Watch me kill myself one step at a time in refusal to recover from the havoc you reaped on my psyche

You initiated the storm that rocked my foundation and starved me of connection to you and this world. I feel my motivation to be healthy sliding like an avalanche into the abyss to join all the fucks I gave about you through the years, wasted like I wish I was.

Don't worry, we still have a common enemy in me. If I could leave myself I might, but might is something I don't have. If only living had the same passionate appeal to me that you had inspired.

I'll let my anger burn through me along with your hateful words. You thought you couldn't forgive me? I've been holding a grudge against myself for 19 years and I'm still going strong.

I wish I could say I wish you well, but I wish you had never spoken to me. Maybe then I wouldn't worry confiding in others is a precursor to eventual abandonment.

You're right, we've cut each other open one too many times, and I hope this never finds you.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how many bones I broke falling all over you again.

My scandalous rendezvous with the world

Nothing outside of fogged windows but lightly tossed shadows

Too late for the nocturnal, but too early for busy bees to bumble about morning routines

That tepid human fear of witching hours and murderous strangers

Tickling the back of the neck

you think

twice

Yet journey onward

Slide-squeak, an opening into the abyss

The only source of sound for miles was me

Crashing the door closed, an earthquake of noise as I sit on a collapsible chair

Yet the silence oppresses once more

Last time there was the fog, but this time an insipid wind

Too weak to make noise, to create ruckus

The trees stand untouched like calendar photographs

To the backdrop of humans violently colliding and creating suburbs

Where deep breathing cretins like myself get intimate with the night

As flags wave lightly but silently,

for the wind rustles,

not disturbs

The deep resonating of human development, the street lights that we built like force fields

Humming their monotonous tune.

Quailing our fear for the dark

Meditating for what feels like hours,

only twenty minutes

Yes, I had stolen away with my peace of time in the night

Softly relearned the nuances of being human

As the Earth and I watched each other die in mutual silence.

What fragile lives we've built

On backs of lovers

Mixed expectations

On lures and lost time

Professors wander

Whiffs of gasoline

Tips of toes skittering

Plowing leaves lain askew

Dried carcasses shriveling

Away

There's a glint in his eye,

A certain purse to his lips,

The way he tilts his chin up,

And looks at me.

He's up to something mischievous.

The look of a child

Plotting his conquest to the cookie jar.

I'm wary, but when it happens,

The anger never holds.

For I swear, all he does,

He does to make me smile.

Even when he cuddles closer

to steal the coveted warmth,

flops on top of me

from the back of the couch,

attacks me

with frozen fingers,

He smiles goofily.

How could I be mad

When love makes short work

of the sanity in us all?

He had stolen my heart.

But how could I be upset,

When it was in such gentle hands?

I hope to never see that glint

Leave his eye,

For it means something unexpected.

And I do enjoy living life,

Balancing on the tips of my toes,

And falling all over for him.

Keep your pettiness, your pride, your grudges; yet remember. Remember sometimes what you've lost, what you're missing, what fatal sacrifice you've made. Life is never full of easy nor fair choices, but they must be made. If actions define us, your inaction speaks louder than the phone calls she ignores and your existence she despises.

She might not look like much to you, but she is light. She always has been. She will play her song long after you stop listening, after you've stopped caring. And you'll have missed so much of the beauty she has to offer you and the world. Her light spreads as you shut the door, basking us in her music and brilliance. It's a shame you cower in the darkness because there's much more to her than her dark moods. She adds a vitality and vibrancy to existence with her violin and quick wit.

Your ignorance is deafening and I sorrow for the fact that you can't hear the song she plays with you in mind. I will love her enough for both of us, and hopefully her light will shine on you again one day.

I lay waste to expertly manipulated graphite that my four A.M mind had worshipped. Friction and rubber snub the creative flow and waste hours spent feverishly bringing thought to creation on long haphazardly slaughtered trees. I blow and I wipe away imperceptibly small prices of the masterpiece-no-longer furtively, by blowing, brushing, tilting. The graphite stubbornly clings to the paper like a kid on the first day of kindergarten. Ever reminding me of my failure, the eraser fails to obliterate my heavy handed etchings and far flung dreams.

Humans have a chemical in them

That causes bioluminescence.

Yet it's too dim for the human eyes

To see

Maybe that's why,

We try and shine from the inside to the

outside

Maybe that's why,

We can't seem to be content sitting in

the dark,

Maybe that's why

We flood our cities with light and keep

the demons:

At bay, but it makes our inner light less

brilliant

To behold. Outer light detracts from

introspection and

Yet serves as a beacon, a gathering of

human complexity,

A new light of its own. Together they

obscure

The depravity of humanity to eliminate

despair.

Gentle breezes caress my back

As the sound of rain trickles

And tickles my inner tranquility

There's nothing more relaxing than a

downpour

When anxiety fogs my brain

The rain cleanses

And washes it away

I wake to a hazy morning as my sheets massage my bruised ego with sweat soaked cotton. This cocoon from the world can only protect me for minutes more, before I must rise and take flight.

Yet, I arise from my chrysalis still a worm, a few hours short of butterfly status. What use is sleep if I awake unchanged?

The words tickle my lips as my blood boils dangerously. What few words it would take to dismantle my opponent. I see the fatal flaws in her argument and the hypocrisy crawling just beneath her skin. The crowd feasts off of her lies and celebrate, but I stand comfortably, knowing that victory is around the corner if I want to take it.

My mind hearkens back to my early debate days. My wit moves at the speed of light and leaves my enemies blind sided. My words start fires that burn all of the bridges behind me. Forward. It is too late to look back at the destruction.

I burned a hole in the window of her soul with my stare, and the crowd went silent. I spilled the words into the microphone passionately, and watched the surprise grace her features and her face scorch red. She stood rigid on the pyre of my words, burning at the podium in front of a crowd that roared my battle cry.

Promises built on bases of wood burn quickly and hopes are suffocated by the ash. The people are choking on it. I might not be over qualified, but I'm tired of watching them breath in the soot. One more fire, and I'll stop using my words to manipulate things in my favor.

You can't see it now, but I will raise us from the ashes of their lies. Even if I have to scorch the Earth to bring new life.