parts of my soul to people who didn't deserve to know me that personally. i've loved people with an energy that they were incapable of matching. i've given my all to things that haven't worked out, but i don't see it as an incredibly negative thing.

the way i see it is that yes, it hurt, but not everyone is meant to be a permanent part of your life. whether they're there for days, weeks, months, or even years, not everyone will be there forever. some people come to stay and some come to teach you something you'll need in the future. i've learned from those who have come and gone and i continue to learn from those who have stayed. i've allowed myself to fall for people even though i've been broken by others before. it seems that my good heart has so much love to give and there are definitely moments where i'm surprised i'm not stone cold and heartless, but i know that that's not who i am, and i truly believe my heart knows that too. i credit that as the reason i continue to love like i've never been hurt and try to see the good in everyone (which i will admit has screwed me over).

if you told ten year old me that in seven years, she would find her passion and fall in love with someone who met her love's energy, i don't know if she'd 100% believe you or not. what i can tell you is that it would probably give her hope that she so desperately needed to hear. if i had known back then what i do now, i would know that everything i have gone through leading up to now would all be worth it.

if you're still here reading this and you're struggling to find where you're supposed to be or you don't see a point anymore, please know that you do have a purpose and things will in fact improve and get better. the sun does come out again and life is in fact worth it.i'm so proud of you for still being here despite your struggles and hardships <3

one year and one month

395 days

9,480 hours

568,800 minutes

that’s how long i let you hurt me

that’s how long i continued to try and see the good in you

that’s how long i went ignoring everyone telling me this wasn’t good for me

you manipulate

you threaten

you don’t stop

your anger festers and burns

you don’t take a minute to stop

it pours out in violent words and broken walls

i told you no more

and you told me i was almost at your level

i’ll let you believe it

but let’s be honest

you know this is on you

you don’t want me around

that’s ok.

i don’t need you.

but let’s make something clear.

i can’t forgive you for all you put me through

and i sure as hell won’t forget it.

-m.s.

the ones awake at 3am

are many things.

they are the loved,

the lonely,

the artist,

the writer,

the creator,

the silence seeker,

the thinker.

the ones awake at 3am

are the ones looking for something.

purpose,

meaning,

understanding.

they ponder their lives then,

wondering how they could've had

a very different now.

3am is for

the dreamers,

the adventure seekers,

the ones longing for something new.

it is for

the heartbroken and

the heartbreakers.

it is for

the lost and

the found.

it is for

the ones who wish to find themselves

among the words,

the lyrics,

the sky.

3am is for revelation,

for all the thoughts to start to make sense

only to go unmentioned when the sun starts to rise.

3am is not for the light hearted.

it is for the beaten,

the broken,

the hurt,

the healing.

it’s days like this one

that make me fear the word

”almost”.

because on this day,

he almost died.

almost.

it’s the point where

things could go one of two ways:

they could fall apart

or

they could fall together.

this time,

almost teetered on the edge

of everything falling apart.

when i found out,

i thanked whatver higher power

there may be

for letting him stay.

there’s something very sobering

about experiencing an almost.

it’s a reminder

that life works in

mysterious ways.

in a single instant,

we could lose the most important

things in our lives.

in a single moment,

we could achieve everything

we’ve worked for.

almost is the moment

right before either outcome.

it’s the moment where

everything could change.

almost is the reminder

to take a moment

and be grateful for everything

we have in our lives.

you never know when things could change.

″ᴡ ᴏ ʀ ᴅ s” is a book of writing that came from within.

for a long time, i’ve held in how i feel. i don’t really talk about the things that bother me, i don’t go into detail about some of my past.

writing this book and these pieces has been a way for me to finally let go of the things i’ve bottled up for so long, to finally let go of all the pain. it’s been a way for me to open up and bare a bit of my soul to the world.

i will admit, i started this as a way to try and get my work out there. i wanted to try and make myself known to a wide variety of people. in writing this, i’ve discovered that i don’t need the approval of a ton of people. i just want my words to impact someone, even if it’s only one person.

so to you, the person reading this, i hope you find something you’ve been searching for among these words.

-m.s.

late evening.

she stands in the bathroom,

staring at her reflection.

she’s spent years despising

the person that stares back at her.

her eyes wander over her body,

her hair, her face, her neck,

her shoulders, her arms, her chest,

her stomach, her legs, her feet.

her mind distorts the mirror,

making her see

the worst.

she hasn’t liked what she sees

in a very long time.

he comes and stands in the doorway,

leaning on the doorframe,

arms crossed over his chest.

“is it happening again?”

he asks, a sad look crossing his face.

she looks at him in the mirror,

tears in her eyes.

