I used to live in you

Chaos.

We see it around us every day

burning those already burnt

turning others into ash

Chaos no longer pulls me.

I am free of you

Chaos.

In your presence I am calm

All those storms in my mind

In your presence nothing matters

I am safe

I am heard

That tender heart of mine

I am protected

Caressed as if I am fragile

But maybe I am

Fragile

Traumatized

You are the anchor

Keeping me afloat

You are alive in my dreams

The only place for you

A ghost in my soul

Holding my heart tenderly

In my dreams

I am calm

All those storms in my mind

I am heard

I am protected

In your presence

This is a narrative

author- Kaitlyn Cruz

education- AA degree in arts

Bio- 26 year old single mom of 4- 7 and under- live in a small town in Iowa

Lead toddler teacher. I love to read and write to express what is going on in my head. Please consider me. my email is katiemt2015@gmail.com

The bright golden sun is trying to peak over the dark blue overcast. The sky is beautiful, like heaven has gained someone even more beautiful than the sky itself. I can’t wait to finish work today and go see Grandma. Sadly, I don’t see her enough. I speed around corners, country music flooding my thoughts as I take my long trek to another day of money making, attempting to not be late for once. There is quite a sense of quietness about me this morning, more than usual anyways, an aura I can’t quite pin down.

I pull into the farm, shifting my car into park as my phone makes an abrupting buzzing noise in my cup holder, it’s Tom. Taking a deep breath I know there’s only one reason he’d call at the crack of dawn, cancer stole my Grandma. My hands start shaking like leaves and it becomes very difficult to breathe. I didn’t even get to see her yesterday. I don’t know the last time I saw her. Tears build up in my eyes blinding my vision. All these thoughts suddenly rush through my mind as the guilt starts sinking into me like an anchor is pulling me down. I shake my head, maybe he’s failing to get ahold of mom. I cautiously answer the phone with a painfully slow, “umm hello”. A lump rises in my throat as he takes what feels like an eternity to respond.

“Hey, where are you?” he says calmly.

I am silent for a while, swallowing the lump in my throat before I say, “well, I’m at the farm dropping the kids off so I can work, what’s up, is everything okay.” Again, another rest of silence like there was something he didn’t want to say.

Before he could respond, I blurted out “Grandma passed away, didn’t she?” using a louder voice than I probably should have with my step dad.

A quiet “yes” was passed through the phone. My heart dropped to my feet as tears quickly streamed down my face. It felt like a stack of bricks was holding me down, making it impossible to breathe. For several minutes I wept into the phone while shaking my head no...no..no. Why couldn’t God wait to take her, wait for me to see her. Man, I am such a horrible person! Why didn’t I spend more time with her? I knew this would happen!

He let me cry then sincerely responded, “I know, I am so sorry hun”.

“Okay, I will be on my way,” I respond quickly and turn out of the farm heading in the opposite direction.

Again, my throat clenched, I was suddenly out of tears. My thoughts had taken over, I was angry with myself, the guilt was killing me. My body was wanting to cry, but no tears were coming down.The lump in my throat was getting more intense, I can not breathe! She didn’t want to see me, that’s why she left before I could get there. My foot stepped harder on the gas pedal. Katie, you need to relax, slow down and think about the kids. I let off the gas and continued to drive carefully to Maquoketa, to them, my family. The most important people in my life, much like other people.

Finally I pull into the driveway behind the many cars already there. I hurry myself and the kids out of the car and run to my mom who met me outside. My arms wrap around her like I haven’t hugged her in years, not wanting to let her go, ever. I tried to hold my tears back, but they just kept flowing. I am such a horrible person. I am glad I’m here now. Okay, I need to get my breathing under control and be strong for Grandpa. I open the same door I had many times growing up, but not so much since I’ve been an adult. I take a deep breath as I walk into the room where she is lying peacefully.

My shaking legs slowly walked over to her cot. As my breath caught and my heart shriveled, I backed up to sit in the chair farthest away from her lifeless body. I lean into the arm of the chair and cover my face I can't do this, I can't be here. I need to get out of here. Before I move a muscle, I quietly hear, “She loved you so much, Katie”. I completely break into a river of tears. So much guilt. Why couldn’t she wait. I ignored what my Aunt said and continued to talk down on myself burying my guilt, letting the tears fall. Finally I got the courage to stand up, walk to her and say goodbye. I touched her hands, where is her bling? She always loved bling, she would want to have her bling on. I didn't realize I said it out loud and my Aunt explained to me that she can't have any jewelry when she gets cremated. I cried harder. Her cold, lifeless hands and face, I barely recognize her, the cancer really did take her from us.

