My body is winter. Covered in thick, white blankets. It’s soft and mushy. You want to touch it. To mold it. To play in it. But those who carry on for too long will fall victim to frostbite. Vengeance. My body— the one I’ve been inside of for too long— has windows. The outside reflected in dark pupils. I see summer outside and imagine dancing in the sun. But my body is winter. Stiff. Cold. A sharp chill runs down my spine as I look down and see the flesh. I hold it, pinched between my thumb and pointer finger. I imagine taking a knife to it and cutting off the excess. But only in the winter, when nobody will notice the scars. In the winter it’s okay to hide. It’s okay to stay inside. To be sad, but only in private. A deep depression washes over me. I combat this virus, which attacks my body, in the only way that I know how. I write. I write a new story for the winter. With my body underneath the covers, I write.

I can't write it

in a story format.

I have to use the

metaphor and line breaks,

because it seems too close.

Too too close.

I don't scream into a pillow.

I don't punch walls.

Because I don't want to leave evidence

of my pain.

If no one can see it, it isn't real.

It isn't real.

IT

ISN'T

REAL.

i'm fighting a battle, just like you.

but when the war gets rough sometimes,

hold up your chin and keep marching on.

the world may not be ready to lose,

but you aren't either.

don't give up.

nothing ever was accomplished

by taking a seat.

stand up for what makes you you.

if you don't advocate for yourself,

nothing ever changes.

you can't get better by staying quiet.

if you need to talk to someone, talk to them.

it's as simple as that.

i know it can be hard to get the words out.

sometimes they stay in your mind,

cemented to the roof of your mouth.

even cement breaks.

all silence can be broken

if you speak loud enough.

"I did it!" She smiled up at me. She sat cross-legged on the floor, blood streaming out of her chest, pooling into her lap, and down the sides of her legs. Eyes wild and hands dripping red, she held up her own heart. Each beat like the tick of a too-fast clock. She looked me dead in the eye, "It was destroying me. So I took it out." Hot blood bubbled down her shirt as she sighed, "And now I can breathe."

I'm in the chair, but my heart is there with you. Holding your hand, trying to get you to talk about something happy, something that pulls you away from that place. Reminiscing on when I was a stupid kid to make you smile or playing YouTube videos that I know you like because I hate to see you so down. You can lean on my shoulder and know I'm here for you even though it's been years since we thought about each other. You can feel the goosebumps and hear my heartbeat weird as a picture gets stabbed into my skin. You can feel my hand sweating in yours because I don't know if I'm doing this right but I hope I am. You can believe me when I say I've got you, even if it's just a hypothetical situation.

Can I lend you my arms to keep you warm at night?

They instantly know what to do to set your mood right.

They fold and bend and stretch out and wiggle at the end.

They lay around and listen when you just need a friend.

They have a shoulder connected that you could use to cry on.

That is partnered with a torso your head could use to lye on.

If all of this doesn't keep you from being left out and alone.

You could always text me in the middle of the night

or

call me on my cell phone.

#metoo

I'm good at being alone.

Perfected the art.

Brought it down to a science.

And in the screaming silence

I always told myself.

This is what peace feels like.

But there are monsters in the black.

I've seen them

And the fear behind your eyes

Tells me you believe.

You see them too.

The world says they're not real.

There are no monsters.

Men aren't monsters.

But you and me

We've seen the shadow world.

No one but me

Could better say

I'm better off alone.

But no one's better

In the void of dark thoughts.

That's where those monsters thrive.

In that silent black

They built their home.

They made their bed.

There is light in all of us

That drives those beasts away.

But that light is a reflection.

And only through each others' eyes

Can we see it in ourselves.

You are my hero

And I am yours.

And perhaps we are our own.

And it's that strength

That binds us.

Not the monsters that we share.

Not the darkness overcome

But the light

We gave each other.

A sad Heart is a Lonely heart. Dried tears of yesterday's Dreams. No one to talk to or understand the Loniess I Dread. Out of the Darkness I stand Alone to Face my Fears. The warmth of the Sun Warms my Heart and Brightens my Soul. Take a Walk. With all the Beauty in this World you will never be alone. Open your eyes, Look around, and Smile. You will never know; you just might Get a Smile Back. :)

We grew up poor. White trash, you might say, though my mother would take offense. Our annual pilgrimmage to the east side of the state was the closest thing to vacation. The much anticipated journey ended at his house.

He lived across the street from his mother. Different, but harmless, they thought. Smelled of cheap aftershave and pottery clay. Loved kids. We would stay there, while mother stayed across the street with the other adults.

He would care for us.

He would bathe us.

He would sleep in our room. And touch us.

Our secret.

But I was a boy. White. And poor. Sometimes even a bit of a troublemaker.

No movements for us.

No us.

Just me.

Alone.

Today is one of those day where everything just pulls you down.

the day doesn't go the way you expect it.

you meet someone but you can express yourself.

you feel mellow inside and cant explain why.

all you can say for sure is somethings missing.

You drive your car and just want to keep driving

Because you hope the songs will answer this feeling.

its only today, and its okay.

I get home and i ask why? what can i do to about this feeling inside.

The sadness has this lull that i can't escape.

i switch off the light and lie on my bed.

seeing the world of my memories.

poking at everything that makes me sad.

I'm missing something and i can't explian why.

I want to feel the absolute low to figure it out.

My darkness reveals the scars,

My sadness touches the heart.

And my tears tell me im human.

it all comes back.....

i find myself transported in time

repeating this story in my mind.

"one day i will reach that place.

A happiness so great that i will be willing to forgive myself

for going through that place."

Today i just want to feel a bit more of this sadness inside.

its a world real to me albeit imaginary.

But right now the only place i can see my dreams come alive.

the one that tells me i'll be meeting her someday.

that i am the person i wish to become.

Now i can see her in my arm, it is a pleasure to be around her.

her smile, her skin, the sunlight and the wind.

This sensation that i feel inside.

I have yet to find her in real life.

The one whom i am already in love.

And i dont want to leave now.

The stubborness of the kid inside

i guess this is what heaven must be like.

You dream something and it comes alive

its only today and its okay....

Cuz you need this day. One day it will all make sense when you reach that place.

working everyday doing the grind.

I forgot there was a human inside.

the reason for my why.

i needed today to see my true self .

Its been a long time since i felt myself inside.

Tomorrow i'll be prepared.

And the day after i will hope to meet her.

but for now i just got to keep patient.

work on being the best i can be.

the best story i can make of my life.