I got to know you are not well. I got to know you are thinking to buy a blade from the shop, staring at the fan on the ceiling, making rounds in the kitchen to get the knife, going on the terrace, looking in the river or the sea, trying to overdose with those sleeping pills. C'mon love stop looking at those veins! Stop it! Now!
Let me tell you something, incidences from your past. Do you remember all those times when you got sick - cold, cough, fever, injuries, sometimes fractures, operations and serious illnesses?
Do you remember who was with you? Hmmmmm.... Your mother? She must be but.....for every single moment? I guess the answer is negative? Then who was?
Everytime your body went through pain, your soul was there for you. Every moment it was there, with you and only you. It hoped for you to get well. It hanged on there for you to recover.
Now its time for your body to be there for your soul. Give it time. It will heal, don't worry. It needs you! Don't give up buddy! It will take time the way your body did. Don't disown your soul. Be the shelter it wants you to be. A little more time and it would get better. Pray for your soul the way you prayed for your body. Stop looking at those veins with wrong intentions. Stop going on the terrace with wrong intentions. Stop doing those things. Stop thinking those things, it scares your soul.
Your soul was there for your body.
Its time for your body to be there for soul.
Hang in there soul!
Hang in there love!
1 November 2019
It’s for you
I know I’m being nosy, but hey, I do have a nose, right?
Ever felt sad without any reason, tears welling up behind your eyes? Ever thought about the worst pick up line to yourself - “Nobody understands me”?
Let me get to the point, have you ever been so lonely, so low in life, so blind that you thought of taking away your life? Yeah, I mean suicide.
Coming from a teenager does that bother you?
I’ve been through it, I just held onto the darkness for a bit too long.. I cried. Yes, I lashed out. I know it hurts to do that to your loved ones. I know it hurts right in the inside, in the core.
At times I got confused, I didn’t want to know anything new, I deliberately cut off all contacts.. Shooed away people who cared for me. I made enemies.. Hell yes, I know how it hurts to have insults thrown on your face when you are least involved in it.
But then I am still here. Self harm, something that I battle even now, I know I am scarred. And I am trying so very hard, I want to be the same person I was before..
I know, I can’t understand what’s going on in your heads, in your lives. But please don’t take your precious life. Whenever I think about it, I start picturing myself in the place of my parents.. Where would they be?
You are angry? Write out your feelings on a piece of paper, crumple it up and set fire to it.. Let it go away. Don’t latch yourself to dark thoughts..
You know what, before I became like this, I used to have a dream.. I was in a duel.. The supporters were cheering for me.. My opponent had no one, completely alone. That gave me a sense of euphoria.
After all this hurt and bad times, I have the same dream, only this time the roles are reversed..
My opponent has got the world cheering for itself.. I have.. Only me. And when I win, I feel more than euphoria.. I feel like a champion.
It’s not necessary to win every single time but it’s damn necessary to have complete faith in yourself. You should know, you are with you, no matter what.
I guess that scares away the beast in us as well..
Have a good time.. Love life. Live life.
i’ve been drinking
You've only been gone for a week, and in the grand scheme of things I know it isn't a lot of time - but fuck if these days don't feel like years. It's weird in this relationship of ours, how the days feel like years when you're gone, and when you're home the years feel like days as they pass. Four years feels like four days and I'm terrified of how fast it moved.
Time never stops, and it's relentless in its pursuit of something we'll never know. I just want to stop it and ask what it's looking for. What is it hurtling towards, carrying all of us with it? Why does it need to go so fast?
Doesn't it know that I want eternity with you?
A part of me believes in the continuation of lives. Of reincarnation, and souls that seem to find each other in every lifetime. I don't know if we're there, but I would like to believe it to be. What does power lie in if not our beliefs? Kingdoms have crumbled at the hands of differing beliefs - a new world was shaped in the image of our imaginations. Why can't it be so after death?
I've had a few drinks, you know what that does to me. We drank for the first time on the floor of your mom's apartment. I remember how you leaned into my shoulder and we talked about the stars - I totally forgot there was a third person in the room (sorry Destiny). You bewitched me with your unexpected softness, with your love for the universe.
I am still bewitched.
You hold my heart in your grasp, and you've been nothing but gentle to it. I love you all the more, because I forget that you hold it. Your love doesn't ache in the way great poets proclaim. No.
Your touch is so soft, I can't remember when you didn't have all of me.
I want you to always understand that you are the best and brightest parts of my life!
Being your mother was the best gift I have ever received, all five of you were good kids and now you are wonderful adults. I am and will always be extremely proud of the people you are and the parents you have turned out to be.
No matter what you do, you always have my love forever my children.
I thank you for blessing me with your presence in this life. It has been my honor to be your mother.
To the ones I love
To the ones I love and who love me,
I'm sorry I can't be who you wanted me to be. I don't want to let you all down - but I don't know how much longer I can do this. Every smile I give takes a piece of my heart with it. I don't want to leave you all behind, but I don't know how I can live here.
