Is it really supposed to hurt this much when you're so young?

Who am I to fall in love?

I did it to myself and I am ashamed

Because I want to be happy but I want you more

There was a time when I had both

But the memories of the happiness I shared with you are just sad now

But you're probably happy

And that's all that matters.

Today, my therapist pissed me off. Honestly, I think it's the first time she's ever pissed me off within the 4 years that I've been seeing her. I know it wasn't her intent, but she was judging me. She was making assumptions about me. And maybe some of those judgements and assumptions were true, but we both know I have a stubborn mind. And that was not what I needed. Specifically not from her, she's my therapist. I'm supposed to value what she says. But I cannot bring myself to say I am loving wrong. It's so unfair. I wanted her, and yes I was hurt in the midst of it all, but let me hurt. Maybe then I can learn to heal.

It hurts to know that what we had was so good, and that I didn't have any time to prepare for this type of ending. You came into my life and you made things right. You opened my eyes and brightened my days. And I did everything in my power to love you and I never held back. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and others have not given you that. Instead they used you. But me, I put you at the very top of my list. You said that's one of the things you admired about me, the fact that I wouldn't give up on you. You said you were finally beginning to feel okay, you were finally opening up, something you hadn't done for a couple years. You told me you loved me, and you said you weren't afraid to admit it. You were the one who told me that we were destined to run into problems, but that what we had was strong enough to keep holding on. You told me I wasn't someone to give up on. And I understand you're hurting. You didn't want to hurt me. You warned me that you were a mess. I didn't care. You're the best thing that's walked into my life, and now I'm watching you casually walk back out. It hurts because I can't blame you. It hurts because you started to not be okay again. Not because of me, but because of your past. You wouldn't let me help you. Instead you pushed me away. I can't blame you, I know you're hurting. And it hurts me to know how miserable you are feeling. I just wish what we had was enough, like how it once was. I'm confused on where that went. And now I can no longer call you mine. You could completely disappear out of my life if you wanted to, and you say you don't want that, but you're slipping away, I feel it. I hate the fact that one day, when you get yourself better, you'll already have forgotten about me. Others will fall for you, I know they will. You're amazing. And they might have a chance with you, while I'm just another stranger to you. And it hurts because you're honestly one of a kind, and I'll never find someone as imperfectly perfect as you are.