am I in too deep?

we're only seventeen and I know everyone thinks they'll stay with their high school sweetheart forever

but he's the only guy who could understand me

we're both such basket cases we would drive anyone else crazy but

together we are this brilliant mix of insanity and passion and he understands my ticks and deals with my depression and anxiety and he manages to make me happy but what if it all falls apart?

he's perfection and chaos with golden curls and technicolor eyes

I just get scared sometimes

my whole life I've lived rationally but he's made me see the madness of things and made me believe in magic

I've been involved with a very handsome and popular man on and off for 2 1/2 years. I'm a very fit, sexy and attractive woman who is also quite popular. He is 36, I am 54.

Frankly the only thing that causes pause is that I'm beyond child bearing age. Physically I am thru menopause. My having my own child is not going to happen. I joke and say my eggs are hard boiled. He wants another child. I fear that he will sabotage rather than being able to let go and be friends should his desire become a need. Our connection is very strong and people can actually feel us.

I appreciate this opportunity to vent...thanks.

None. Nada. Zilch.

My "relationship" is nonexistent. Why? Well... There're a lot of reasons why.

1. I'm a guy, looking, preferably, for another guy, which, for obvious reasons, can make things quite difficult. Not only that, but I live in a small town, in a Republican state, focused on "old cultured" ideals. Basically, they're against everything that doesn't suit them.

2. Even if I did find "the one", I would probably annoy them with my insecurities. I mean the constant thought of "am I good enough" would always be haunting my mind, and I imagine, could make things difficult. Just the thought that there will always be someone.. Better looking and better at this and that... Is a hard thing to deal with.. But I'm coping.

3. I myself am not 100%... Comfortable with how I am. I'll let you figure out that one.

But, however, I believe that there is a perfect someone for everybody, it's just a matter of when you'll meet them that you should be worried about. So, with this thought, it has kept me at bearable levels of happiness... And I guess that's all you can ask for. Sorry to get so real and in depth with those of you that read this far..

(Quote above is by no other than Demi Lovato.)

He's going to leave me. They one before me is absolutely perfect as will be my replacement. I'm going to be abandoned and hurt. The one before him managed to break me and abuse me in any and every way he could. I don't understand this. If you still love them don't pretend to be ready for someone new. I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm afraid you can't or won't care for me the way I do you. I'm afraid of everything.

She's out of school already, I'm not. She's been aching to leave this town, the whole state actually. She's looking for adventure, she has been for years. She wants to leave soon, and I know that'll make her happy, but I know that means leaving me behind, at least until I finish school. Who am I to tell her to stay here and wait?