You are the reason I freeze when people tell me I'm beautiful. They say I have such beautiful eyes, but they're like yours. I don't want your eyes. I don't like the way they look at me.
I wish I had someone else's eyes, and someone else's smile, and someone else's laugh. Then I wouldn't look stupid when I smiled too wide or sound obnoxious when I laughed too loud. I wish I had someone else's voice so I could truly speak and never be judged.
You are the reason I'm here. Thank you, but that doesn't earn you respect. Nor does it give you mine. But you take it anyway, until I have nothing left and I hate everything about me, from my body to my face to the words that come out of my mouth.
My heart pumps blood every second, blood that shouts to the world that I am like you. I don't want to be like you. I want to be someone else.
I can feel the internal thermostat rising. Nerves in my cheeks become firecrackers, set off by one little comment or one smile. I bite my lip and look at the ground, my mind swirling with possibilities. My mind playing tricks on me, saying you've texted when you haven't. Watching the clock, calculating just how long I'll have to wait before I get a text that makes me smile like a moron in the middle of my break. Trying to pull my mind back on track as it runs too far away into some romantical world becomes so much harder when you're around, upsetting the butterflies in my stomach and making my ribcage shudder.
I used to love that feeling, but now it feels like I am be drowned in acid when I feel it. I used to smile like this years ago, when you were around, but I still can't totally move on. Your name comes in my head and goes without too much pain, but the thought of someone getting so close, makes me feel like I am choking. My eyes water without trying and my body shudders at the thought of it happening again. Deceitful eyes watching as I bend over backwards just for the person to not even help me back up. The smell of tears on my pillow as I take another nap to forget again. The painful stab of the bits of the blade that you put in back so many years ago.
The ruined song comes into my head again, and the memories hit me like cheap perfume. The glimmer of love scarred me before, and knowing it could happen again, makes the pain worse. The fear that I can't move on, the realization that I am still not over this after so long-- My phone sings, and the sulfuric nostalgia has dissipated again. The fear holds my heart and hangs on, but I can at least be happy to smile for the first time in a very long time.
You are a man built of stubborness, stupidity, and ignorance, you are a hypocrite, an enigma. I've always hated you, and you knew it deep down in your mind, but you have always chosen to be blind, every second of my life I spent fighting to get away from you because of your blindness, you would tell me that you loved me and you would scream at me the next, making it obviously clear how you really felt about me. Today was no different, this year I set aside all of my fears because everyone else knew that you couldn't be helped, but for some reason I believed that I was ready to take on the challenge that was helping you. For once in my life I reached a point where I felt like nothing could ever stop me or slow me down, I was ready to help you I thought, with him out of the way it could be easy... No, you were damaged, so much worse now, or maybe just the same, and I wasn't used to it. Everyday you'd scream to your brother and argue with him, and now you're literally losing your mind from it all, alone, heartbroken, delusional, hated, betrayed, and worst of all, trapped. Your house screams "Insane" and everyone heard the house's warning, even I did, but I ignored it thinking I was strong enough. I kneeled down beside you while you were foaming out of the mouth with your constant babbling and your stack of papers scibbled on with millions of notes of numbers and unintelligible writing of dates, you never set your phone down to give yourself peace. Whenever it rang it was like an addict getting the fix they needed, but instead of relief it was anger that you needed. I took the phone away because you would text over and over, call day and night about the same things and then you would get mad about something that never happened. I spent hours that night trying to work with you to get a new job since this was the core of your problem, being with him everyday. You refused to get any new job, I tried to look for a new place for you to live because you were trapped here like we were before, and every moment of misery we've endured here could be buried, but you wanted to hold onto it because that was when you were at peace. I tried to convince you to take the problems to court, but you refused because you said that it wasn't gonna work. I sat down in frustration not knowing what else I could do. You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves I reminded myself, I teared up because I was alone in making this decision, nobody else cared, I don't really care what happens to you, but it's me who's responsible for taking care of you and I can't understand why I did ever accept to help you. I woke up the next morning and I simply asked you to help me look for something in the room of memories, a piece of all of us were scattered around the room making it impossible to move around, all I did was ask for help, and you got mad and started screaming at me, so I rolled my eyes and ignored you and said I'd do it myself then. You kept going on, it started to infuriate me how you started getting mad over something so little, all of it started building inside me, my patience shattered and I yelled back at you because I'm not the scared little girl I once was, I said if you screamed at me one more time I'd scream back at you louder, and you challenged me by saying "The hell you will" with a little scoff, I got out of my seat and grabbed my things and put them in the car, then I came back in to see you with all of your papers gathered up ready to take the same notes you always do, I shook my head in disbelief not knowing why I wasted my time trying to help you, that stupid boy walked in and he just stood in the door, I stared at him and my message was clear "I'm out of patience" and he knew it, he sat on the couch in silence and I marched back to the bathroom with tears of regret forcing themselves out of my eyes, I was a fool. You did your signature trick of playing innocent with your weak lie of "I love you, what's wrong?" and I shut you up fast, "I don't ever want to see you again, I don't care what happens to you, get some fucking help from someone else, I don't care if you go to jail or what!" in my broken and hesitant voice, and I stormed back throught the house, just like on that cursed night that I know so well. I passed by that stupid boy you trusted so much and I said "get him some help, I don't care how" and I slammed the door behind me, and that's just one of the many reasons I won't ever look back at you again.