i used to let everything about love

spin me round

spit me out.

used to always think i was no good,

hell i’m probably half the reason you believed it too.

i was always hard on myself,

couldn’t stand the way i looked,

hated that i could never just let loose,

couldn’t find my voice.

it was under all of your delusions of me.

oh all my life, i’ve been sticking up for people who would never know me,

would never even really try to

and i lost myself inside of all of the stupid games played

like my fight to prove myself worth

to someone undeserving of me.

i never wore the white dress

never walked the aisle,

but ever since i was a little girl

i’ve always thought about how badly that could go,

like no one would be able to hear me,

(speak up speak up)

and i would be so nervous that i would most likely do something stupid-

who knows.

but it never happened for me

because i was never enough, never enough.

always staying with the wrong men,

and disappointing the very likely right ones,

i was too stuck in your head.

oh all my life, i’ve been sticking up for people who would never know me,

would never even really try to

and i lost myself inside of all of the stupid games played

like my fight to prove myself worth

to someone undeserving of me.

you are a collection of maps

all leading back to my center,

trying to level my horizon

with the glint of the sun sparkling in your iris.

your archeology is ancient and keeps the foundation sturdy under my feet.

even if you somehow get me walking the plank,

i wouldn’t know it until i was over your edges

and swimming in your deep-end,

where you would save me from drowning

with the strength of your current.

i could explore caverns and caves,

get lost in your mountain ranges for days

and still feel at home in all of your untamed.

i could lay in your fields of flowers

and seemingly disappear under your petals

or i could stand at the top of a desolate plateau

screaming i love you

as my voice echoes through your valleys.

or i could see the mirages and mazes of desert sand

and wonder how much further this goes.

the answer is there is no end to this,

to us.

we are forever.

i swam in your dilapidated structure,

crossed your eyes

and nailed you "fallen" to the boards -

all to breathe again.

i clenched my chest

to hold my heart tightly closed

because

you are not my suicide.

#poetry

#geekslutnetdgirl

#loveless

just because you chose to take our love

and put it behind your back

so all you could see in the moment was

her smile.

and just because it doesn’t mean anything

so you say,

doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me

and probably to her.

just because there is no way you can choose to keep up your charade,

doesn’t keep me from sleepless nights,

head full of screams.

and just because you choose to protect a lie instead of love,

doesn’t mean that i have to choose to be right here with you.

and now your head is creating scenarios,

just like mine,

but without any reason except the guilt that slowly eats away at your shine,

while you rob me of mine

because the only words that matter to me

are the truth,

no matter how ugly,

they can set us both free.

instead you spend money we could use for a child to buy devices that track me,

and possibly put my life in danger by messing with the electronics in my car.

but you can’t care because you’re jealous of a nightmare that you created on your own,

just you and your friend guilty,

not my derek.

i was so in love,

why weren’t you?

it doesn’t matter to anyone,

the sun will still come up,

the only place that your lies darken are

your thoughts and mine.

but i didn’t ask for these nightmares,

i thought we were a fairytale

but you let me slip out of that dream,

to be smothered out;

i always lose everything.

guess you can call it a blessing,

but the truth untold will always haunt me.

so you can say what you want,

but i’ll know the truth when and if it ever comes,

because there will be a light in the dark that tries to burn.

until then,

i guess i will stay locked away,

under the thumb of your mistakes,

under the greed of your dishonesty.

if you ever found the time to just say the words,

tell the truth and nothing but,

instead of wasting what time we have

trying to find deceit within me,

well then maybe we have a chance in this life,

maybe in the next.

but if you can’t choose love instead of lies

then i will have to reprogram this mess,

travel back to the beginning of us,

eons ago,

and cut the lines that keep us in this

connected lie that never pans out well.

you said it yourself,

always fuck this up,

but i don’t deserve this..

not in this lifetime or the next.

make a choice love,

love or unrest.

