Brother lovely
I used to think, we will get out of this,
We will grow up soon,
He can't live forever.
We will be ok.
Then, I thought it's just a bad day.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I thought you'd come out of it.
Figured you were so so much stronger.
But I guess you werent.
Don't even know who you are now.
All twisted and poisonous inside.
Wearing his skin, and saying his words.
Can't even function, nothing is coherent.
Where is my brother, lovely little brother.
I thought you'd always be my best friend.
Now your just a monster with matted hair.
Iyouwe
I hate poems with I, and you and we. I am trying to pull you in so that we might see the same thing simultaneously. I want to erase you so that we don't exist. I want to be better than you so that we know I'm not a fuck up. I want to silence you so that we can breathe. I want you to think I'm clever so that we know I'm not stupid.
Dead not forgotten draft 1
Heard a sad song, and now all I can think about is a cigarette. See a black car and I wonder if it was yours. I dont know how to grieve for someone who was so hurtful. I know you were hurting just as much, but you cant take it back now, nothing makes it better. I think I have more in common with you now, then I did when you were around. I wish it could have been different. I wish you hadn't been rotten on the inside. You would have been enough, if you had just been kind.
It
It sits in the corner.
It waits.
It's biding its time until were alone.
It will wait until I am asleep.
It does not care that I am only ten.
It smokes and drinks to dull it's memory.
It will cut off my wings.
I will not dream of flying anymore.
I will sink into a pit of shame and despair.
They will not believe me.
Conundrum
The dissonance of life echoing through the cluttered hallways in my brain is an unending cacophony reminding me that I'm doing it all wrong.
It keeps stacking up on top of you until there's no way to get out from under it, pressing down until you feel your bones creaking.
Everyone seems to have goals and purposes and motives but I can't figure out who I am or what I want.
Today
My toxic father follows me through my life.
His evil seeps into every pore of my existence.
I cannot eradicate his stench no matter how hard I scrub and scrape and run.
You want someone to love, someone to love you but he shows up to hate you and break you down and tear apart your soul in the skins of someone else.
Everytime, you tell yourself it will be different but underneath the mask it's all the fucking same.
I hate you until the earth incinerates and there is nothing left.
I hate your lies and your teeth grinding into the back of my skull; your poison in everything. There is nothing left that is free of your cold grasp.
The fake smiles. See, look. Everything is fine. Don't blink twice. 100. 1000 he will never die.
And I will keep writing shity poems, hoping my hate will curse him with ill fortune and praying to gods that probably don't exist that he will die soon.
Anxiety
A balloon is filled, and then more, and more, and again more. You are waiting for it to pop, you hold your breath as you hesitate and wait.
The gun is loaded, the safety released, finger on the trigger, resting against it, ready. You wait and you hold your breath, any minute now, any second, keep waiting.
The plane will land, lower and lower and lower. The wheels will eventually touch, they have to, but you are still going lower and lower.
You're deep underwater. Hold your breath or you will die. The water will consume you. Hold it in, but you can't control it, there is a balloon expanding against your ribs, pushing out on the walls of your chest, they will surely explode.
Not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet like the song my daughter listens to about black socks.