You held your hand in mine

You whispered words of wanting

You flashed silly sweet smiles

While pecking kisses across my chest

And yet

You said you never loved me.

I don’t really have a lot of friends so when they want to come over it is weird because I’m so used to being at the house by myself. One day my good friend, Kaitlyn, asked if she could come over. I was not in the mood to be social after school, so I texted my mom and told her to say no but to not ask any questions why. When I showed my friend that my mom had said no to her coming she got really sad. I kinda felt bad afterwards so I bought her frozen pickle juice and she was fine after that.

"How's school?"

"It's great."

Pretty sure I kept up that lie my whole life.

I had secondhand enforcement of the lie from higher-ups who'd often brag to fellow mortals about how "great" I was doing in school.

In reality, I was put on probation my first year into uni

and became a drop-out years before anyone knew about it.

Advantages of being a ninja I suppose.

Honestly, if I didn't have morals,

even now...

No one would know.

Thousand times or more,

Never less than that.

I keep falling for them over and over again.

They keep spreading

Like the web of spider

Not everytime I could escape those webs,

Whose fabrics swell wider

I keep doing it

I keep hurting me

Somedays begging for my acts

Sometimes praying to not break the pacts.

My biggest lies stay in my promises.

Where my sins keep rising

My promises will always keep

compromising.

When I was ten I stole some one dollar coins from my mom to buy smoothies at school. I was too worried about her telling me no if I asked for some money and I wanted to be apart of something everyone else in my class was doing. I felt bad and had that punching heat that I get when I'm trying to hide something all over me. I think this is the same year I forged my mom's signature so I could go on a field trip with my afterschool daycare. I swear I'm not a bad person and I'm not lying.

I was the proud owner of a lovely Viola for almost 11 years. It was mine from my first day of Orchestra in middle school, through my four years of high school, and continued to be mine until two years ago. It was my pride and joy. I eventually managed to save up enough money to add a beautiful Cello to my collection of musical instruments, as I had always wanted one. I only had it for a year, but I loved knowing it was mine. To this day, I have never treated inanimate objects with as much reverence as I treated those instruments. This is where my biggest lie comes in. This past Christmas, my parents asked me what I wanted and I mentioned that I would like another Cello. I told them that I left it and my Viola behind at my former job. That wasn't the truth. In the almost two years I was at my former job, I was swindled out of hundreds of dollars by a co-worker that I considered to be a good friend and as such was broke. I had to sell my instruments just to get by. But, of course, I wasn't about to tell my parents that.

The biggest lie I have told is where I said my mental health was fine for about 5 years or so to my parents, and when I finally said it wasn't, it turned out that they have different opinions on how to deal with it. I then continued to deal with it without family support in that area for another 6 months, until I finally told them again that I had been dealing with it in my fashion and not theirs. It was the most stressful thing I have done to date, and far too big of a weight to be put on younger me's shoulders.