A Woman First, A Person Second
I sit there in silence
as all my memories fade
alone with my sorrows
and the mistakes that I made
Like wearing that shirt
with the top button undone
or rolling up my skirt
to cope with the burning sun
Oh the mistake that I caused
thinking they would listen
when they stare at my chest
is the only time their eyes glisten
And it's my fault for thinking
I had something worthy to say
when to them I'm an object
with which they can touch and play
Oh I swear that I'm talking
but they don't hear a sound
already imagining me with them
my clothes on the ground
And it's my fault for dreaming
that one day this would stop
when their eyes scan my way
I still feel my heart drop
Oh but please can't you hear me?
I'm screaming I swear
but men will never pay attention
unless your body is bare
The stars are the fading eyes
of gods we lost so long ago,
peering into our hearts and homes
through searing heat and raging snow.
Staring down at us on Earth
they laugh with twinkles in their eyes,
as we stumble about through congrete jungles
obsessed with our nine to fives.
Oh it is only alone outside
when you have left the city far behind,
that you can look up into the night sky above
and see a relfection of your mind.
They shine so far and so warm
that even the coldest heart may soften,
so please at night tilt your head up
and appreciate the stars more often.
I can feel your eyes staring at me as I pointedly stare at anything but you, fixating my gaze instead on a rather elephant shaped cloud. I watch it tumble and run with the breeze as your empty eyes bore a hole into the side of my head.
"Stay. I know I messed up but I'll make it better. I mean it this time, I can fix things - everything - for both of us. I love you." Your voice cracks as you rush through your words, the speech I can tell you mentally recited before speaking dissolves into ruin as you beg.
The elephant cloud is floating out of my field of view, and I wish more than anything that I could go with it, that I could run as fast as my legs would let me right across town to the ocean and everything that lays beyond, away from the park bench gluing down my legs, and most importantly away from you. My throat constricts as I try to speak, every fibre of my body desperate to wrench me away from the inevitable weakness of my guilty heart.
I wince as you speak, the tremor in your voice as you mumble out one last plea closes my throat once and for all to prohibit any potential resistance.
"Of course." The words slip out through my gritted teeth that I've forced into an inhuman smile.
The feelings of suffocation intensify as you wrap your arms around me, and I stare over your shoulder to catch one last glimpse of the elephant cloud before it dissapears, taking with it my chance to escape.
You're not going to forget,
no matter how much you wish you would.
Memories are hard to shake,
you'd sell them in a minute if you could.
You will think about it less,
as time will slowly nurse your wounds.
You will forgive yourself forever,
and start to enjoy lazy afternoons.
And even when you remember,
and feel your heart grabbed in a vice of cold,
your panic attacks will subside
and you will find new hands to hold.
I'm not saying that it's perfect,
or that the pain will ever truly go away,
but eventually it will happen
when you forget to hurt for the very first day.