Women are a mystery, they say.

But I disagree...

I’d say women are an open book,

Easy to read, as you please.

But when they close the book!

You won’t be able to read

But the title on its cover.

And what they also say?

Don’t judge a book...

By its cover.

I once read a book- or

I

Thought

I

Did.

#MysteriousBooks

April 04, 2018

Wallowing in the depths of despair,

I feel like I can't get any air.

I'm sliced apart, my soul laid bare,

the meat of my emotions extra-rare,

bleeding out with anemic sobs,

pain and misery, the hoarding mob

well-versed in the ability to rob

me of joy, for that is their job,

a job they do much too well,

'til I feel like I'm in the bowels of hell,

listening to tolling fiery bells

with their own horror stories to tell.

sometimes the thoughts become too heavy 

I can't complete simple task 

I see your face in everyone 

I see you 

yes I know its werid 

but I see your face 

and sometimes I catch myself 

slipping your name through my lips 

I thought I was over grieving you 

but in reality I was distracting myself from grieving over you

I've been too busy living in the present 

that  I forgot to visit the past 

and plant flowers there 

I saved all my feelings for you 

I saved the cigars 

butts 

and 

the half empty bottles 

I stole 

the car 

today 

so me and you can drive away 

I called off work 

so me and you 

can 

finish 

what we

started 

in the back of trunk 

I drove to the back roads 

and rode through 

you slowly 

bumping pebbles 

hitting speed bumps 

running through stop signs 

sex isn't beautiful as movies screen 

I was young and stupid 

I could have been making money 

but called off work to fuck you 

and I wasn't making any money 

I was too busy making babies

I was young and stupid 

Now I am looking at the mess we made 

a house full of kids 

baby bottles filled with alcohol for me 

baby bottles filled with milk for the babies 

just one more sip 

and my tears

will sink into 

the used condom 

we left in the trunk of the car 

pay attention in sex ed kids 

My smile was committing suicide

And you came and changed my rope

Into a bow

You took my knife

And turned it to a pen

You took my pain

And turned into a paintbrush

You  took  my wrist

And made it 

My canvas

You took my earth

And made it my room

You collected the stars

And stuck them on the ceiling of my room

You threw the books

Into the fireplace

And said the only books

That matter where the ones were writing now

My canvas consisted only of the short-lived world

Behind my doors

Magic carpet

Of a world

Spun and painted on screen

Of a world

Only experienced

By one

Push of a buttonSucked in the virtual world

Of pixelation

Trapped in a glass screen

On command to bend

And repeat the scripted lines

Of life

Living everything

Through a push of a button

Trapped in a locked door

She escapes

by unlocking the door

She is trapped in the milky way of her thoughts

She lived through the images on the screen

Never fully living

Never fully tasting life

She got to comfortable in living through him

Afraid to take a step out this room

Afraid to turn the knob

And come out of the dark

She was becoming arthritic in her depression

This is dedicated to my friend @Tylasmith

I do not usually hang my laundry for the world to see, but I do this in order that it may help someone. Here it is.

Being served divorce papers the day after my birthday.  

Is not my idea of a happy birthday! 

After being with someone 25 years. 

Coming home after work and everything gone. 

And I mean everything! 

Light bulbs and all. 

 All but the dog and my clothes. 

Left with a mountain of debt. 

The house and car payments not being paid in 6 months. 

I had to ask my father for a loan. 

Would rather have my kneecaps broke with a baseball bat, 

To have to suffer that I told you so look. 

Though never said the look was enough. 

I thought my life was over. 

I thought my well of giving was deep enough 

To slake your thirst of selfishness. 

But it wasn't! 

Trying to empty the ocean with a thimble. 

Never satisfied never content!  

Never knew the value of blessed subtractions,

Until now! 

I thought that day was the worst in my life, but I realize now it was a great day. 

To be rid of selfishness that could not be satiated. 

I know now I wasn't happy

Working day and night for her happiness, 

Giving everything I had for her. 

Now I'm debt free and happy and able to give to those in need the way I want too. 

This is to say we all have baggage.

We all have our own demons.

It's not about how many times you get knocked down, it's about how many times you get up!

I regret my marriage failed but I am in a much better place now than I was then.

You're awakened from your slumber by a baby crying. The twins are in the connecting room, so you go into the room and pick up the one who's crying. You carry her with you to warm the milk, patting her back as the drink increases to the correct temperature on the stove.

Milk warmed, you set her in her carrier and place a folded blanket across her little legs, to assist her in holding the bottle while you attend to her sibling.

But as soon as you pick the other twin up, you know something's wrong, for she feels heavier than she should. When you see her face, the floor drops from under you and your whole world collapses, as her skin has a slight blue tinge to it, instead of the pinkish-red it had when you put her down.

