hello people who follow me!

i feel like ive always been pretty passive on here and with my writing

but im trying to change that and let meyself dive deep into a story thats been in my mind for a while now.

i'll be posting chapters here plus writing this novel as a part of nanowrimo.

if youre doing nanowrimo, please add me as a buddy! i would love to connect and follow each others progress.

https://nanowrimo.org/participants/enna-paz

happy writing + reading

/enna.paz

[let us go then, you & i when the evening is spread out against the sky] & in the stars you see

over duomo di milano (hanging, hanging) you, naked, walk to the clothes rack

in the dark after we close out the spagnoli show & under the stars

you are fluid

[in the room the women come & go] for once i see the east market diner with its

doors shut & you call tesoro allora

i look south to find the city sinking in the sea

in twenty years amsterdam will be underwater; you & i

hold hands for the crosswalk & let go

[the yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes] & in backdoor 43 we breathe

summer coming warm against the back of your neck

you run round the traffic circle once

your red hair in the traffic lights

if i cried on the aeroplane then i call you

a ghost of a woman already & not a woman

[& indeed there will be time] for the shores of hard islands called lovers

to soften, & more than that there will be time

for the autumn to grow sun-scarred

nothing in us is bright as the devil in his

big white plastic suit

attending the funeral of a close friend

[in the room the women come & go] if only my heart were not so loud so when you

carry my camera on the train to lake como & i am a feral warm thing

it is the wind, a little shame; you turning over in bed & calling cucciolo

min kjæreste i answer

i call my close friend jannik & he tells me about early hours in nictheroy

he shows me all the sun where i have moon

i have moon & you sleep through it all

[& indeed there will be time] for us to return to the east market diner & find

the sign which says torno subito you laugh

i mistook you for the kind of light that comes between buildings when

i settle back into a corner chair

listening to the girls in the street singing

& i sing som hærsker og rår

[for i have known them all already, known them all] where you, so whole, laid naked

on an empty pillowcase & i struggled to remember

there was once a girl inside your body

som hærsker og rår & if i held it in my mouth, would it melt? i would like to

leave a small warmth where your body was; if i could, i would like to

eat pancetta out of plastic wrap &

i would like to see your body sometime

[& i have known the eyes already, known them all] there are places where rain does not

feel cold, even in the shade beneath a store awning

on via lodovico muratori while

the stars, low & luminous, thin into darkness

[shall i say, i have gone at dusk] after the beccaria show & felt the fear of entering

your body—it is too dark for me; i whisper elskede skatten min when it is

so late at night the night is just

somewhere the moon does not shine & not the moon

[i should have been a pair of ragged claws

scuttling across the floors of silent seas

& the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully] we creep into the bomb shelters

(no one is there) you say isaaco (not my name)

i love you elskede even in the dark of the bomb shelters

i am this shape of hummingbird

watching you from a telephone wire as you bathe

[& would it have been worth it, after all] if the rivers had drained when you said they would

& in the dazzle of sunlight off the reservoir

the city lay flat as a peppermint leaf

in the canals you point out reflections of the clouds & i tell you to walk

faster if the rain falls harder i say (the hummingbirds are dripping from the clouds)

walk faster because the bells are ringing over porta venezia; it is late in the morning &

this crowd stirs around us

& even if i stand here through the rain, is it my shadow in the streetlights

in the yellow fog of the streetlights?

[no! i am not prince hamlet, nor was meant to be]

[i grow old... i grow old…] you turn over in my bed & my forearm grows cold

[shall i part my hair behind? do i dare to eat a peach?] not even your eyes brighten

if the train is leaving jattavagen

& again i hear the street girls singing [i do not think that they will sing to me]

i have seen them riding seaward on the waves

maybe next year i call you up & say i am on my way

you will see me riding seaward on the waves

my clothes soaked through—

i remember leaving the nakashima show & you stood in my way (this last day)

you said daje daje isaaco my god elskede

om æ kunne skrive på himmel

så skreiv æ dit navn

musikken begynn for alvor nu

eg veit den vil forstå meg hvis du går

you give the same whisper

(soft sounds)

as your mother, and her mother,

and her mother before her.

your father

was a leaning tower,

raging at the kitchen ceiling.

you were only a whisper

(soft sounds),

and your mother, and her mother,

and her mother before her

slept under chalk-dust roofs.

how cold

you must feel

when the night sings back

your soft sounds.

“Hired a hit man to kill my wife,” he told her.

“I’ll do it,” she suggested.

You’re not capable,” he laughed.

“Your wife didn’t think so,” she said, shooting him.

clothes when irrevocably stained get thrown out

and it's funny how we all try the same

with memories

only to find that the trash man

never comes

"Hold that thought," I said as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I was surprised to see 'Kristy' flashing on the screen. She was supposed to be in one of her classes right now. "Uh, hi Kristy."