“it’s never stopped.”

he walks up behind her,

placing his hands on her waist,

looking at their reflections.

“you know what i see when

i look in the mirror right now?”

he asked her.

she shook her head.

“i see the most amazing person

i’ve ever known.

i see a wonderfully talented person

who can do anything she puts

her mind to.

i see a beautiful, perfect girl

who i fell in love with

the minute i saw her.

she is everything i have

ever wanted,

ever dreamed of having.

she is the other half

that completes me.

i don’t know where i’d be

without her.”

she smiles a real, genuine smile,

the tears running down her face

are happy ones.

he leans down,

whispering in her ear,

“i will never let you forget

how lovely you are”

he looked into the mirror,

making eye contact with her.

they shared a smile, for they knew

this was love -

being there for each other

not only in the higher moments,

but in the lower ones too.

-m.s.

it’s a sunday evening.

he said you guys had a whole week

to think about things.

another rough patch, another disagreement.

is it worth continuing?

you think so.

it’s a monday morning.

you dread going back and

seeing his face.

you dread the entire week,

not sure what’s going to happen.

you face the day regardless,

you hope for the best.

it’s a monday afternoon.

he approaches you and your friends.

pulling you aside, he says the thing

you hoped you wouldn’t hear.

you hug him

one

last

time.

he leaves,

leaving you in tears,

watching your friends

hug you, tell you

it’s going to be ok

as the tears flow heavily.

but will it?

it’s three months later,

an early wednesday afternoon.

everyone is out walking.

darling, this is not your day.

she came out of nowhere,

attacking you because she

didn’t know better.

you spend a day excused from class,

some of your closest friends there

with you.

once more, the tears flow.

what have you done to deserve this?

unexpectedly, he comes in at lunch.

you’re standing there,

fucked up face, swollen finger,

dirty jacket.

he comes over to you,

offering a hug.

in this moment,

a million memories flash back.

you’re surrounded by his scent

once again,

enveloped in his arms -

a place you didn’t think you’d

ever be again.

he tells you

he heard what happened.

he wanted to make sure

you were ok.

how do you tell him

you really aren’t?

how do you tell him

your heart still aches?

how do you tell him

the truth?

simple.

you don’t.

you look at him,

tell him you’re ok.

lie to his face,

hope the tears don’t flow

once again.

darling, you’ll be ok someday.

it’s going to seem rough now

but it will all work out

the way it was meant to.

-m.s.

there’s so much cliche

around eyes like yours.

there’s a million stories,

a million comparisons,

every single one to

the ocean,

the sky.

i hate to become the author

of another commonplace cliche,

but my god,

i’ve drowned in them.

they really are like the ocean.

they dragged me in like the tide,

sucking me into the depths

of your soul.

the gaze that washes over

from the calming blue

is enough to erode any walls

i had ever tried to build.

all it took

was one single glance,

one moment of contact,

because my god...

i fell in love with

your blue eyes.

-m.s.

it’s been three years,

but i’ve finally come to

terms with it.

this is where the fault lies.

i should’ve known better

than to give my heart

to a boy who couldn’t

give me his.

i should’ve seen

the signs.

i should’ve seen

what i was getting into.

i should’ve loved me

before i ever loved

you.

-m.s.

#freeverse #heartbreak #love

this is a letter to you, the ones who made me who i am now.

to the first girl who made fun of me -

i should hate you, but somehow i find my hatred for you gets overpowered by the hatred i now have for myself. i hate myself because of you, which should be why i hate you, but i think that now i hate me more than i hate you. i should hate you for all the things you said about me. i should hate you for how you made me into the mess i don’t want to be. i should hate you for shattering my self confidence. i should hate you for making me feel like i was nothing, nobody, worthless, but i don’t. i guess i have to thank you too, though - you’re part of the reason i’m trying to be a better person.

to the first boy who broke my heart -

i should hate you for what you did to me. i should hate you for the way you used me as an emotional toy to help you cope with everything you were feeling. i should hate you for the way you made me feel like i can’t go to people about my problems because you got mad at me for pretty much everything. i should hate you for confessing to a girl back in your hometown that you still had feelings for her while we were together. i should hate you for talking shit about me to one of my friends. the hardest part of this one is that i’ve accepted that you’re just egotistical, full of yourself and that’s just the person you are but god, i want to move past it. i can’t hold on to everything you’ve done to me and let it destroy me. so instead of hating you, i’m going to let it all go. you are not worth my time and haven’t been for a while.

to everyone who’s suffered through something similar -

you’ve made it through some really shit things. you’re doing great and i’m proud of you. sending love to you.

-m.s.