Stifling a sob and refusing to believe what's in front of you, you grab the phone and barely manage to dial the police - your hands are shaking so - who then dial an emergency operator for you. When you're connected, you somehow stumble through giving your name, address, and phone number.

The Operator says someone's on their way and they instruct you on how to do CPR, which you learned to do in school last semester, but have forgotten in your state of panic. Your heart beating faster than you thought possible, you follow the steps, but grow more and more upset as it doesn't appear to be working, for your baby - your BABY! - is still blue and not breathing.

By the time the ambulance arrives, you're in tears, barely able to continue the CPR until an EMT takes over. The EMT's partner gets contact information for your husband and mother-in-law, then tells you which hospital they're going to. In a fog, you cry that you have no ride, can't you please go in the ambulance. They consent.

On the way to the hospital, you're still mostly in denial and there's a part of you that's praying for a miracle. You feel sick. Your heart is thumping, thumping, thumping, and your head won't stop pounding. You're barely able to breathe.

Please, God, you keep praying, please let my baby be okay. Please. Please!

At the hospital, you can't contain yourself; you're pacing in the waiting room, crying and praying. Fortunately, your other baby is sleeping, unaware of what's happening with her partner. When your husband arrives, all you can do is shake your head and cry. His strong arms, which usually comfort you so well, do nothing to quiet the pain now screaming in your soul.

When the doctor finally comes out - an hour, two hours, a day later, you don't know, as time seems to be moving slow, yet fast - you know from the look on his face that your baby is gone. When the doctor utters the confirming words, you collapse in a fit of tears.