I wish I knew how to decide - I've been standing on the precipice for so long, it feels like home.
I'm sorry I can't be the perfect daughter, sister, friend.
I want to be, but I don't know how.
I wish I wasn't who I am.
But I am. And I'm sorry.
Dear Past Self,
I have some advice for you: Don't mess things up with your friends. Don't isolate yourself. Don't get to know the most messed up person at school. Don't become the most messed up person at school. You might want to try some self-love. Some self-confidence too. Do get your head stuck in the world of music and dance, it will help you try to ignore the voices in your head.
P.S. DO NOT eat that muffin on Thanksgiving. It is not gluten free, trust me.
Thank you letter
I want to thank you for giving me my wife. She is the strongest person I know, even if she doesn't believe it to be true. Her intelligence and tenacity are attributes to be proud of, and I am sure you would have felt the same way. I have heard that you also had those traits. You made my wife who she is, even if that wasn't your intention when you left. Your granddaughters are growing into that mold as well.
I wish we could have spoken these words together instead of corresponding by letter. But alas, you were laid to rest 39 years ago when she was only six years old.
It's important that you know that everything has worked out well. Your passing taught us a valuable lesson. We have built many traditions in our family since the girls were very little. Created memories for all of us that I wish you could have been a part of. I know you were the glue for your family then, and you still are in this family today.
Phil, you have not been forgotten, even if we never knew you.
Your son-in-law, Mike
DEAR FUTURE SELF,
I was walking backwards in a crazy dream and I saw everyone else walking forward. It looks like I’d missed the point somewhere and had to speed up. Even the old tapes were playing in reverse though, confusing every conversation I’d ever had. I felt like I was turned inside out, headed the wrong way on two divided road, crashing into life like it was a glass mirror and cutting myself.
Then again, it was Monday and Monday’s aren’t exactly my favorite day. Hello.
I woke up, just like that, and I was on auto pilot, witling away in the waiting room, waiting to see my psychiatrist again. She was my oxygen supply and, the truth of it is, I needed her like my own blood.
Laura laughed, “I knew you’d come to me.” She said in a monotone. I wasn’t sure if the dream had begun or ended. Maybe Laura was some kind of phantasm I’d created in order to put the pieces of my life together. What was real anyway?
I inhaled the second hand smoke from her cigarette and said “So, where else could I possibly be, Laura?” Laura laughed in a chilling way that crawled under my skin and infested my brain. She was the expert though and I needed answers from her.
I compared her to a fortune teller and figured she wasn’t one to turn up the wrong cards in the dilemna. I could count on her for it. It’s not that she was even really a doctor-doctor. She was SPIRITUAL and yet haunting, like the feeling I had, and she was my sole addiction. My dependence on her was like a daily fix and her presence in my life was a dangerous drug.
“Run past your fears and come to a sudden stop,” she said, advising me, as she poured herbal tea into two cups and handed me one. “For you see, you must stop and wait for the color of life’s light to turn green before you make a move. Otherwise you’ll get way ahead of yourself.”
Something was telling me that Laura’s advice meant I should quickly assess the circumstances of my life and leave any major decisions on hold. The black clouds building up outside of Laura’s office home confirmed the words I listened to.
“You’re headed for major changes.” She added.
Laura’s chameleon eyes were darker now and tears were building up in the rain. She’d stepped outside with me and it seems like this 62-year old woman was more than clairvoyant. She controlled the universe. Why was I drawn to her like a magnet when I hated needing her?
It’s why I’ve come to you now, future self. Maybe I don’t need some spiritual, haunting doctor to teach me right from left. I think I just need to see twenty years from now and hear what you have to say to me. I hope you’ll say you waited for the light to turn green and walked forward. There’s no sense in walking backwards in a dream.
Dear Older Me,
I am writing this while I am sixteen, halfway through high school. When you read this, you will be eighteen, a woman, on your own. I don't have much to say, just to give you my hopes for the future.
I hope that when you read this, you still want to write that book I keep rambling about to our family.
I hope you still are planning on teaching high school English and literature.
I hope you've remembered to put God first in your life... Which is something I still need to improve upon.
I hope you've been able to open yourself up to others without worrying about if the people you open up to will hurt you. Worrying about that will destroy you. Trust me.
I hope you realized that you don't know everything.
I hope you've been able to open your bedroom door at midnight to use the bathroom without standing and clutching the doorknob for ten minutes hyperventilating because you're worrying if a demon's gonna pop out and possess you.
I hope you still want to have something to do with the family, and that you made amends with the girls.
This might be a lot to ask, but I'm sure that by the time you read this, you'll be a different person than I. More responsible, more mature, more willing to find joy in life. Not everything and everyone is out to get you.
Hope (from two years ago)
One more thing: I hope you've stopped picking your stupid nails!