Words that hurt
I am writing some of the things I’ve been told by people that I love or have loved, things that have hurt me and created a narrative in my head of who I am and what I have to offer the world. Things that have changed my life. My hope is that in writing the words that have stuck with me, they will lose some of their power over my self-image.
“You carry a lot of baggage, and to expect me to deal with it isn’t fair”
“I’m no longer attracted to you”, I don’t want you”
“You’re just built bigger”
“If you tell anyone I’ll release the video of you being fucked, slut” (rape wasn’t the word used, but it was rape)
“I have to convince myself to stay with you”
“The day before my birthday? That’s when you chose to kill yourself?”
“You expect so much grace from the world but you offer none”
“You should kill yourself so you can see her again”
“You’re disgusting. No one will ever love you but me, look at you”
“You don’t deserve love”
“You need long term care”
“You only hurt yourself for attention”
“Aren’t you afraid to get off your medicine?”
“What if you got pregnant then hurt yourself and your baby? It’s irresponsible to take that chance”
“Are you going to be on medicine forever?”
“You hold me back from opportunities I could have, traveling and meeting other women”
“I hate you”
“You won’t tell anyone”
“I hate you”
“I wish you were never born”
“He was in an accident, he didn’t make it”
“Why did you come to the scene? He’s gone, there’s nothing to see here, we told them not to let you come”
“You know people can subconsciously kill themselves”
“You come home and just bring negativity”
And many, many more. Why do people’s words and opinions hold so much power over my life? Do I deserve it? The million dollar question.
Depth of Impact
I think I am an overwhelming person
I feel situations more deeply than most, no matter the significance.
In my mind, it was visceral, it sticks, I think about it often and I come back to it years later
In their mind, it never happened or it was such a fleeting interaction that it left no impact
It’s a confusing sentiment to feel like the people around you are so important, while feeling like you can’t ruffle a feather even if you tried
Statements and feelings and words shared are so important, to me.
Im clay, and every person I’ve come into contact with has modeled and shaped me, leaving their fingerprint in different depths, perhaps repurposing me all together.
I do not leave the same impact, most people are not as malleable. My fingerprint doesn’t linger.
A conversation is just that, a night shared, a moment spent.
But to me, it was so much more.