if only i had taken one more

one more pill

one more and it might’ve

worked

i tell them i’m better now but

i’m so much worse

but “fake it till you make it”

has been my lips’ only truth

i don’t know why i called the hospital when i

couldn’t breathe anymore

i didn’t want to

if only i hadn’t

then maybe i wouldn’t have to still

be here

day after day

minute after minute as i become n u m b

to the pain

i guess now i’m just waiting

until i’m too numb to dial 911

until i’m too numb to think

until i’m so numb

that death will be just another normal day

If only I hadn't swallowed

that stupid red crayon.

Maybe then my sister

would stop telling me

how my cheeks turned

the color of tomatoes.

How the tears

kept trickling down my face.

How I just sat there

getting upset

over the stupid red crayon

that I

purposefully

ate.

If only I said I loved you more

If only I kissed you more

If only I knew what those moments ment.

If only I could hold you,

and smell you,

and be with you.

If only my life was normal and

we could be together.

If only the pain was lost

and the promises were true.

If only I didnt need to doubt you

Forever and always.

If only you could care for me

the way I care for you

If only my lifeless shell could be filled

with your presence.

If only I learned to treasure the small things.

Like hearing you,

the memorys,

Hearing your name

feeling the pulse and my wrist

and know that the blood

is yours.

If only I understood the limitations of what you were willing to give me. If only I had taken more chances when it came to you. If only I looked beyond family's and society's expectations of what I needed in a relationship. If only I took advantage of the incredible chemistry we had together despite knowing it would never last. If only I understood that life is not a romance novel. If only I had focused on the reality of what we were instead of reaching for something you weren't willing to give. If only I were brave enough to take what I craved from you. If only I listened to our reality rather than creating a fantasy world. If only I understood us better, I would have closure and acceptance for what things were.

If only I hadn't been as scared of shots

It always ties me in a knot

I always imagine it to hurt a lot

But it really does not

I thought docters were for when you get hot and have snot

But all I think of is the painful shots

If only I hadn't been such a coward.

So driven by funds. Or the distraction there of.

If only I had gone to see you earlier.

I'd live free of my guilt's density.

Bulldozing every waking moment of my existence.

I should've been selfless. Placing you above all.

Treated you like the precious gem you were.

I should've said my goodbyes and sent my blessings.

I now stand here consumed with unheard apologies.

Selfishly still asking more of you.

Disturbing your peace. Missing you. Loving you.

Broken. Lost. Drowning.

What if it was truly I who died that day?

Please forgive me where I cannot forgive myself.

If only I hadn't

given you that chance

you desperately begged for.

If only I hadn't

said "I love you too"

and pushed back my boundaries

and taken that chance.

If only I had

stayed in reality.

Knowing you'd leave

whether I said yes or no.

If only I hadn't

given you that chance

to leave me heartbroken.

Then I'd be okay right now.

And not wiping my eyes

wishing you were here.

If only I had listened

They said he was bad news

I saw a new point of view

They said he was utterly bad

But I was so tired of being sad

They said he was dangerous

I just wanted to be adventurous

They promised I would regret him

I never thought it could end so grim

He began his attack

I just wanted my life back

He took and took

While I was left shook

He tore me down

Until I could only frown

His words were a knife

They were slowly taking my life

His fists left their marks

I started to see the dark

If only I had listened