Deep down, I love you
Even deeper down,
I know you're unhealthy for me,
A parasite latching on,
Draining every bit of life
From my fragile body
Your hand grips mine,
Too tightly, bones threatening
To snap into dust
That same hand,
Holding me back,
Forcing me down,
For all these years
Our fingers entwined,
Binding me for life
No longer, I refuse
To be your trophy,
A tool for you to use
Even though you're a monster,
I forgive you
Even though my heart
Burns with resentment,
Boils with hate,
I forget you
I take ahold of my life,
I won't let go
You ride with rectitude,
on a cloud of spilled ashes.
And you sleep with the pain
and make love to the sadness.
You make clothes out of candor
and affairs out of heartache.
And you want to be present
but your head’s out of reach.
And you want her to be there
but you cannot preach.
And you dive and you dive
deeper into yourself,
until you forget that you ever felt.
And we look divine in a cage
and we look too old for our age
and we walk the world as our stage
but what you don’t see we’re implying,
this is our adadieuwe are dying.
The Un-doer’s Curse
Aze sat motionless and crumpled in the centre of a lone bed. His teeth were grit, his elbows and knees clashed, and his palms lay stretched and pressed over his eyes, pushing so hard, colours sprang like sparkles in the darkness of his mind.
“He was cursed,” said the healer, “perhaps in his sleep… It must be the workings of an Un-doer.”
“But what can be done?” his mother’s pleas tore at his heartstrings.
“We’re doing whatever we can. Though the spell, or rather, the entanglement of spells is unfamiliar to us.”
Together, their voices spread harm worse than toxins through veins; this nurse spoke of unknown curses, but the true one was cast by her words.
His limbs fell limp, and any remaining senses were dimmed.
What purpose, he wondered, lay in coming days equipped to a bandage blocking his life from his mind? He found no answer. And as they poked and prodded his temples, and as healing arte heats blanketed his face, his hours filled a week, only so they could verify the futility of it all.
All that bred from their help was a masquerade’s mask clinging to the bridge of his nose, harnessing whatever vile powers rotted his sight.
Fingers brushed off his shoulders with the hollow echo of condolences. A door closed.
Then the Zing of a violin came to life, playing the melody to an old inside joke and queuing the arrival of an equally old friend.
Aze moved a fleeting smile in her general direction. “What brings you here?”
Star’s tune stopped. “’Was wondering why I hadn’t seen you around. Then heard you were cursed... Now that I’m here I still don’t understand.”
“What can I hope to do in an unseeable world?”
Star’s voice relocated, “Don’t off your future because some lady in a uniform gave you bad news.”
“You can only say such things standing on your side of the mask.” Aze struck a nerve; he felt Star’s magic surge before the brittle-
Star had flicked her instrument. The strings twanged. A pulse of her power zipped forward and split the mask clean off Aze’s face. He clung to it, “what are you doing?”
“Making you live your life. Judge for yourself what you’re capable of, unmasked.”
The temptation outweighed the fear; his eyelashes rustled, then gradually pulled apart. The weeklong blackness made a violent change, but before he could asses it, the healer had re-entered the room. Aze’s eyes drew to hers.
Under a heavy purple hue, with black bubbles dotting the view, he saw her. More than saw her, he peered into her, catching speckles of corruption concealed just around the corner.
Tilting his head slightly, he uncovered it. The healer fell to her knees looking defeated, and whispered word-for-word what Aze read inside; “I’m not fit to heal. I can’t do this.”
Aze backed away. In abrupt understanding, he realized he unwound her will the same way the Un-doer did his.
Song: Unravel by Jonathan young (originally sung by Toru Kitajima - AKA TK). In this version of the song, if you treat the song like a story, it’s about a person who is lost and alone seeking answers. The person is broken and suffering and hiding their true self in a world that doesn’t make sense to them. The character/singer/narrator-person describes how they’re broken and turning into a monster and how they’re scared their own corruption will hurt those that go near. They think by 'Unravelling' they won’t harm people. The original song has a slightly different story, but they both more-or-less cover the same themes. Also the lyrics are super mega powerful...just saying.