Her jumbled screaming blared through the speaker.

"Kristy! I can't und- I can't- Kristy! Shut up! I can't understand you!"

A string of curse words trailed out the speaker. "Jackson, I'm coming to get you. Don't go outside."

"Huh? Why? I'm already outside. What happened to your class?"

Bailey looked over at me. "What's going on?"

I tilted the phone away from my face. "It's just my sister. She's going psycho."

"What do you mean you're already outside?" She screamed. "Are you not at the skating rink? Oh my god. Why are you not at the skating rink?"

"I met someone and we went somewhere else. What's going on Kristy? Why are you yelling?" I screamed back.

"I can't- I don't- Just go inside somewhere, Jackson! I'm coming to get you. Where are you?"

I tried to read some of the signs on the buildings beyond the boardwalk and across the street.  "I don't know! We're at some boardwalk on a ferris wheel! Let me ask Bailey!" I turned to look at him.

"Tell her we're by the Municipal Building." He said, leaning over the safety bar and motioning to the conductor to let us off.

"He says we're by the Municipal Building."

"Okay, I'm coming to get you. Wait inside and don't come out until I get there. I'm serious Jackson."

"Um, okay. What's going on? What's the matter? Why are you not in class?" I tried again.

"I'll explain when I get there. Just don't go outside." And she hung up.

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and hopped out of the cart which had returned safely to the bottom. "My sister wants me to wait for her in the Municipal Building. I don't know what's up with her, but I'm sorry she's cutting our time short."

Bailey shrugged and put his hands in his pockets, walking away. "It's okay. I should probably be heading home soon anyway. I bet it's about time to start grilling and getting ready for tonight."

"Yeah, I think you're right. I'm still sorry about this though." I chewed the inside of my lip, walking fast to keep up with him. My nose was starting to get cold. "What were you going to ask me before my phone went off?"

He scratched the back of his head. "It's nothing. Just forget about it."

I cocked an eyebrow but stayed silent, sensing he didn't want to talk about it. The crosswalk sign flashed on and we crossed the street. I noticed the wind had stopped and that everything was dead still. The only movement was the cars zipping by in the streets. I looked up at the sky to see that the black clouds had reached the city and loomed threateningly just beyond the sun. If I didn't want to get wet like Kristy had said, we'd better hurry up and make it to the Municipal Building.

Bailey and I slipped through the glass front door, trying to look as normal and nonthreatening as possible. The lobby of the Municipal Building was fancy, with a fire place, potted plants, and extensively cushioned couches. I was sure they didn't think too fondly of two teenage kids coming into such a nice place with no adult. As if to confirm my thoughts, the man sitting behind the reception desk eyed us as we made our way to one of the couches.

Bailey sat down on a white leather one with a potted tree next to it. I sank into the soft cushions beside him, getting swallowed by the fluff. It was cold in the building, and the marble floors only added to the affect.

"Why did your sister call you?" Bailey asked, picking at some of the leaves on the tree.

I shrugged. Or, well, as best as I could from within the cushions. "She's supposed to be in a class right now and I don't know why she's not. She was yelling at me to go inside but didn't tell me why. It was hard to understand her and she sounded pretty panicked."

Bailey looked over at me. "Are you worried? Maybe something happened to your parents..."

I shook my head. "No, someone would have called me too, not just Kristy. And she was telling me to go inside. Do you think there was a terrorist attack or something?"

It was Bailey's turn to shrug. "I don't know. Your sister's weird, man."

"Tell me about it..." I trailed off.

We waited in silence for awhile, waiting for Kristy to arrive.  I tapped my feet to the beat of the song playing softly overhead and watched the cars drive by outside the window, the sky getting darker all the while. Bailey and I jumped as Kristy burst through the front doors, her hair and eyes wild.

"Jackson! Get in the car, now! We don't have much time."

I am Pluto-

Destined to be forever ice cold and

Blinded by the hours I spent staring at the sun

I am not deemed human and I am on the edge of my orbit

Threatening to let go and

Hurdle off into empty space at light speed

He speaks of being strong,

Commanding all that's his,

And if they speak back,

They find rage in his fists.

So she stands on broken bones,

Pretending to be weak,

To protect the little ones,

In the other room, asleep.

grit my teeth to stop them from chattering

hug my arms to my body to stop them from shaking

the breeze isn’t what’s ripping away at me

I can’t put a clamp on on my anxiety but I can die trying

chugging too many water bottles

like I can drown it all away

my organs wrapping around my heart and squeezing

until i explode

suffocating on air

choking on the lump in my throat

fading into the background

no one can hear my cries

walk willingly into the darkness

with no one to meet me on the other side

suffer alone and quietly

greet the hollowness with open arms

hoping to find peace by losing myself