I couldn't start to tell you

How grateful I am.

Four years ago,

You found me,

And haven't left since.

We both know

Trying to pin down our relationship

Is impossible.

Friends,

Siblings,

Lovers,

We both know,

It's beyond words.

For now, 'soulmate' will do the trick.

All these days, you've never once not talked to me

You always remember

To check up

On how I'm doing.

You never miss a day.

Even at,

My lowest,

And most toxic,

You stood faithfully beside me.

You are perfect for me.

A match made in heaven if there is such a place.

In my days of darkness and doubt

You were both a light

And a mirror

Reminding me that though you loved me

I have to remember

To rely firstly on myself.

When I am wrong, you let me know

Gently

To change my behavior

And when I need love

You are always there

Ready for it.

So, to my dearest F-

I love you

So fully

Words fail me.

As I always and forever will be,

your love,

-S

Hands

Force me down

Pin my shoulders

Against

A metal table

Blank faces peer down

I don't know

If their features are empty

Or if my eyes are foggy

And I scream

So loudly

That i don't make a sound

My jaw

Cracked open

A smoldering ember

Dropped into

My stomach

It sits there

Almost burning a hole

Through my abdomen

But somehow

It is suspended

Turned into pain

Without action

And I try to move

Writhing with discomfort

But still

I am forced

Into inaction

Panic mounts

Tears spring to my eyes

I see a familiar figure

At the edge of my vision

And as I call out for help

There are promises

Of empty caliber

That I'llll be saved

Fixed

But of course

My pleas fall

On your silent ears

I'm trying

So hard

I promise

But I tell myself

Tomorrow will be different

I can do it

tomorrow

That's a lie,

though

we both know

I'll spend the day

paralyzed

But I asked you

for help

and yet

you seem to forget

I can't do this alone

My hands shake

So unsteady

I grip the wheel

Tighter

The sun

Is blinding

But not more

Than my heartache

Tear me apart

Dissect me to find

The raw places

The broken bones

You leave me there

Uncared for

You leave me there

Unloved

And now I'm so

Unlike myself

My hands quake

Tires screech on asphalt

And I blink through

The tears

So damn empty

Your face in my mind

I swear I let you go

And yet you still follow me

What the hell were you thinking?

Why did you let it go so far?

There’s no justification

No excuse

I can only say

I love you

Will be there

Always

But for now

I'm empty

Angry

Cursing your name and your life

Because

I know

I'll always miss you

I'll be empty

For a long time

Wishing

Begging

For you to come back

Change your mind

But I know

That'll never happen

Fourteen again

Promising I'll always be there

But it was a lie

I was a lier.

Fourteen again

Thinking these relationships

This place

Was my real home

I was just lonely

Still waiting for friends

I would never know.

Fourteen again

Wishing to see you

My heart hurting

At your tears

Fourteen again

Promising forever

But meaning

None of it.

I am dragged into tomorrow

Kicking and screaming

Nails catching on carpet

pleasedontmakemegodontmakemedealwithmyself

But of course

Time drags on

Deaf to my desperate please.

Morning dawns

And I barricade myself

In a prison

Meant to keep me safe.

Rosebushes

Keep everyone out.

This place

Is mine alone.

Step closer,

and look

at my face.

Can't you see,

the fine cracks?

Lines

Hair-thin

That show

The darkness

beneath

My heart

Thuds

To pointless ends.

Why does it even bother?

I cannot feel

Anymore.

I scream for help

and know you hear

The way you tilt your head

Every word

Must be so clear

But yet

You don't seem

To understand

that I need you