I cling to your “love” with all my strength. I fear letting go, for I will be alone. But our strings unravel and fall apart,
And I fear someone else will replace me when I return.
I try to fight and make it work. I pray that you will love me still. But I can see that you do not, as once before you left me. You promised you would not ever leave, but here you are, running again.
I’m too selfish.
They don’t like me.
They hate me.
She won’t fight me,
my sister, my true other half.
But when I chose him,
She just wouldn’t believe me.
She knew his mistakes.
She felt the pain of his lies before.
She tried to tell me.
I didn’t listen.
You are what keeps me going.
The right choice, I don’t know.
I’m trying, I swear.
Please wait for me.
My heart has taken enough.
Get away from me.
I’ll walk this road alone.
I don’t need you.
I have enough.
But I’m still afraid.
And when I wake up,
Let me be.
(Inspiration- Afraid by The Neighbourhood)
The Meaning Behind Me
Have you ever wondered what it's like to lose someone?
Have you ever felt so depressed that you couldn't even get out of bed?
Have you ever been through something traumatic?
Have you ever attempted suicide?
Do you know what war is like?
Do you know how I'm feeling?
Of course you don't, you're not me.
I've been through it all.
I've been through everything you could ever imagine,
and I'm still here.
That's what this is.
I am honored to still be alive.
You should feel the same way.
You can never get enough of it.
All you need is love.
Remove the toxins from your life,
and just fill it with love.
You are legendary;
one of a kind.
You mean the world to me,
so please stay.
Do you know what heartbreak feels like?
The deepest pain you could ever imagine?
It runs through your body
and feels like someone has taken a knife to every inch of your soul.
You're not me.
You can never understand.
Cinderella, so sweet and innocent,
Like a bird taking flight on a summer’s day
The sun shining so brightly upon her skin
Castles blooming from the ivory clouds above
As her youthful dreams fill the sapphire skies
Longing for a home in prince charming’s arms
When she finally lands on snow-white steps
Dressed like a princess, in all her finery
All the world stands in awe of her beauty
Cinderella, she will go grow old
The sky will darken and angry clouds will form
Thunder will crash and lightning will strike
Frying innocence dead where it stands
The world, a party of sorts, will start crumbling
The guests fading away, but she, alone, will remain
Falling away at the seams, it will seem
Sparkling dress lit afire and burning
Ashes falling with each footstep forward
No where to go, she will lie lost to the world
Having fallen from heaven into the hands of hell
The cloud castles will blow away on the cruel winds
No purpose to follow them, they won’t be the same
On she must go, in the land of poison and forgotten dreams
Where good girls die and the sky doesn’t snow
Her inner monsters will wrap up their long wait
Those devils lurking in darkness for her descent
To devour her whole in a delicious feast
A showdown, a bloody battle, against their weak prey
So there she will be, cold and torn apart on dust roads
Her world shattering crimson before her eyes close
No party dress, no silky nightgown, to protect her nakedness
Until finally, like all that is living, she will surrender to eternal sleep
...and, sadly, no prince charming will ever come to her rescue
Great Challenge - love the music. I just clicked random and up popped Janet Jackson. The words just are what they are - no apologies or re-writing.
Bass, Bass, bass, bass
Like someone unexpectedly grabbed you.
People of the world today
Are we living for a better way of life?
In uniform, she sang
Break the colour lines
People of the world unite.
The words still give me hope
As they march and salute.
It’s time to give a damn
Let’s work together.
She could have said that yesterday
So far ahead of the game
Take a break
Bass, bass, bass, bay-bay-b-bass
Sing it if you want a better way of life
Like a marching band
We are part of the Rhythm Nation
Get it right one time
Are we looking for a better way of life?
