Sweat forms on my brow,
Slowly dripping down
Uneven, shaky breaths
As my mouth wavers,
Grasping for a bit of air
My heart pounds,
The pulsing sound
So loud in my tender ears
My mind a mess,
Words and ideas
Bouncing around my skull,
Banging against ivory bone
No, no, no,
I don't want this,
Just leave me alone,
I am taken
by my own hand
with lawless command
...here I lie
day and night,
out from my roots,
across the sky...
while I still chide
this ill begotten
as too old,
for such pursuit
I must uncover
as to the why,
to the song
that is played
...who lost the key
to the track...
in the rain
so far away,
from any dock
from this deck
like in a suite,
on the backs
of other peeps...
as to trip
...in this tidal
pool of ideas...
from which I drown
...for lack of one
that I recognize
which I fail
The walls begin to close in.
Don't touch me.
Sight lined with black.
Head filled with clouds.
The clouds are storming.
Thunder, roaring, I can't hear myself think.
Lightning strikes, each bolt doubles the feeling.
I can't breathe now.
My lungs are closing.
I stagger and fall, but did I really?
Which way is up?
Where am I?
I said don't touch me.
I need to go.
I can't walk.
I need to get out.
I'm trapped in my head.
The world is ending.
Yes, it's about me this time.
MY world is ending.
She opens her mouth, lips flailing, but no sound comes out. The tomblike silence makes her bones shiver. June shrinks back and before she knows it, she runs to the bedroom and locks the door behind her. She leans her back on the wooden surface and collapses on the floor, trying to steady her breathing. Her breaths are shallow, her lungs on fire. Her eyes blurr from tears, a kaleidoscopic view flashes before them. She's dizzy. She retches. The room is a whirligig spining faster and faster.
She tries to focus on the glass of water on her nightstand. Her throat is dry. She desperately needs a gulp.
The water is too far, too far, too far...
Her body is paralyzed. It won't obey.
The room is so dark. I'm alone, alone, alone.
Numbness is all she feels.
Everyting spins. Spins. Spins.
Her chest heaves.
I can't breathe.
Her body struggls to catch up to her mind, racing in meteor's speed on collision course with Earth.
I'm going to die. I'm going to die too. He'll kill me, he'll kill me.
The broken sounds of your breath
as you remember his against your neck
Soon has you clawing at your chest
Leaving you suffocating on the pain and regret
You remember the anger in his eyes
The way you fell for the lies
And his charming handsome disguise
As he claimed you for his prize
The pain in your head makes you feel weak
How could you have ever been so meek
And now it’s courage you seek
Everytime you hear the floorboards creak
He said he’d never let you go, You belonged to him.
You felt the remorse of a sinner although he was the sin.
How could you have been so naive to let him in.
Now you’re left broken and the anxiety begins.
Your breath turns into butterflies and it flutters in your throat
You realise again, you’ll never be able to cope
But deep inside of you, you search for the hope
That you know you need to grasp before you begin to choke.
How could another person leave you with this kind of despair
You remember the broken bones, the pulling of hair
Its flashbacks like these that prove the world as unfair
You were good and wholesome. You need to be repaired.
When the rose tinted glasses shattered, you could finally see
The bruises and scars that had come to be
But you still craved his love and allowed yourself to bleed
Now you’re all alone and don’t realise you’re free.
Release the butterflies and let them fly away.
He was a disease and you’re free to live another day.
Speak out loud and shout the words you need to say.
I know of the pain and for you I will pray.
( hope this is ok. I haven’t written en exactly what led to it, but rather what she remembers as the panic attack hits)
A drumbeat takes up residence in my ears
pounding to the rhythm set by my heart
that I can almost feel surging up my throat
or exploding through my chest, causing
weak knees, arms dangling useless trembling hands
waves of nausea leaving a taste of bile in my dry mouth
lights dimmed sight blurred mind swept
of logical, rational, meaningful thought
leaving only ceaseless, paralyzing, irrational fear.
In my/your/our head.
Get.out.of.my.head. Get.out.of.my.head. Get.out.of.my.head. Get.out.of.my.head.
Breaking. I’m breaking. Please don’t let me break. I don’t want to be broken again.
I close my eyes. They sting so I reopen them, I look through blurred vision.
/breathe in for 4, out for 8/
I try to keep my hold on my pen, but it's like a 50 lb weight in my hand, so I put in down and reread my report.
/find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch/
My breathing becomes shakier and quicker, am I dying? This must be it for me.
I'm sorry Mrs. Birch, I didn't mean to steal your candy when I was in your class. And why didn't I turn in my apron from my last job, they must be so mad at me...
I try to stand but my legs are jelly and I fall right back into my chair, I can feel their stares, I know they're staring. please, pleasepleaseplease stop STARING AT ME!
/look for 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell/
Fingers turning numb, my vision blacks out, I have to get out of hear, this is a disaster zone. I can't breathe, I think I'm falling asleep, maybe then I won't wake up.. and face these terible people, don't they know staring is rude... what was i saying?.. i cant remember..
My sight turns dark.
/1 thing you can taste/
It is so hot in here.
Why is it so hot in here?
Can anyone else see me shaking?
Do they hear I'm screaming inside my head?
I'm going insane.
I'm going insane.
Can they tell?
I'm trapped in here.
I'm trapped in here.
Will they be suspicious
if I ask to use the restroom?
They will ship me off to an insane asylum.
Why is my heart beating so hard?
Am I having a heart attack?
I am going to die
I am going to die.