until I know for sure

exactly what you think

until i feel secure

that i'm jotted down in ink

there's nothing for me to do

it all depends on you

how you feel

what you need

will my absence heal?

or will you falter and bleed?

it's all up to you

tell me your point of view

it's really unfair

the stupid irony

i know i shouldn't care

that i should let go, finally

I was struggling with my emotions. Struggling with the strong feelings I had for you. But I worked so hard to hide them away for so long that it ate me up, consumed me in an extremely unhealthy manner. You had no idea.

If only I hadn't done that. If only I hadn't made the rash decision to tell you everything. Then maybe we would be okay. Maybe you would still talk to me.

If only I hadn't done that. Maybe you wouldn't have cancelled on me today. Maybe you wouldn't have left me in the dark. Maybe you wouldn't have run away scared. Scared of the love that I have for you.

If only I hadn't done that. Hadn't told you that I cared. Hadn't told you that I noticed you seemed so uncomfortable.

If only I hadn't.

i know, it’s not that hard to figure out

that something has changed for you

that you don’t have the same excitement, the same emotions

and that there just might be somebody else

it’s not hard to see, the way things have changed so quickly

sure, my heart is broken beyond repair

from winning and losing you within a couple of weeks

there’s so many things i wish i could say

tell you all the feelings i have for you

the way that i see you, how wonderful and beautiful you are

and you have changed how i see the world

you have changed my life but i guess it wasn’t the same for you

you’ve found someone else

and i’m happy for you, honest

but there’s a part of me that wishes you could be mine

that we could laugh together, cuddle together, sing together

i’m so sorry i couldn’t be that for you

but i’m happy he could be

Dear 8,

I use that code name for you as that number has a large significance in our story. It was in the 8th grade when I met you. No, I didn't know what love was then -- I didn't even know liking another girl was possible. I just knew that the two of us were the best of friends, inseparable. Or, so I thought.

But I graduated, and you did not. We went separate ways, and I (much to my resentment now) pushed you away. It was something I did when I cared too much, I would push people away before they had a chance to hurt me. But what I failed to recognize is that you never would have hurt me, and to this day I mentally beat myself for pushing you away to the point of no communication whatsoever.

It went on like that for 3 years, I tried to forget about you and our friendship. Yet, what I never realized was that I hadn't allowed anyone to become close to me in the way that you and I had been. It was like you were a puzzle piece that was missing and I didn't even realize it. Every time I saw you in passing, or in a show, I would duck my head and hide from embarassment and envy. Embarassment that I had been such a horrible friend and ignored you all those years. Envy at people who were now close to you, who had become my replacement. The guilt inside of me built up, but I chose to ignore it.

It wasn't until recently when the guilt disappeared. It was the strangest moment, as the guilt was replaced with longing. Longing to talk to you again, to hug you, to see you. I give the credit to my mom for dragging me to your show. Unbeknownst to me, you were the lead. As I sat in the audience, waiting for the show to start there was not an inkling of a clue on what happened next. As soon as the curtain rose and I saw you on stage, a multitude of emotions bubbled from inside me. Hope, longing, anger, excitement, awe.

Hope that you would accept me again. Longing to talk to you again. Anger that I was no longer a part of your life. Excitement that I had the chance to fix the past. Awe at your raw, unbridled talent. You have a gift. A beautiful, unique, rare, inspiring gift. You can sing like no other, and dance better than anyone I've ever seen. But could I tell you that? No...I thought you would hate me for the way I treated you 3 1/2 years ago.

We waited after the show for my sister, to congratulate her. I cowered behind my parents avoiding you, thinking you'd hate me and walk right past me. So I avoided interaction. But of course you saw me.

You -- you came right up to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug. I was shocked. Hugging you after 3 1/2 years was the best feeling in the world, there aren't words to describe it. Your hug, and your excitement when you saw me opened my eyes to your one-of-a-kind heart. After years of being ignored and pushed away, you smiled and accepted me instead.

That's when I realized it. Recently, I had come out to my family and friends as bisexual. I hadn't really met anyone who I felt a true connection with, but I knew that I was. It's something you just know. But then you hugged me, and everything fell into place.

It had been you all along. How had I not realized? My missed connections with everyone, my not-so-close friendships, happened because of you. Whether I was aware of it or not, you were the reason I had been so afraid of relationships. Because my subconscious and my heart knew that deep down you would always be the one, the missing puzzle piece. And as cheesy and cliche as it sounds -- that hug that you gave me changed everything.

Things are looking up for us, I hope you agree.

Love,

Alex

A kid, a child

Yes, I know

But once you smiled

My heart started to glow

Maybe it’s the messy way

You way you wear your hair

Every single day

Or maybe the way you glare

Making me feel insignificant

I know it’s just your ere

But it makes me feel so innocent

Like I haven’t seen the world

If it wasn’t by your side

The way you twirled

The way you stride

It makes me feel scared

Yet so inspired too

I never was prepared

For how you turn me to goo

I can’t speak

I can’t talk

I feel weak

All I can do is gawk

At your stormy nature

Your beautiful eyes

How you ignore all my behavior

And my silent cries

Is this your norm

Are you aware of it?

The rainstorm

The way you always outwit

Anyone you cross

Crushing them in two

Leaving them at a loss

Leaving them sad and blue

i had so much to tell you

with so little time

you never would have understood

you would've walked away with a sigh

i failed to mention

the twinkle in your eyes

the way they sparkle

when you sass with the guys

i failed to mention

the redness in your cheek

when something embarasses you

it happens at least three times a week

or the way my heart pounds

when your hazel eyes meet mine

penetrating my soul

as if yours and mine had intertwined

i failed to mention

the feelings i have

that i could never show you

you're too far away

unavailable, they say

well, here's what i forgot to say

what i forgot to mention

i'm so so in love with you

and i'll always stay true

yeah i know

yes of course

it was truly low

plus you said it with force

you knew this was the case

yet i followed blindly

it was his damn pretty face

that made me act kindly

but then you kicked me

punched me in the back

you couldn't just let it be

you went with full on attack

but i've learned my lesson

not to trust the likes of you

for my heart has been broken

by somone i thought i knew

you are my sister

my flesh and blood

you went for my mister

and my heart stopped with a thud

i love that boy

i always will

and you took him with joy

but i love you still

sisters are forever

and if you love him

i'd drop him, whenever

even if it makes me grim

you deserve to be happy

and i know why you did it

i'm sorry for being snappy

i'm just a misfit

this is my lesson

my newest intuition

if i notice you stressin'

you being happy is my mission

sisters are always

boys come and go

it's okay that you broke me

as long as you know

that i'm always beside you

no matter how hard

i'm always your go to

i'll always be on guard

(i apologize in advance for the language)

you fucked me over

ripped me to shreds

i have a terrible hangover

the only colors i see are reds

you think this is a game?

some silly joke?

well that was never my aim

look who you broke

good job, truly

you managed to destroy me

and you did it rather cruelly

almost with...glee?

i’m gonna try to move on

it’s going to be hard

because i thought you were the dawn

when really i was just a pawn

a pawn in your rebound

i was your convenience

you used me and i drowned

looks like you were my inconvenience

you wasted my time

you broke my soul

you committed the ultimate crime

because you once made me feel whole

but all those days

that i felt safe with you

you were changing my ways

you were never true

the whole thing was fake

wasn’t it?

you’re just a damn snake

i should’ve left, should’ve quit

well this is my goodbye

my ‘see you never’

aw, i know you won’t cry

i was just your ‘whatever’