I say my final goodbyes, hugging my Mom and Grandpa, holding tight never wanting to have to say goodbye again. Why can't life last forever? At least pause? I hold my kids knowing that they don't understand where Grandma went and why she won't wake up. I wish I could take the pain and questions away from them. Octavio, my husband, finally arrives and I run out to him on the back porch, immediately going into his arms and crying even more. I didn't think I could even cry any more tears. Your body surprises you in moments like this, grief, it just sweeps you right off your feet sometimes. I let him hold me tight while I accept the emotions drowning me limb.

As I am relaxed in his embrace my mind wanders to the thousands of times I've been on this porch. Laughter fills the air while two young sisters paint rocks on the cement floor. Grandma sits in her rocking chair, listening to the crackling radio, painting her most recent birdhouse. I hope I can be as talented as Grandma someday. My rock is a mess of different colors and grandma has her birdhouse painted with birds and flowers! Allie gets bored of painting and asks for a snack, suddenly the porch door slams behind her. I didn’t even notice her get up, that was fast!

I hear the door slam again and my mind jolts me back to reality with the realization of more people coming into the house. I follow them, wondering who they are, thinking they are also here to pay their respects. I wait in the kitchen for my turn once again. I just want to see her once more so I can memorize her to stay sketched in my mind forever. I start walking back towards the living room but my eyes catch her being carried away in a black zip up bag. Oh no, what the hell! That’s what those people are here for! I didn't know they did that! My body stands as still as a statue until my mind realizes she is gone, forever. There's no more time to say goodbye or say sorry. There's no more chances to drive over for coffee. No more time left for painting rocks and bird houses or cooking and baking. There is no more time for her to spend time with me and my littles. There's no more chances for them to get to know her the way I did, to love her the way I did. No. More. Time. I'm interrupted from my thoughts again with a tug on my arm. "Hey, come here, I know. I told you to stay here with me". Breaking down into tears again, falling into his arms I realize how special time really is. How you can’t get that time back. How you should never take time, even a minute to stop and say hi, for granted. You may have an “itch” to call that loved one during some random part of your BUSY day. You should listen to that “itch” and call them, visit them, send them a card, anything because if you don’t, you will regret it one day. I would rather go without groceries for a day or spend my last twenty dollars on gas than to lose someone I love and have regrets of all of those moments I could have filled back on that porch gossiping or crafting. I could have filled those moments cooking a dinner in her kitchen and eating together at the table sharing stories of the past. Those days and possibilities won’t be back but I have learned to be grateful of each second of every day with the people I love and look up to. That is a lesson I can carry on to my kids that she would be proud of. She would be happy to see us with Papa and filling those moments instead of living in regret.

Time Spent

It is too late. It is too late.

If only I could express to you one more time

How much I really love you.

If only there were stairs to heaven,

Id rise up -

Sit with you one more time.

It is too late. It is too late.

So much time was spent on your porch

Observing yellow, orange, pink ascending from the horizon.

So much time was spent watching birds.

So much time was spent gardening all the plants you adored.

Now, it is too late. It is too late.

So much time was spent painting rocks out on the patio.

So much time was spent making birdhouses.

So much time was spent

sleeping on your living room floor in your old tee-shirts.

So much time was spent telling stories, listening to your’s - Tuning some out.

It is too late. It is too late.

So much time was spent camping and mushroom hunting.

So much time was spent loving.

Time is out.

It is too late.

If only I could tell you how much your lessons

Stuck to me like the gorilla glue you’d use for crafts.

If only I could tell you how I am feeling now.

So much time is spent

Swimming through an ocean of regrets.

If only we were closer before the clock stopped ticking.

If only I could have stopped over more.

If only I could have seen your smile,

At their birthdays, at my wedding, just anywhere.

As long as I could see you. It is too late.

If only the clock hadn’t stopped.

If only I called more.

If only I wasn’t stubborn.

If only I wasn’t busy All. Of. The. Time.

If only I had apologized

Instead of holding my breath under the water.

If only I forgave.

I am drowning.

So much time was spent ignoring.

So much time is spent feeling like I am a fish,

Swimming through an ocean,

All of the sharks trying to eat me.

This is regret. Now it is too late.

It is too late.

The clock has stopped.

If only I could sit next to you,

Verse One-More-Time,

How much I really love you.

Time Spent

It is too late. It is too late.

If only I could express to you one more time

How much I really love you.

If only there were stairs to heaven,

Id rise up -

Sit with you one more time.

It is too late. It is too late.

So much time was spent on your porch

Observing yellow, orange, pink ascending from the horizon.

So much time was spent watching birds.

So much time was spent gardening all the plants you adored.

Now, it is too late. It is too late.

So much time was spent painting rocks out on the patio.

So much time was spent making birdhouses.

So much time was spent

sleeping on your living room floor in your old tee-shirts.

