Don’t we all know our very

private curiosities

we dare not reveal

to another

Is it only my conscience

that wishes to spare

such a vicious blow

to a lover

to reveal a nature, unsightly

to someone I think of so highly

I’d rather be dead than revealed

I never wished to be a mother

so it’s you who’ll have to suffer

all my fuckups and my pain

and for all of this

it’s you I’ll blame

For my ignorance,

is innocence

your innocence I’ll steal

Broken, fucked up left to suffer

And alone you’ll have to heal

Feel my presence

No, my absence

For I wished not for this life

Hear my drug-fueled rage

You broken, fucked up child

///

I never wished to be a father

So I abdicate that throne

And with mommy on her pills

You’ll have to battle life alone

For between us

I’m the victim

Cause I just couldn’t pull out

Now instead of rising up

I’ll hide my face and cry and pout

And I’ll spaz out

(forgot to mention)

For you know I cannot bear

This reality, without her

and the one with you in there

I always loved your mommy more

but I loved most all the drugs

So instead of holding you

I’ll hide and chase the hidden bugs

(...)

What if people who love me

can’t do so for long

So I feel the warmth of

their hand in my own

And poof,

as they came,

so they have gone

(...)

Into this world we’re thrown

alone

In all our dreams we’re still

alone

And though we fight for love and beauty

still we fight this fight alone

So many people and their voices

Can’t break through this giant wall

No one there to cure the pain

or there to catch me when I fall

And fall I will, I’m sure, I know

Despite my strength, I’m destined so

And in the pit of my despair

There’s nowhere left to go

but down bellow

Where demons they await me

with their open arms or claws

where all logic breaks to shambles

where like love and war, there are no laws

So I shall wage this war for love

alone

With all my demons still I’m so

alone

And destined I am to be so

alone, alone, alone

We’re born alone

We die alone

With no one there to share the pain as I

am left to die within this pit

alone, alone, alone

No one to rule this lonely throne

I yell my pain into the void

And no one dares to hear my call

I’m a burden to my friends, I know

I’m a burden, that is all

And so alone I’m left to rot

because for love I am not worthy

I deserve this pain and so

I deserve to lie in this infirmary

but no jazz player will find me

to sing blues to heal the pain

So alone I’m left to suffer

And for this I am to blame

I shall lie in my despair

And I shall lie with all my shame

No one to hear my deathly cries

But the deaf and the insane

He’s not my savior,

father, God or else

the carrier of my self worth,

and I can’t hope that he will fix me

and the pain I’ve brought from birth

He does not prove that I am worthy

of self love or otherwise

He shall not carry my existence,

I won’t put on my disguise

My fear is not that he will leave me

but the fact I can be left

and to ask of him to stay

is something far beyond his depth

I need to search within for answers

and let love them be my guide,

for my worth is not his bidding

but is buried deep inside

I’m not a poem but a writer

drafter, master of my fate

And the skill to etch my word

is not acquired, but innate

I’ve sung the hum of other people

both the good ones and the bad

but the chords within my soul

were ones the others never had

I wish to find my own tonality

my timbre and my beat,

master all that I’ve been given

from my soul down to my feet;

for within me is a power

universal, yet unique

the ability to write

and the ability to speak

the possibility of song and art

and goodness so sublime

knowledge of the peak,

a spark that glistens of divine

I’ve held your hand

but now I’ve dropped it

And I’ll leave it to be so

Deep within my heart I love you

But my mind is yelling no

So let me go

Don’t hold me hostage

Love is hardly earned by force

I’ve lived far too long without it

to imagine a new course

From all the roads traversed, I’ve weakened

all the paths I’ve walked before

It was years of helpless sailing

’Till I reached another shore

Where my garden, it an flourish

I can safely plant here seeds

And attend to all my flowers

And uproot remaining weeds

For the soil here is fertile

And the sunshine is sublime

To accommodate the gods

Within this sanctuary divine

If I anchor here my boat

so I could start my life anew

Would you join me in my quest

for this land was built for two

Stepping barefoot on the sand

blessed by all the gods above

to tend this sacred land with

sunshine, water and with love

I revealed to you a monster

with its anger, with its pain

I’ve invited you inside me,

where there’s thunder, where there’s rain

And you stayed

You didn’t run in fright

In fact you let me in

And showed me how you’re not alright

And so two monsters there they stand

In their evil, in their shame

And they’ve learned that different creatures

Can in fact be quite the same

When each monster, moved by forces

such as kindness, such as love

were then locked in an embrace

that morphed the monsters into doves,

they flew into the night

to claim the heavens up above