#geekslutnerdgirl

#liesshouldnevercomefirst

#blameguilt

#cheating

what hope is midnight,

when we burned the flags of our revolution,

thinking our skin could provide enough ammunition

to quiet the battlefield.

we locked arms

and swayed to and fro

until we were blowing in the wind,

with our freedom,

but a black armband screaming out,

“we won’t take it!”

but we did.

#geekslutnerdgirl

#poetry

#freedom

i wish i could have said hello,

because goodbye would mean that i spent time with you,

but time had another track to run,

and took a hard leap into a parallel universe,

leaving me without you,

just stillness and an empty womb.

you never got to hear me say how proud i was of you,

or yes i will hang this masterpiece on the refrigerator,

and you never got to hear me cheer you on

as you rotated the pedals on the bicycle with no training wheels for the first time

and you never got to hear me say goodnight sweetheart

or everything is going to be okay

or i love you,

i love you

i love you,

because i never even got to say hello in the first place.

#poetry #brokenwomanhood #infertility #desolatewomb #geekslutnerdgirl #miscarriage

remember when God was real

and all the angels swirled around us

like Hallelujah,

you wrapped your arms around my soul,

held me, shaken to my core

and whispered Hallelujah

you finally got what you deserved

a beautiful yet broken girl

to maybe fill the emptiness inside ya,

but there was no room

trying to squeeze her in to

a bed shared with somebody else

and crystal meth,

and as the bed screeched out in her nightmares,

all she could remember was

Hallelujah

and how dare you, smash her broken,

be so careless with the heart of love.

you saw her faith and trust destroyed,

you picked it up, brushed it off

only to carry it up higher than before

and let it go, watch it drop

as you bowed your head and said out loud

Hallelujah

but it’s too late for simple words

to save what i guess was to be her fate,

falling towards a destiny

that couldn’t help but reiterate

a cold and a broken Hallelujah.

and so down she goes

trying hard not to give all the way up

on life, on love, on you

as she cries to the Lord above

for saving now

she pleads and then says silently

oh Lord it’s just me today, but however broken in my faith

i still have one more righteous Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah.

#poetry #geekslutnerdgirl #lovegonewrong #brokenandconfused

This piece is just a cut up of my own stuff.

all that I have

caught up in hot dark,

impulsive touches

against his sinful skin.

I am in the middle of

a full horizon

hot spring water,

we lay under thunder.

since you caught me

I am waking up.

it's easy to forget

I am brave.

I am up packing myself,

tucking you in.

I feel like I barely see you enough

and I don't know,

sometimes one must learn

to not look like

plowed.

I can make like

I have found inside out

and full of devotion

and you say

"blurt me out"

like we are rain.

#poetry #geekslutnerdgirl

how long have you watched me love you and thought what an idiot?

thought, just because she thinks it, doesn’t make it true.

how many times have you cursed yourself

for losing the love you had?

not wanting to say or admit it,

but there is another in your head when we go to bed.

how many times have you just decided fuck it, that’s it?

but i know none of these questions will ever get answered,

like how long have you felt this way?

was it before i jumped?

what changed?

what did i do?

was i a fool to believe you ever really loved me?

or are you just not the person i thought you were?

i guess you can give everything you’ve got,

make no mistakes and still lose.

i’ve lost everything,

it’s like i just woke up one day in a new state

and your love for me had vanished.

because why?

i wasn’t there to control your descent into hell,

letting the monster hold your hand instead.

that’s such a cop out.

i drive along the

two way roads

continuous forward.

rails slip by while

you took stock in sleep.

i played the radio softly,

looking at scenery

as a soon forgotten past.

i put to rest the fire with smoke

and coughed up a crystal lung.

its my engineering that brought us down,

soul transfigurations.

memories become amnesia-

acting like you don’t know.

and while this may be going down smooth,

it won’t stay for long-

bulimic spouts and weight melts

all caught in the wind storm.

you think i am lagging,

i run to catch up.

there are open seasons

to keep populations from over-shrinking.

i can’t get enough therapy.

your eyes beat fast-

light adjust.

your turn to drive

continuous forward,

forget all the signs

and move on to this road-

it takes us somewhere we will want to know.

#poetry

#geekslutnerdgirl