Your husband has to hold you up when you go to say goodbye to your little girl, your beautiful baby who didn't even get to live her life, leaving much too soon. From that point on, everything about that day, about that month, about that year, becomes a blur that you scarcely remember even now, nearly 24 years later.

~~~~~~~~

** In remembrance of LaTasha Trinece High, who left this world much much too soon, on May 29th, 1993. She was 5.5 months old. **

she walked into the train

She wore a black hoodie

With A frayed cashmere sweater weaved with the pain

That embodied her and made her who she was

She wore jeans with holes, a dirt covered backpack that told of her  trials and tribulations of life

She held in her hand a single orange tinted marigold

Freshly wet with the dew from the morning rain

Her hair blonde short and cropped

With blue tips

Her cheeks blushed

Her breath heavy

She wore a leather jacket

On her left hand, she wore a carving of a cross

In her right hand, she had a ticket to san Francisco

She looked like a jumper like me

She flashed her cold-water blue eyes at me

And smiled

A deep and hollowed smile

She was so beautiful

Her lips were small and petite

Her body curvaceous

Alluring and deceitful

but her face sad and lonely lacking purpose

She makes me wanna live

But I came to san Francisco to jumpI am not looking for angels

I am looking for demons

Give me a reason to die

A man once jumped off this bridge

He said ¨ if someone smiled he won't jump¨

I am not looking for hope.

I am looking for the burning cross.

We call ourselves, The jumpers

Defined by the cross carving on the left hand

Defines we are united in our demons

We bleed the same

Blood at night

We follow the same voices

To the windows,

Ropes,

And the pills

We all to come sans Francisco to join my fellow brothers and sisters

Who are dumped in the bloody and holy waters

We jump because

We want to drown in our pain

I came to san Francisco to make a statement

We are all walking dead people all waiting for death

Around the corner.

Some of us play its game

But some of us know better

To sit and let death

Steal the ones we love

And define how we should use our time

We jumpers cheat

Death

we own death

Death is on our time

I slip up my sleeve and looked at the cross that carves my skin

And I am waiting to 12:00 pm

To jump

Because that is the same time

My best friend passed away

I remember her beautiful alien bald head

Her nose plugged trach

And her stillborn green eyes

And frisp of strawberry blond hair

And her pale breast picking from her moon covered nightgown

And the gold heart necklace that adorned her neck

In it held a picture of her mom

Her teeth white and faintly tipped with yellow

Her body was fragile and faint

But her laughter was strong and powerful

When she laughed

You could tell she was in pain

Her laugh would reach inside your soul

It could tear the paint off the wall

You could feel her anger

And burning desire of hate

And constant struggle to feel beautiful

She was more laughing at herself not with you

You could feel it

But what I will never forget is the last words she said to me

2 years ago

I remember when I found her in the bathroom

Hovered over the toilet throwing up

I pet her back

And she said ¨ you're hanging around death

Be careful you might just catch it.

And I said you're not death okay

Stop saying that okay

And yes one day I will have my day

But it's not happening anytime

I let it run its own course

She said death is beautiful thing we must embrace

And let it in our lives and hold on tight to it

Because death teaches us that

What it means to be human

To live and to die

And to make sure we make a legend while we are there.

I said to her

¨god you need to stop talking like that ,okay you're going to make it¨.

And you looked at me with eyes watered down with tears

And I said ¨what?¨

She said ¨ I only have 2 months¨

I said ¨ how do you know that ?¨ ( the truth is I knew )

And she said ¨The doctors told me¨

And I walked out the room and hit the door I punched a hole through our world

She cried and with muffled tears and said to me

¨Don´t do this to me I need you¨

my selfishness got the better of me and said ¨I need you more

You're the only person I can be myself with

You're the only person who understands me

You know everything all about me

You know my darkest secrets

You're my history

You're my world

You're my angel

Without you, I can´t stand

My chest heaving in pain

I hit the ground

And you came and held me in your arms

You muffled my shaggy brown

You captured my murky brown eyes

And swallowed the tears that fall off my face

I was supposed to be the brave one

Your rock

Your world

And I left your world because I started to love you

I started to love your alien head

Started to fall in love with you

But that is a lie because I always loved you

I had never told you because you never looked my way

You were too busy dreaming of charlie glover

I remember you constantly moaning over that idiot

I said- keep dreaming

She said - It´s not a dream if it feels real

I said you're a dreamer baby dream on

Then I paused and said what felt real?

She said- me and charlie glover connection feels real

I said oh wow really ugh!

Senior year

he broke her heart

And she was the never the same

She started drinking

Smoking

She lost the luster in her eyes

She was closed off

She stopped laughing

Her laughter dark and miry

Her self-esteem

Was weak and fragile

She was on a down spiral to hell

And she lost herself to him

And she attempted suicide

She tried to hang herself

She was caught got up in his lies

Of lace and wedding rings

Fine things

She got caught up in his wings

And I saved her from going under

Because I loved her

Because she was my friend

She moved on so I thought

deep down

I was scared because what happens when I fall for you and you cut me loose for charlie glover

I knew he owned your heart.

I couldn't reach it I was just your friend.

I wanted to be something more

But I can't lose you because

Your so engraved in my history

And I didn't want to break it.

And you moved on as usual

You went back to charlie glover

Then he broke up with you

And told you it was him not you

You spent the whole night on my bed and laying on my chest

And balling your eyes

Out

And you asked me ¨what the hell is wrong with me?¨

¨There is nothing wrong with you , you just love the wrong people, now get off my chest ¨I said

And she said ¨okay¨ in anger

God damn it I loved her

It hurts so bad but it makes me so mad

I love it the way her nose curls in anger,

I love the way her lips pout,

I love her body she reminds me of a painting

I love the way her hair flows from shoulders and

Fills the gape of her back

Like a river.

I just Love her, But I can't bear heartbreak my heart is weak

So I concealed my love for her.

Our friendship grew distant

My love grew stronger

And so finally I stopped trying for her to get her to notice me

3yrs past

We haven't talked

I get a call

A peculiar and cute voice on the phone

And It says ¨ Hello is this Matthew richardson¨

And I said ¨who I am speaking to?¨

She whispers so quietly charlotte angel russette

And we talked for hours

Laughing over charlie glover

And sipping coffee

She didn't look the same

But as always beautiful

But sickly beautiful

And I stared at her face

My eyes glazed to her head

And I noticed a scar in cracks of her strawberry blond hair