Or was that just then
When we had a rhythm in the nation?
All Your Lies
I've changed. I'm not just somebody's slave anymore, obeying every order they give, every command. I've taken control of my life.
That's the first thing I would tell you, if I ever see you again.
Not that you'd recognize me after all this time. I can imagine the meeting: I would stand there awkwardly, remembering those eight months where I tried to do everything right for you, even changed myself for you, and then, in the end, it didn't matter. You still left me for someone else. You would plaster a smile on your face, searching my eyes, looking for something you knew, but you wouldn't see it. You would walk away wondering who that man was.
I sigh and close my eyes. This is always when the memories come flooding back, on our anniversary. It seems like it was only yesterday when we were in high school and I was madly in love with you. I can see everything so crystal clear in my mind, especially the day you finally noticed me.
I was just one of those people who blends in with the crowd. There was nothing special about me. I was shy, quiet, only spoke when I had to. But I had the biggest crush on you. You, the most popular girl in school. The one who could have gotten any boy she wanted, and usually did. You captivated me with your wavy hair the color of chocolate and your eyes the color of leaves in summer. I fell in love the first day I saw you, but you never even knew I existed.
That is, until the day when we were paired up for a biology project. I remember how you looked at me as if seeing me for the first time and how I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. I heard your friends laughing, making jokes about us, but I didn't care. I was so in love.
And then there were those nights, those nights in my room and in yours, where we stayed up late doing more talking than working. You were apprehensive at first, tentative of getting to know me, but it didn't take long before we were the best of friends. They were the happiest nights of my life, and even now, knowing what came afterwards, I still look back on them fondly.
I get up and go over to my closet. It takes a few minutes of searching before I find what I'm looking for: the old scrapbook. I don't know why I've kept it all this time, but I have. It sits in the back corner of my closet gathering dust all year except for this one day, our anniversary.
I shuffle back over to my bed and lay back against the tear-stained pillows with a sigh. I've been laying here for hours, lost in my memories, trying to get you out of my head - but it's impossible.
I slowly open the book and feel my eyes getting wet as I read the message you wrote for me ten years ago: I love you, forever and always. Katherine. It wasn't forever and always. You were wrong. It was all an act on your part. You never loved me like I did you.
I flip the page and see the pictures, the moments in time we've captured. In every one, I look ecstatic, smiling down at you or kissing you or just holding you close. And in every one, you don't look as happy as I am. You look slightly sad, or maybe annoyed. It's not very noticeable; I only see it because I know the truth.
One picture in particular catches my eye. It's us standing in front of the lake. My arm is around you and I look like I just won the lottery, which I guess I had, in a way. You are looking at the camera, a little smile on your face, sunglasses hiding your eyes. I remember when we went there for the first time, and announced that we were a couple. Your friends were so shocked. I laugh a little at the memory.
We'd turned in the project only a week before, but had been dating before that. You said you wanted to wait to tell them, for it to be a surprise, but now I know that you wanted to mold me into your image of a perfect boyfriend before I met them. You'd already started to change me, although it was only little things then. I was so in awe that you were finally mine that I barely even noticed at first.
Your friends couldn't understand why you, the most wanted girl in school, would be with me. I didn't really understand either, but I wasn't about to question my luck. If only I had seen it coming. The lake was only the beginning.
As time went on, I tried so hard to make you happy. I did everything I could because I didn't want to lose you. I listened to everything you told me to do. During those eight months, my control over my actions was taken away. You controlled everything I did.
It seemed to work for a while, but you kept growing more and more distant, more and more demanding. People had warned me it would happen, but I had been so stupid. I brushed them off, thinking that maybe we could last forever, that maybe you were the one. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks. It's been ten years, and you wouldn't even know me now, but I can't get over you. I've gone through college, I've made new friends, but I've never found another girl who even comes close to you. I can't forget you. I wish I could, but I can't.
