Hello, my name is fear

I use humor as a defense mechanism

when I'm uncomfortable.

Hello, my name is disaster

I cover up for this with victim mentality

delicately coated with a fine glaze of selfishness

Hello, my name is the past

You can see it in the way I distance myself

from all the least favorite parts of myself

tuck them away into the darkest corners of my mind

Hello, my name is

whatever you want me to be

My love

I could write you a million poems

I could invent metaphors

through astrophysics

and fairy lights

illuminated in ghostly night aspens

I could speak in french

because poetry is more beautiful 

when you can't understand the words

all you have is the feeling behind them

"Tu es ma lune et mes étoiles

bien sûr

Ne le doute jamais"

I could say a great many things 

but they're not enough

Love isn't meant to be in text

It's written behind deep blue eyes

in smiles that stretch to infinity

in laughter and really bad horror movies and no trespassing signs

It's in goodnight kisses

and in the night sky during the silence that follows

Before my mind can contemplate the damage

there's near silence

the wind outside whispering 'hush' 

to my disquieted thoughts

Slowly

the rubble becomes apparent

cinder blocks and glass shards jutting into the mist

like lost ships finally coming to port

The morning sun sets the new world in concrete

The landscape forever changed

The rain pours down onto the roof of the car, its music so intense I can't hear my own songs coming through the speakers. Yet, it doesn't seem to matter. I don't start the engine right away. Instead, I stare through the droplets crafting intricate patterns on my windshield at a sky full of stars. I can't see them through the clouds, but I know they're there. I finally drive away, vision hindered by darkness and a rain slowly turning to hail. In the passenger seat, he is silent as we pass relics of my past, and breath fails me. I grip the wheel a little tighter and pull off to the curb as memories hit me with the force of a hurricane. He reaches over and takes my shaking hand, steadying me as he murmurs meaningless but necessary platitudes. And I feel my heart slow. And the seconds tick past as if they are waiting, for what I don't know. And the world stops turning. Just the two of us sheltered from the storm.

I think

you stole my breath

to fuel your paper airplanes

Please

steal it again

I am not God

though they will call me so 

as gears spin faster

I am a nameless observer

I saw a universe with nothing but stars 

I shifted the cosmos to be my own

The recipe for life is easier than they think

Anyone with enough knowledge can do it

I must confess they're coming close

Closer to finding me

But I've never interfered in the past

I will not now

They will rise against me when they learn

All this power

I changed nothing but the start

Don't ask why I ignored their prayers

I have no answers

From the beginning

I only wanted to feel less alone

Please...

Don't go

     1. I love the snow until winter comes.

Don't let me forget the rain.

     2. I can't stand the weight of the world.

But sometimes I need it to survive.

     3. I've forgotten what it means to be myself; fully and completely

I must have lost it along the way.

     4. I will not tell lies

Only in the titles of poems

There is nothing safer

Than the flecks of gold in his eyes

Nothing untold in the words

falling from his lips

Nothing else I've found

That describes home so fully

Not the feeling of shutting the car door

and letting silence fold in

Not the confines of my own skin

Not the faded and tattered Welcome mat

Before each sound proof door

Since moving around from house to house

Across the world and back again

I only just realized home

Is not a pile of bricks with an entryway

It is in his arms

His lips

His smile

She giggles, taking me by the hand and leading me back towards her room.

"Your parents," I murmur, casting quick glances down the hall.

One of her hands entangles itself in my long, dark hair. The other is trailing down the small of my back, occasionally pausing just below the waist of my skirt. "They won't be home for hours."

She nudges me down onto her bed, a twin sized she's had since she was in middle school. Her lips are at my ear, and I tilt my head back, my lips parting of their own accord. "God, I love you," she whispers, in a voice so soft yet fiery electricity runs down my spine.

Her hands are everywhere, touching me, making me feel as I never have before. I make a trail with my lips down, down down. The room blurs together. Her loose blonde hair, her sly grins, making the world disappear. Afterwards, we just lie there, hands intertwined, sprawled across her floral bedspread. There's no need for talk. The finality of our act fills the space far better than words could.

I don't notice the sound of the front door crashing open at first, I'm in such a daze. Then it all registers. Her father's come home. Before I can scramble about in search of my blouse and skirt, his voice calls down the hall.

"Ginny? Where the hell are you!?" His voice is loud and bellowing. I can tell he's been drinking again.

"One second dad!" she calls. "Don't come... in yet." She trails off as the door flies open. Her father stands, a hulking figure in the door frame, bottle in hand.

His eyes go wide, more with anger than surprise. "Ginny, get out of the house."

Her hand touches my shoulder. "No, daddy, you don't understand."

"I understand well enough," his words slur together, and the bottle shatters against the wall as he swings his fist at nothing in particular. "You commit this abomination in my house and have the nerve to tell me I don't understand? Get out. Get out before I throw you out."

She stands, her fist clenched and shaking at her side, and for a moment I think she'll defend me, but she bows her head. "Yes, daddy."

I watch her leave, knowing all hope of reasoning with this man is gone. I glance toward the window, waiting for an opening to make an escape. Her father walks up to me and places an arm around my shoulder. I jerk back at the sudden contact.

"We're going to take a little drive, you and me."

"That's very kind of you, sir, really, but I ought to be heading home. My mother's just coming home from work and..."

The arm tightens, so it's almost squeezed around my neck. "I wasn't asking a question."

I gasp for breath as he drags me out towards his old rusted pick up. Ginny is no where to be seen as we pass through the living room and outside. She knows how to make herself scarce.

I don't notice the drive, only that it took hours and that the scenery blurred. I'm tempted to leap out of the moving vehicle, but up until we reach the lake, I don't think he'll actually do it. He pulls out a handgun and points it at me.

"Get out of the truck." His voice is low and growling.

My eyes go wide. "Let's think this through here. We didn't mean anything by it."

"She didn't. I know my little girl didn't. Now get out of the damn car!"

I open the door slowly and step out onto the bank. I realize for once, there's no one at the lake. I've never been here in the dark. He's trembling now, from the rage or from the alcohol, I don't know.

"You did this. You made her like this!" his shouts echo through the empty forest.

"She's always been like this. You just didn't notice."

"Shut up! Shut up!" He waves his gun around wildly, but I have to say my piece. For her.

"Pull yourself together and leave her alone! Let her make her own choices!"

He walks toward me and presses the cold metal against my forehead. "I told you to shut your damn trap."

"Maybe she fell in love with me because no one else in her life would love her," I whisper, my voice shaking in fear.

The sound is what gets me, not the pain, not the bullet tearing through my brain, not the dirt shoveled over me six feet under, not the years of enclosure in a thin wooden coffin.