So much time was spent telling stories, listening to your’s - Tuning some out.

It is too late. It is too late.

So much time was spent camping and mushroom hunting.

So much time was spent loving.

Time is out.

It is too late.

If only I could tell you how much your lessons

Stuck to me like the gorilla glue you’d use for crafts.

If only I could tell you how I am feeling now.

So much time is spent

Swimming through an ocean of regrets.

If only we were closer before the clock stopped ticking.

If only I could have stopped over more.

If only I could have seen your smile,

At their birthdays, at my wedding, just anywhere.

As long as I could see you. It is too late.

If only the clock hadn’t stopped.

If only I called more.

If only I wasn’t stubborn.

If only I wasn’t busy All. Of. The. Time.

If only I had apologized

Instead of holding my breath under the water.

If only I forgave.

I am drowning.

So much time was spent ignoring.

So much time is spent feeling like I am a fish,

Swimming through an ocean,

All of the sharks trying to eat me.

This is regret. Now it is too late.

It is too late.

The clock has stopped.

If only I could sit next to you,

Verse One-More-Time,

How much I really love you.

The bright golden sun is trying to peak over the dark blue overcast. The sky is beautiful, like heaven has gained someone even more beautiful than the sky itself. I can’t wait to finish work today and go see Grandma. Sadly, I don’t see her enough. I speed around corners, country music flooding my thoughts as I take my long trek to another day of money making, attempting to not be late for once. There is quite a sense of quietness about me this morning, more than usual anyways, an aura I can’t quite pin down.

I pull into the farm, shifting my car into park as my phone makes an abrupting buzzing noise in my cup holder, it’s Tom. Taking a deep breath I know there’s only one reason he’d call at the crack of dawn, cancer stole my Grandma. My hands start shaking like leaves and it becomes very difficult to breathe. I didn’t even get to see her yesterday. I don’t know the last time I saw her. Tears build up in my eyes blinding my vision. All these thoughts suddenly rush through my mind as the guilt starts sinking into me like an anchor is pulling me down. I shake my head, maybe he’s failing to get ahold of mom. I cautiously answer the phone with a painfully slow, “umm hello”. A lump rises in my throat as he takes what feels like an eternity to respond.

“Hey, where are you?” he says calmly.

I am silent for a while, swallowing the lump in my throat before I say, “well, I’m at the farm dropping the kids off so I can work, what’s up, is everything okay.” Again, another rest of silence like there was something he didn’t want to say.

Before he could respond, I blurted out “Grandma passed away, didn’t she?” using a louder voice than I probably should have with my step dad.

A quiet “yes” was passed through the phone. My heart dropped to my feet as tears quickly streamed down my face. It felt like a stack of bricks was holding me down, making it impossible to breathe. For several minutes I wept into the phone while shaking my head no...no..no. Why couldn’t God wait to take her, wait for me to see her. Man, I am such a horrible person! Why didn’t I spend more time with her? I knew this would happen!

He let me cry then sincerely responded, “I know, I am so sorry hun”.

“Okay, I will be on my way,” I respond quickly and turn out of the farm heading in the opposite direction.

Again, my throat clenched, I was suddenly out of tears. My thoughts had taken over, I was angry with myself, the guilt was killing me. My body was wanting to cry, but no tears were coming down.The lump in my throat was getting more intense, I can not breathe! She didn’t want to see me, that’s why she left before I could get there. My foot stepped harder on the gas pedal. Katie, you need to relax, slow down and think about the kids. I let off the gas and continued to drive carefully to Maquoketa, to them, my family. The most important people in my life, much like other people.

Finally I pull into the driveway behind the many cars already there. I hurry myself and the kids out of the car and run to my mom who met me outside. My arms wrap around her like I haven’t hugged her in years, not wanting to let her go, ever. I tried to hold my tears back, but they just kept flowing. I am such a horrible person. I am glad I’m here now. Okay, I need to get my breathing under control and be strong for Grandpa. I open the same door I had many times growing up, but not so much since I’ve been an adult. I take a deep breath as I walk into the room where she is lying peacefully.

My shaking legs slowly walked over to her cot. As my breath caught and my heart shriveled, I backed up to sit in the chair farthest away from her lifeless body. I lean into the arm of the chair and cover my face I can't do this, I can't be here. I need to get out of here. Before I move a muscle, I quietly hear, “She loved you so much, Katie”. I completely break into a river of tears. So much guilt. Why couldn’t she wait. I ignored what my Aunt said and continued to talk down on myself burying my guilt, letting the tears fall. Finally I got the courage to stand up, walk to her and say goodbye. I touched her hands, where is her bling? She always loved bling, she would want to have her bling on. I didn't realize I said it out loud and my Aunt explained to me that she can't have any jewelry when she gets cremated. I cried harder. Her cold, lifeless hands and face, I barely recognize her, the cancer really did take her from us.