I can still see in perfect detail when you started to ignore me. We'd been together for a few months, and you kept changing me whenever you felt I didn't measure up to your standards. You'd say things like, "You know, you should fix your hair. That went out of style in the 80s," and "You're too shy. I think you'd better try out for the drama club to try to become more outgoing." So, even though I liked my hair and hated acting, I did what you said. You were the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I did whatever I could so I wouldn't lose you.
I tried so hard. I ended up being a different person because of you, but in the end, it didn't matter. You still broke up with me and left me behind without a second glance, ditching me for Andy Susa. Andy Susa. He was the most popular guy in school, the one everybody said was the perfect match for you. You went to prom with him while I stood in the corner, watching and wishing that I was still the one holding you close. You treated me terribly, but my love never ceased.
I flip the page again, and a new wave of tears starts as I see another picture, one that I took myself. I kept it in my locker until we broke up. In it, you're asleep on my couch, curled up in a ball, covered by a blue blanket. We had been watching a movie, and I took it when I got up to get a drink. Your beautiful hair is spread perfectly around your beautiful face, and you're smiling. I laugh a little when I remember how I imagined that you were dreaming about me. In slumber you look so peaceful, so innocent, so unguarded. If only you had been that way in real life.
It was that night, about five months into our relationship, that we had our first major fight. You'd already been shaping me to fit your tastes, but we hadn't had a huge argument yet - I always listened to you, and so there was nothing to fight over. But that night, after you woke up, we fought.
I can see it in my mind. You were yelling, saying that I never did anything you said and that I should at least try to be a good boyfriend. I was yelling back, trying to make you see all the sacrifices I had made for you, but you didn't listen. The whole time we were screaming at each other, I kept thinking how ironic the words you chose were. You claimed I didn't pay attention to you when all I did was think about and try to satisfy you. You said I didn't care about "us," even though everything I did was in an attempt to keep our relationship going.
You stormed out of my house at three in the morning, leaving me crying and panicked that you wouldn't come around, and that we were over. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
The next morning, I swore that I would have the strength to break it off with you. I could tell that you only saw what you wanted to see, and that I didn't really mean anything to you. I was going to end things, but then when you came back, I just couldn't. I could only stare at your gorgeous green eyes and listen to your lovely voice and think how much I loved you.
A few hours later, we were back together, and I regretted nothing; I was so grateful to have you in my arms again. And I continued to feel that way throughout the months we dated, though you put me through hell. All the pain you caused and all the torture I endured vanished the moment you smiled at me.
I was so weak, Katherine. You made my heart race and my worries melt. You made me miserable, yet you simultaneously made me happy. Eight months I spent trying to be enough for you, hoping that if I obeyed every order, you would fall in love with me as deeply as I had with you.
You never did, and when you broke up with me it felt like my life had ended. I don't know how I continued on. I remember how I had to see a therapist, and was forced to sit through hours of "What are you feeling right now?" I could barely function. All I could think was that you had meant the world to me, and that I had become an entirely different person for you, but it hadn't changed your mind.
I throw the book to the side and curl up on my bed, silent tears finding their way down my already wet face. It's so hard. Every year I go through this because of you and everything you did.
If I ever see you again, I may break down, or maybe I'll start babbling, trying to make the silence less awkward. All I know is that I would make a fool of myself, just like I did in high school. The one thing I would be proud to tell you is that I have fixed everything you changed. I am my own person now, and not so submissive. I've learned how to stand up for myself so that no one else will ever make me feel like their slave. Once was enough.
More and more memories begin to find their way back to me, slowly at first but then coming in a flood. I've been lying here all day, and it looks like I'm not going to be getting up for a while. Sure enough, it's not very long before I've cried myself to sleep.
I wake up to sunlight streaming in through my apartment window. Dried tears still cover my cheeks, but I feel relieved. I made it.
