I'd never understand why we choose
to make martyrs of ourselves
for people who won't even do
half the things we do for them,
why we still think of the mistakes
we did fifteen years before,
and never learn from the experience
like we're still dressed in the same clothes
why we pay so much attention
to what other people have to say:
what to do with our bodies
and which game we should play
nor why we break and crack
the foundations we were built upon
I cannot comprehend
why it's so enticing to dwell on
questions we cannot answer
things we cannot change
people we cannot have
and dreams we don't even chase.
If humans are destined
then how'd you explain
these self-destructive actions?
I wouldn't say I loved you.
I wouldn't't say say I didn't.
I wouldn't wish you in hell.
I wouldn't say you're heaven-sent.
I wouldn't admit to anything.
And if I had to, I'd lie;
I actually did a couple instances;
and then you ask why.
Yet here I am thanking you
for at least letting me see
everything that ever was
and everything that could ever be.
I wouldn't say I regret it.
I wouldn't say I'm wise.
You broke my heart
and I let you do it twice.
The uncertainty of not knowing where you stand
or where you fall behind,
of not being sure what can be done,
or what exactly bothers your mind,
unsure whether I'd still be here tomorrow
or will my ashes travel across the land?
Am I mindful of the things I do not know?
Am I as bad as they say I am?
I lull my thoughts to a quiet sleep.
The silence in my head is a fresh clean slate.
Honor the tons of promises I have to keep.
I am starting over, lying in wait.
How perfect can these new eyes be
to see myself in new light entirely.
Memories are cobwebs
in the corners of my mind.
Sometimes they come crashing through
but I push them back behind.
They seep through the cracks of window sills
and linger like the scent of rain,
randomly spinning and raging like a tornado
speeding as much as a runaway train.
I am perfectly happy
and it's okay for parts of me not to be ready yet.
I live in the glow of anticipation
and in the small goals I have set.
I am perfectly happy,
perhaps not as perfect as you want it to be.
But I am nourishing my roots
and waiting patiently.