I wouldn’t be afraid

“I said hi to three people this week”

I meekly tell my therapist,

We both pretend I’m doing a good job

It seems crazy to me that people can use their voice

When all my life,

even when I want to be heard,

I stutter and mutter and nothing comes out

I know I’m too afraid but I can’t help but feel

A different family,

A different community,

A different life,

And words wouldn’t be so hard to find,

I wouldn’t be so afraid of the backlash

Of one misspoken syllable

I wouldn’t be afraid at the thought of making friends with the girl next to me

I wouldn’t be afraid the man beside me would mistake my kindness for interest

I wouldn’t be afraid

To take up space and exist,

It’s so hard just thinking I have a name and an impact when I spend so much time dissociated

Falling further from reality

I live in fantasy of the me I would be if I wouldn’t be afraid,

I live in fantasy of the confident girl I’m afraid to be

I spend so much time in fantasy of imagining what it’s like to just not. be. afraid.

My heart is racing my thoughts are haywire the world is spinning

“How was your week, Haley?”

Man how weird is it to have a name you don’t feel connected to but

Snaps you back to reality

“I said hi to three people this week”