i saw your hair messily thrown up in a clip

i saw that tattoo you have on your back on another girls hand

i smelt your perfume pass by me in the shop

so as your picture illuminates my face in the dark

i trace over where time has aged you

so many parts of you scattered around my life

but there is nothing whole to hold on to

and if you were never really my mother

who am i to mourn you

im sorry im still holding on

you're begging me to let go

but my hands are bleeding

and maybe if i just hold a little tighter

you won't want to let go

you call me obsessive

you call me crazy

but i really thought i held a bigger place in your life

you scream at me to move on

i really wish i could

but i close my eyes at night and i feel you there next to me

i can hear your breathing

and i can feel your shaking

im sorry that im like this, i told you i was like this

he called me beautiful and whispered in my ear

traced his fingers down my body

and told me he wanted me

i fell asleep to his breathing

and was woken up by his shaking

he never looked at me the same

and never quite smiled at me

he got bored of me talking

and rambling about my day

i was never quite human to him

just an object in the way

maybe it was the glimmer in your eye that night,

and the drinks that calmed the nerves.

but it was the way we talked,

like those two years never passed.

even as you stood tall,

with a beer in your hand,

and a smug look on your face,

i could still see the boy i loved.

i still saw the boy who took me on my first date,

the boy who cried in my arms,

the boy who held my shaking body.

it all felt a little different,

but your words still sounded the same.

we always used to worry about getting older,

but now look at what we became.

in a drunken haze you told me you went through our old messages,

and that you were sad we haven't talked.

were those beers finally taking down all your walls?

and as i pulled out of the driveway,

you ran to say goodbye,

with the glimmer in your eye

of the first boy i loved.

i never got close to things as a kid

never had a favorite stuffed animal, or subject, or friend

because nothing ever stuck

the moment i felt something was the moment we packed up the car and left

i had to say goodbye to my childhood cat, all my friends, and a town of 7 years

so when you walked into my life

i knew it was going to hurt as soon as i had to say goodbye

and maybe that’s why i wanted it fast

because i could make it hurt a little less if you were only in my life for a little while

we never fought, we never argued, it was just the happiness

and maybe i miss you the way i do because you didn’t ever leave a sour taste in my mouth

you never gave me a reason to hate you

but you gave me a million reasons to miss you

so when i pack up my car i feel the same way i did when i was a kid

saying goodbye to something i loved

knowing it’d be for the better

you looked back at me

oh please tell me what it means

you locked eyes with me but i read no emotion across your face

you were always so easy to read please tell me what it meant.

i've been going crazy trying to imagine the inner workings of your mind

you know your secrets stay hidden within me, so what's one more?

did you know that if you looked back that you would find my eyes already fixated?

i always look at you, i look for you, but you never do.

so why today, why did you look back at me?

what did it mean to you?

why did you sit at the chair facing the table where i was sat,

was it easier for you to steal a few more glances?

please tell me what it meant, and if it meant nothing please lie

tell me that you miss me, that you look at me and that you look for me everywhere

out of tune

back and forth you mull

plucking my strings as you do

i hate the sound

the louder you play

the louder my resent

lay your cheek against me

put your bow against all my finer parts

disregard my screaming and screeching

you don’t know any better

and you never have

the words beg to pour out of me every second

it lingered the night you stayed over

it pounded in my head all night

to the rhythm of your heartbeat

i thank all my lucky stars that i never said it

i never looked at you and told you what i really felt

the words i ached to say

i try to get back to the time where i thought they were living in your head

but i don’t believe it ever existed

i watched your band play

you sounded terrible

but i never minded before.

i waited for your new girl to show

but she never did.

i sat front row

ive never done that before.

i hate the sound of the viola

and yours is out of tune

but i wont ever be able to hear the songs you played the same again

i thought about what it’d be like if i was yours

would i run to you after you played?

would you smile at me like you used to?

would you play the songs and think of me?

i said out loud that I think things were looking up for me

you asked if something in my love life happened

and for the first time i smiled as i said "no."

because at the end of the day,

if im not happy with myself

no one will make me happy.

but i will miss the feeling of a hand in mine

the anticipation before the first kiss

and waking up next to someone.

but i cannot expect to find what i want to be in someone else

so i will buy myself gifts

listen to my favorite songs and dance with myself

and wear my favorite sweatshirt that smells like me

because i am my own first love

and i deserve to be loved