i’m holding my breath

it makes it easier to lean forward

my hands run along my legs,

feeling, searching,

until the smoothness is interrupted

the spot is perfect,

a raised edge to easily poke,

large, but nearly fully healed,

and it itches with a burning sensation.

it beckons with a sickening adrenaline

and i contort my limbs to reach it

i wince, but keep poking

slicing my fingernail underneath the edge,

hoping it dislodges

all in one piece

the pain is intense, the itch is unbearable,

but the excitement is overwhelming.

i shiver, i gasp, inhale sharply,

it’s exhilarating!

my hands caress my newly prodded skin,

it’s done, i did it.

the itch is satiated

no raised edges that catch my fingertips

breathing a sigh,

i look down at my hands covered in blood,

my legs covered in holes,

pain and blood ooze from my new scars,

and i hate myself.

yet my hands go searching again for imperfections.

the relief feels like wind, brushing the tops of trees

the sky is black but it’s somehow still light outside

and at the center of the forest, i am there

staring at the sky from the top of the only tree

that isn’t moving.

the treetops flow with the wind like waves

of the ocean, blending together in one fluid motion

it’s so beautiful, and the wind feels so nice

on my blistered skin, the first raindrops fall

stinging me as they start to heal.

the black sky starts to turn grey instead,

and my tree starts to move.

slowly, i am uprooted and drowned in leaves and rain,

and the wind fills my lungs one last time,

so i sigh it back out.

the relief feels like wind, and i am so grateful,

i don’t have do this anymore.

sometimes when i stare at you,

i start to fall asleep.

your face makes my vision falter,

as if my brain can’t comprehend you.

my vision tunnels,

centered on your face.

a vignette that blurs the edges,

framing you as the portrait.

a dreamy escape,

i can stare as long as i want

within this never-ending moment

but infinity ends when your eyes meet mine.

a sneaky second i steal,

a chance to fall asleep,

to watch you exist in a way

my mind can’t fathom.

how many choices have you made

that you regret?

too many.

how much have you learned

from them?

not enough.

typically,

a person is dragged underwater.

most times, people don’t choose

to drown.

to be honest,

i didn’t either.

i’ve been trying for ages,

to swim up to the surface.

but this chain on my ankle,

keeps trying to float.

and out of spite,

i think i’m swimming against.

the little red heart

floats me to the surface.

i fight against,

gasping for water in my lungs.