is it strange, this desire

to gouge out my eyes

and tear at my skin

and make myself bleed

to destroy my body

in any way i know how

as long as it distracts me

from the blades in my heart

which will not stop twisting

i want to be gone from this life 

is it strange, this desire

to scream at the world

how much i hate it

and shred the traces

of these worldly desires

to infinitesimal pieces

to shatter every illusion 

of hypocritical comfort

and let myself break

break in a way i always denied myself

break down and break free

i want to burn the world down

the rain slides down the window

the same shade as the gray sky

reflecting the shadows of my heart

i fit any box but each dries me up more

behind, the dark mountains loom

as unreachable as my lost happiness

raindrops are wiped away and fall again, unending

nothing ever stays

there’s more but i shut my mouth

emotion i cannot give voice to

i give up again, silent cracks.

they deepen within my mind, aching, yawning open

every day the mountains crumble

bowing under the weight of ancient water

their own weight and the merciless onslaught of wind

but unlike the earth i am a dead planet

no heat in my core to keep the world moving

empty souls

filled with empty carbs

empty promises

full of lies

fill us up

with pretty pics

and ads that say

this’ll stick!

go on and warp

our plastic hearts

apply some heat

and repeat

"look mommy! this doll eats just like me! if you press the button it says she puts her hand up to her mouth and chews, mommy mommy that's just like me! can we pleaseee buy one please? she's so pretty!"

the leaves were playing in the wind

            running around like children

                 circles and

with gusty               whirling

                              arms

                               rie

they laughed and sh    ked.

i cut

              through them

i stepped

              on them

i crushed

              them

beneath my soul.

(the chains sank into me.)

sickly sweet

i poison myself

overgrown filth

mired in days gone

i cannot help

but dig myself deeper

sink my fingers

through silted strands

cocoon myself

in the aching empty

and dash myself

against any willing shore

goosebumps prickle

and the cold void looms

please, just a little

lend me some of your warmth

heated t(r)ickle against cold ribs

fallen leaves

i shed my scales

if only caged

birds sing

can’t you stay?

knees, tiles, knees, tiles

bite, slice, crumble?

sweet on tongues

pearls and dust, dust

find me in my mind

hidden pleads

hold these rubies

hold me, hold me

it seems underneath

i'm still the same

petals flutter on my lips

would you take these crushed blooms,

curling brown edges

brushing skin to skin.

drop a petal and swallow

ants on my tongue

nectar drip,

you’re trapped in my amber.

pollen stuck in your lip balm

our sticky grainy slide

consuming our pieces.

cradle my thorns,

bloodied fingers, bloodied wrists.

i know something about that.

red on red on honey,

crumple your handfuls.

shower the ground,

trampled and trodden,

mud smears and scratches.

leave my rotten flowers behind.

drowning in it,

the sap remade you,

now who are you?

new-formed creature,

you slop-slop-slosh,

drained and drowned.

stuck on you,

paper labels and clotted glue,

caution tape suture,

(where is your more?)

(excised.)

silhouette of you,

the muck of past,

every chain link

dragging you back

in their hell,

their world,

an inhabitable cage.

the sap-made you.

thanks for the drink, honey.

it's only natural, dear.

did you forget

what you are?

you empty person

you hollow girl

let others fill you

and leak out alone

for what do you have?

but a glass

and no draught,

a drought of life

and cracked imitation.