5 More Minutes
My favorite feeling is waking up to the darkness, looking at my clock, and seeing that I still have time before the day takes me.
Then I snuggle back into my warm covers and just appreciate them until my alarm goes off, hitting snooze until the absolute last minute I have to get up to throw on clothes and start the day. My entire 15 minute wake up routine consists of 5 minutes to forage and throw on clothing + run fingers through hair, and 10 minutes sitting with a cup of coffee reading email or news articles while breathing in the fumes from my cup.
After that it's all downhill. The day runs away from me and it's another battle until I can safely tuck myself back into my covers, waiting for dawn to take me again.
¿Is this love?
I used to love the high of broken limbs cuts and scars,
The smell of the cigarettes I never smoked forever lingering when I rub my thighs,
How I still feel the shard from the broken mirror I used to navigate the underneath of my ribs like a star map,
My therapist says I don’t love the feeling of pain but that of being alive,
And it wasn’t until I was flung off the boat,
When my lungs filled with water and sweet bliss turned to panic,
The unrelating current never stopping when it had gone to far,
That I realized maybe I didn’t want to die
bittersweet
getting to the end of an amazing thing
is such a bittersweet feeling
but for that, it is also my favorite one
because getting to the end
comes with accomplishment
it comes with the sadness of saying goodbye
and the hope of knowing you can revisit
because all endings are followed by beginnings
and with beginnings, come possibilities
when that love, book, friendship, series or song
ends
with it, comes
farewells and hellos
when something amazing ends,
there's nothing stopping you from
saying 'see you again' rather than
'goodbye'.
and that is why it is my favorite feeling.
One of the best feelings is the touch of someone else. I’d never admit it, but I need to feel the touch of someone else. There’s something soothing about it, if I’m ever upset, a hug makes me feel happier, if I’m stressed about something, even a reassuring hand on my arm makes me feel lighter. One of my best memories associated with the touch of someone was the moment I realized how much I need it. It was late at night and I was on a bus ride back from a marching band competition. I was super stressed about things with my ex and my friend told me to just be honest with myself and with him. Amother friend told me to give him a kiss on the cheek for him, as they were good friends joking around. So on the ride back, I gave it to him, but I was regretting it the whole time because of my ex. (We were still together at that point). I rested my head on his shoulder and he put a gentle hand on my thigh, near my knee. I realized how good it felt to have that warmth with his closeness. I felt at home, like I belonged there on that bus next to him.
A Little Bit of Materialism
I’m about to give you a generic sentence on what generates the greatest feeling ever, and bear with it because perhaps I can convince you that my argument has merit and we’ll both be a little happier today.
The best feeling is being right.
Go ahead and raise your hand and answer me a question true. I’m not writing this response to gratify you, to augment your vanity and pride in your very own mass of brain cells. I care more about being right in the moment. I’m pointing out that feeling when you play that song or read that one beautiful piece of rhetoric. I’m pointing out that realization that, damn, I made a good choice in clicking on this or buying that. I’m pointing out rapping all the lyrics of Kendrick Lamar’s DNA, hitting the final move to your spontaneous dance routine at home alone so hard you want to sign up for hip hop classes ASAP, and getting that one run at the end of Panic! At the Disco’s Saturday Night right.
I’m underscoring the importance of comments that say, “I loved that part” or “Your story absolutely kills me in the best way”, letting me know that I don’t need to worry about that chapter I wrote in the middle of the night that I was uncertain about. I’m directing your attention to the feeling of short but intense work paying off because guess what? That A+ shows you did something right in that 2AM black coffee-fueled final paper-writing extravaganza (not the procrastination part, though--that part was utterly wrong). I’m reminding you about that time you spent with your little brother discussing his math homework instead of watching music videos.
All these little random choices and events are the ones that are bring an instant smile to your face, without being the results of long periods of work. The reason they count as you “being right” is this instant smile--the physical proof of making the right decision or just having done something right.
It’s a little frustrating trying to explain because there are so many instances. So I’ll leave you with a request: do something right today. Scream along time your favorite song and hit that high note. Watch that new movie in your favorite trilogy that just came out that you’ve postponed watching because you’re stressed from work. Call your mother and tell her you love her food, or at least that you miss it.
Make yourself smile--that’s the right thing to do.
On the Road Again
I awake to the darkness outside. I must been lulled to sleep by the sound of the engine. It always did make me tired. I sit my chair up and see the scenery passing by. The mountains, the trees, sometimes a house or two, it was just so beautiful.
I turn and look at you. My driver. My love. You are startled that I am awake. Nevertheless, you are happy and begin to talk to me about the things endlessly on your mind. Your hopes, your dreams, your family and how you feel around me.
You pick my hand up and kiss it. We hold hands as we silently drive down the highway. I would give the world away to keep this moment.