just because you choose to protect a lie instead of love
just because you chose to take our love
and put it behind your back
so all you could see in the moment was
and just because it doesn’t mean anything
so you say,
doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me
and probably to her.
just because there is no way you can choose to keep up your charade,
doesn’t keep me from sleepless nights,
head full of screams.
and just because you choose to protect a lie instead of love,
doesn’t mean that i have to choose to be right here with you.
and now your head is creating scenarios,
just like mine,
but without any reason except the guilt that slowly eats away at your shine,
while you rob me of mine
because the only words that matter to me
are the truth,
no matter how ugly,
they can set us both free.
instead you spend money we could use for a child to buy devices that track me,
and possibly put my life in danger by messing with the electronics in my car.
but you can’t care because you’re jealous of a nightmare that you created on your own,
just you and your friend guilty,
not my derek.
i was so in love,
why weren’t you?
it doesn’t matter to anyone,
the sun will still come up,
the only place that your lies darken are
your thoughts and mine.
but i didn’t ask for these nightmares,
i thought we were a fairytale
but you let me slip out of that dream,
to be smothered out;
i always lose everything.
guess you can call it a blessing,
but the truth untold will always haunt me.
so you can say what you want,
but i’ll know the truth when and if it ever comes,
because there will be a light in the dark that tries to burn.
i guess i will stay locked away,
under the thumb of your mistakes,
under the greed of your dishonesty.
if you ever found the time to just say the words,
tell the truth and nothing but,
instead of wasting what time we have
trying to find deceit within me,
well then maybe we have a chance in this life,
maybe in the next.
but if you can’t choose love instead of lies
then i will have to reprogram this mess,
travel back to the beginning of us,
and cut the lines that keep us in this
connected lie that never pans out well.
you said it yourself,
always fuck this up,
but i don’t deserve this..
not in this lifetime or the next.
make a choice love,
love or unrest.
what hope is midnight,
when we burned the flags of our revolution,
thinking our skin could provide enough ammunition
to quiet the battlefield.
we locked arms
and swayed to and fro
until we were blowing in the wind,
with our freedom,
but a black armband screaming out,
“we won’t take it!”
but we did.
i wish i could have said hello
i wish i could have said hello,
because goodbye would mean that i spent time with you,
but time had another track to run,
and took a hard leap into a parallel universe,
leaving me without you,
just stillness and an empty womb.
you never got to hear me say how proud i was of you,
or yes i will hang this masterpiece on the refrigerator,
and you never got to hear me cheer you on
as you rotated the pedals on the bicycle with no training wheels for the first time
and you never got to hear me say goodnight sweetheart
or everything is going to be okay
or i love you,
i love you
i love you,
because i never even got to say hello in the first place.
#poetry #brokenwomanhood #infertility #desolatewomb #geekslutnerdgirl #miscarriage
remember when God was real
and all the angels swirled around us
you wrapped your arms around my soul,
held me, shaken to my core
and whispered Hallelujah
you finally got what you deserved
a beautiful yet broken girl
to maybe fill the emptiness inside ya,
but there was no room
trying to squeeze her in to
a bed shared with somebody else
and crystal meth,
and as the bed screeched out in her nightmares,
all she could remember was
and how dare you, smash her broken,
be so careless with the heart of love.
you saw her faith and trust destroyed,
you picked it up, brushed it off
only to carry it up higher than before
and let it go, watch it drop
as you bowed your head and said out loud
but it’s too late for simple words
to save what i guess was to be her fate,
falling towards a destiny
that couldn’t help but reiterate
a cold and a broken Hallelujah.
and so down she goes
trying hard not to give all the way up
on life, on love, on you
as she cries to the Lord above
for saving now
she pleads and then says silently
oh Lord it’s just me today, but however broken in my faith
i still have one more righteous Hallelujah
#poetry #geekslutnerdgirl #lovegonewrong #brokenandconfused
slivers of girl
This piece is just a cut up of my own stuff.
all that I have
caught up in hot dark,
against his sinful skin.
I am in the middle of
a full horizon
hot spring water,
we lay under thunder.
since you caught me
I am waking up.
it's easy to forget
I am brave.
I am up packing myself,
tucking you in.
I feel like I barely see you enough
and I don't know,
sometimes one must learn
to not look like
I can make like
I have found inside out
and full of devotion
and you say
"blurt me out"
like we are rain.
how long have you watched me love you and thought what an idiot?
thought, just because she thinks it, doesn’t make it true.
how many times have you cursed yourself
for losing the love you had?
not wanting to say or admit it,
but there is another in your head when we go to bed.
how many times have you just decided fuck it, that’s it?
but i know none of these questions will ever get answered,
like how long have you felt this way?
was it before i jumped?
what did i do?
was i a fool to believe you ever really loved me?
or are you just not the person i thought you were?
i guess you can give everything you’ve got,
make no mistakes and still lose.
i’ve lost everything,
it’s like i just woke up one day in a new state
and your love for me had vanished.
i wasn’t there to control your descent into hell,
letting the monster hold your hand instead.
that’s such a cop out.
i drive along the
two way roads
rails slip by while
you took stock in sleep.
i played the radio softly,
looking at scenery
as a soon forgotten past.
i put to rest the fire with smoke
and coughed up a crystal lung.
its my engineering that brought us down,
memories become amnesia-
acting like you don’t know.
and while this may be going down smooth,
it won’t stay for long-
bulimic spouts and weight melts
all caught in the wind storm.
you think i am lagging,
i run to catch up.
there are open seasons
to keep populations from over-shrinking.
i can’t get enough therapy.
your eyes beat fast-
your turn to drive
forget all the signs
and move on to this road-
it takes us somewhere we will want to know.
scars of sin
today came a trigger of toxic
my hands to the metal to sing,
play my skin as a violin…
it’s worth it,
all the pain able to
i quake underneath
you have an issue with
you are awkward silence,
don’t even blink
or tear up
at the thought of losing everything
you once had so adorned.
i cradle rock my own
can’t look at you
without seeing her face.
without seeing how your face
just has zero concern,
there is no care in being caught.
just a shoulder shrug,
i am not sure it happened on that date.
i want to scream!
shake the shit out of you,
slap your face,
that’s really fucking it-
after all the time of trying to find a way in,
for me to let you love me the way you dreamed,
for me to love you as envisioned,
for the very thing that was to be
holy and sacred?
not a tear,
not an explanation.
you just sit cold
while i carve scars of your sins
into my skin.
you think more lies i need to be fed?
I see you running
out of options in your mind-
how to bring me out of this pain,
but you better watch the song you sing
because I don't need no lies
to save me from my suffering.
I don't need to be pulled from the drowning pool
to burn in the fire,
so if this is nothing
I'll keep driving.
I know somewhere
there is a feast in waiting
to cease this wanting.
if I'm not wanted
then what are we doing
because I am right here,
right beside you,
still in waiting.
but if you don't want this,
don't waste your strength on me,
don't pull me from the drowning pool
to throw me into the fire.
I don't want to be
just hurting from another break.
I just want to be
with sunshine (on a rainy day),
with someone who loves me
so I can reciprocate the same.
I want to feel the highest freedom
that only love can bring to these days.
a meaningless bother inside my head
the lemon of marmelaide
you seek me to turn out the lights on your reality
but in a sinful, unholy way
the dairy queen negro maid
purity means i go to fuck-in church every sunday
rated xxx at times of sex appeal and chocolate
a paragraph of bitterness
pulled over the chin to hide the phat
no escape to comfort me, i just bleed and bleed thru me
no crime can stick to my name
not much of anything, but gone away
i create and create, but remain the same
identical to the pupil, vacancy