I say my final goodbyes, hugging my Mom and Grandpa, holding tight never wanting to have to say goodbye again. Why can't life last forever? At least pause? I hold my kids knowing that they don't understand where Grandma went and why she won't wake up. I wish I could take the pain and questions away from them. Octavio, my husband, finally arrives and I run out to him on the back porch, immediately going into his arms and crying even more. I didn't think I could even cry any more tears. Your body surprises you in moments like this, grief, it just sweeps you right off your feet sometimes. I let him hold me tight while I accept the emotions drowning me limb.

As I am relaxed in his embrace my mind wanders to the thousands of times I've been on this porch. Laughter fills the air while two young sisters paint rocks on the cement floor. Grandma sits in her rocking chair, listening to the crackling radio, painting her most recent birdhouse. I hope I can be as talented as Grandma someday. My rock is a mess of different colors and grandma has her birdhouse painted with birds and flowers! Allie gets bored of painting and asks for a snack, suddenly the porch door slams behind her. I didn’t even notice her get up, that was fast!

I hear the door slam again and my mind jolts me back to reality with the realization of more people coming into the house. I follow them, wondering who they are, thinking they are also here to pay their respects. I wait in the kitchen for my turn once again. I just want to see her once more so I can memorize her to stay sketched in my mind forever. I start walking back towards the living room but my eyes catch her being carried away in a black zip up bag. Oh no, what the hell! That’s what those people are here for! I didn't know they did that! My body stands as still as a statue until my mind realizes she is gone, forever. There's no more time to say goodbye or say sorry. There's no more chances to drive over for coffee. No more time left for painting rocks and bird houses or cooking and baking. There is no more time for her to spend time with me and my littles. There's no more chances for them to get to know her the way I did, to love her the way I did. No. More. Time. I'm interrupted from my thoughts again with a tug on my arm. "Hey, come here, I know. I told you to stay here with me". Breaking down into tears again, falling into his arms I realize how special time really is. How you can’t get that time back. How you should never take time, even a minute to stop and say hi, for granted. You may have an “itch” to call that loved one during some random part of your BUSY day. You should listen to that “itch” and call them, visit them, send them a card, anything because if you don’t, you will regret it one day. I would rather go without groceries for a day or spend my last twenty dollars on gas than to lose someone I love and have regrets of all of those moments I could have filled back on that porch gossiping or crafting. I could have filled those moments cooking a dinner in her kitchen and eating together at the table sharing stories of the past. Those days and possibilities won’t be back but I have learned to be grateful of each second of every day with the people I love and look up to. That is a lesson I can carry on to my kids that she would be proud of. She would be happy to see us with Papa and filling those moments instead of living in regret.

Like a mouse in a trap

Stuck

Trapped

Alone

Struggling for life

Struggling to get up in the morning

Struggling to love

The people

The things

Struggling to be me

I can’t

Get away

From the shouting

The fighting

The you’re not good enough

The constant complaints

The everyday to do lists

But

You’re not enough

You don’t do this enough

You don’t love me

You’re not attracted me to anymore

Why are we together

Constant questions

Why are we together

Oh so this is how we are solving things now

This is how we make it through

We don’t

We struggle

We are trapped

We are stuck

Like a mouse in a trap

I love you

But I feel trapped

Constant expectations

Never being enough

Being told no-one cares

This is why i am depressed

I’m not happy

You are not my safe place

I can’t be here anymore

With the expectations

With never being good enough

I’m only draining myself

I can’t do it

I can’t express myself

As then I’m weak

I fall

And here comes another opportunity

For twisting my thoughts

For making me feel bad

For turning it around

For becoming suicidal yourself

Just to trap me again

I can’t do it

Not anymore

I’m not happy

I love you

But I feel trapped

These little moments I'll cherish forever.

His little ear on my chest

Like he's listening to my heart.

His little mouth opens wide as he yawns.

He snuggles up to me

His breathing gets quiet

The smallest snores are music to my ears.

There's nowhere else I'd rather be

These little moments I'll cherish forever.

The sky is blue

Guilt sticks like glue

As the snow keeps coming

The tears come too

My life is blue

Mistakes stick like glue

As the snow starts melting

The blessings come

Better days are welding

Tie me together, on my knees, in heaven

Heaven is blue

I am from kitchen fights

From being told to go to my room

From hearing

Be strong

Be better

I am from I didn't raise you like this

you're the tough one

From that's life

From get over it and move on

I am from work harder

Don't be like Al

From you're okay

not are you okay

From talk to you later

not meet me I'm worried about you

I am from depression

but suppressing

From it's life

you'll be okay