That looked like a shark dragged his teeth against her head

And she opened her mouth wide

And she said I have cancer

I wavered in the grasp of her hand

As she held my hand

She said

I am sorry matthew to come and tell you such sad news

But your my friend

And I need you because you are what keeps me sane

When life goes to shit

I said we are going to fight this together , I am so sorry this is happening to you

But we are going to continue to try to live

Me and her spent the rest of her time on earth

Trying to live

We traveled the world

We traveled to sans Francisco

She danced

And my eyes danced her

So causally biting my lip

As I wachthed her sexy body envelop the music

She breathed

Her love was like poetry

Her body spoke in tongues

As she moved across the heavens

God she was an angel that changed how i viewed life

It flowed through her very existence

But the music was pressed paused

Are life got dark

And the sunshine dimmed her cancer came back and viscous lacking no mercy

I remember 2 yrs ago

When I wallked out your life

Because I couldn´t handle losing you

In those 2 months you were hooked to a morphine drip

And You said to me ¨ you wanted to die pain full to the tip,

So you could reflect back on your life

You told me you keep replaying the scene of when you danced for me and how I looked at you

You said¨ you felt sexy and bald, And you threw your head back and laughed and said ¨I don´t wanna die ¨and then you started to cry I don´t wanna die and then you screamed at me I don´t wanna die.

And I said to you I didn´t want you to die either

And you told me what the hell is that going to do

I am the one dying fool

And she was right she was the one dying

But I am the one dying right beside her

She told me to leave her room in peace

I came back an hour late

A day late

A week late

A minute

A second

Your mom called me

And told me you only have

30 minutes to say goodbye

I came with

Half of a minute left

And you said you loved me

I opened my mouth to say I love…

And you closed your eyes

And you slipped in my hand a note

You said ¨you could finally die

Because

You made things right with me

And never really loved charlie glover

Okay maybe that you did

But I did it to make you jealous

Because I just wanted you to want me

But you never did so I kept throwing my heart at charlie

Because at least he loved it or whatever

But the thing is your the connector of my heart

Your reason why it´s beating and why it´s stopped

You make me feel happy and complete because now I can die because you're by my side finally my sweet

And as always I am fine and everything is grand.

I held our story crumpled in our hand

It´s crazy how I met you

I was the new kid and you were the cute little nerd hovered over a spiderman comic book the one with Gwen Stacy as spiderman and you wore a shirt that had an angel on it and you wore a sparkling mini skirt with a green cardigan and white converse with a spiderman pin on it and coke bottled glasses

And you came over sat down

And I asked ¨do you like spiderman?¨

And you said¨ how do you know?¨

And I said ¨because you´re reading a comic of spiderman and you have it on your shoe

And you broke out laughing at me and you said you're quite observant I like that let's be friends¨

I say she was my angel because that day I was going to go home and hang myself I got tired of moving schools being the new kid getting picked on I use to believe in angels

As I boarded the train to sans Francisco

It has been 2 yrs since your death this the anniversary of your death today

I haven´t been the same without you

In and out of psych ward

Smoking cannabis

Drinking till I am saturated in liquor

Shredded wrist

And velvet dripped stains on all the sleeves of my shirt

I can´t do this life without you

I packed by bags

I sat my papers on my desk

I prepared my medical forms

I made sure everything was if I never left

I left my apartment key hanged on my door knob

And got on the train to sans Francisco

To the city of gold

My eternal gate to happiness

I saw many jumpers on the way We looked at each other

Flashed our left wrist

All marked by the same marking

The carved cross

And said ¨see you on the other side¨

But one jumper catches my eye

She walked into the train

She wore a hood

A frayed cashmere sweater

She wore jeans with holes

She wore a dirt covered backpack

She held in her hand a marigold

Freshly wet with the dew from the morning rain

Her hair short and cropped

Color blond

With blue tips

Her cheeks blushed

Her breath heavy

She wore a leather jacket

On her left hand she wore a carving of a cross

In her right hand she had a ticket to san francisco

She looked like a jumper like me

She flashed her cold-water blue eyes at me

And smiled

A deep and hollowed smile

So I flashed my wrist

And her smile faded

And she left off the train

And said to me

you really shouldn't do this

And I said you're doing it too

And she said

I am doing it because I am worth death

You aren't worth it you got too much to fight

For

too much to live for

And she clasped by left and wrist and spat on it

And I said why did you do that?

She said to show the markings that make our life story don't define us

They don't mean anything if you let them

And I said ¨who are you anyway why do you care?

And she gave me a crazed look

I am angel

Guardian of the lost souls and flashed a canine smile

And she walked away and

I followed her into the alleyway

And again I don´t know why

I was so close to missing my deadline

She came out to be a He

He said his name was death he wore a black hoodie

And had a shadow like body

And I said death isn´t a person

He said ¨ If I am not a person ,then how do I affect your life?¨

How do I have physical and emotional and mental impact in your life?,I am bleeding with emotion anger vengeance and sorrow

I bleed the same as you do cry as you do fall in love like you do or did.

And I flashed my eyes with anger and I choked him

And he slip from my grasp

I chased him all the way down to the bridge

I stood there at my deadline my end

And he said to me

Do you believe in angels?

I said yes

He said do you believe in angels

I said yes

He said do you believe in angels?

I said yes

He kept repeating statement

And I kept stating yes

I was about to reach my deadline

So I jumped

So I had thought

But I didn´t I was down on my knees

Crying

I opened her note in my hand

And I flipped it over in my hand

And on the back, it said do you believe in angels because I am sending one your way just incase you try something stupid?

And the girl( death) bend down and knelt beside me

And said she If you believe in angels then you can believe you can live again?

You can find another reason to live as long as you believe in angels and keep looking for them…

And so the girl jumped in the bridge

Because she was worth death

But she saw the potential of another

But not her own

So she enveloped in her body sea of lost tears

We jump to drown in our grief

Because we are drowning in our own body

I will never forget the san Francisco angel

And so the girl jumped in the bridge

Because she was worth death

But she saw the potential of another

But not her own

So she enveloped in her body in the sea of tears

We are all strangers

Are stories entwined in another

People enter your life

People leave your life

It is up to determine which people

Will define who you are?