The memories are still there, but now I can push them to the back of my mind for another year. I can be free for another three hundred and sixty five days before you come back to haunt me. Most people would say that's a long time, but to me it seems too short. My days are a countdown to our anniversary, which always gets here too quickly.
I throw on a sweatshirt and jeans and head to the park, the one place I can calm down. It's a short walk, and five minutes later I'm there. I take a deep breath and revel at the lush green trees towering above my head. They’re so thick I couldn't wrap my arms around them if I tried, and they’re beautiful.
I feel a pang of sadness looking at the one gnarled tree. It reminds me of the place I had picked out to propose to you, had we made it that far. I planned to kneel in the twisted roots and....no. I shake my head. I can't think of you now, or else I'll start sobbing again, in the middle of the park.
I turn onto a small rocky path mostly hidden behind bushes. As far as I know, I'm the only one who knows that it's here. I've never seen anyone else using it, and it's became a sacred place to me. It's blocked by the outside world, a private piece of the universe just for me, a haven. As soon as I step onto it, I feel freer, lighter than before. It's as if all the sadness and anger of my past just melts away, and I can think clearly.
I wander down the path, loving the sound of pebbles crunching beneath my shoes. I'm so focused on it that it takes a minute to register the woman standing near a rosebush with her back to me. When I do, I stumble backward and almost fall over in shock. Although I can only see her back, this girl has hair identical to yours, chocolate-colored and long and wavy. She even has the same body type, and my breath comes faster when I realize that you may be no longer just a memory, but right in front of me.
I make a noise like a cat being strangled. I've imagined the meeting countless times, how you wouldn't remember me, how I would avoid your eyes like a coward, but I never thought it would actually happen. The only way I've even survived the past ten years is by knowing that you were out of my life forever. Now, I'm not so sure.
I try to escape quietly, but the girl, who may be you, hears me and turns around. I squeeze my eyes shut and back up, and before I know what's happened I'm on the ground, my left knee wet and sticky. Suddenly there's a warm hand on my arm, comforting me.
"Are you okay?" I gingerly open my eyes, ready to close them again, but the face that greets me is not yours. This girl's eyes are blue, the shade of a sky at midnight, and they sparkle like stars. I almost feel disloyal when I think she is more gorgeous than you, if it's possible.
"Are you okay?" she repeats. "You're bleeding."
"I-I'm fine," I stutter, caught up in her gaze.
She smiles at me and sits down on the leaf-covered ground. "I'm Miranda. I'm so sorry about you getting hurt. Want to go out for coffee?"
"Sounds like just what I need," I say, and stand up, pulling her hand into mine. "Let's go."
She looks down at our entwined hands and grins. "Do you believe in love at first sight? Because I think I do."
I think back to the first time I saw you, when you glided into our biology class as if walking on water. It was love at first sight, for me at least. You looked like an angel, and I knew right then that I wanted to be your boyfriend. I fell under your spell, and until just a few minutes ago, thought I would never be released. But now, after ten years of remembering and wishing, maybe I can finally move on with the help of this girl.
"Yes, I do," I say sincerely, and we walk off still holding hands, leaving the trees and all my memories of you behind us.
** inspired by/based off the song 'In the End' by Linkin Park **
i miss missing you. some say that with time you heal, you learn to cope. why can’t i feel like that? when i begin to cope to feel better, it makes me feel worst because i wonder will oneday you be like the pain. will oneday my wounds from you heal?
will oneday i wake and not so easily recall to mind your face?
funny, thing about healing is that you’re never healed. the other day as i went to bed i realized that i hadn’t thought about you all day. it broke me. it hurt me. i didn’t like the way it felt to be healed because without the pain, without the hurt and the endless nights crying myself to sleep i felt like it meant that i was forgetting you, moving on. i thought i was ready to be healed i’m tired of being sick and and i’m sick of being tired. at least that’s what i thought. i so wanted to wake up oneday and feel okay. feel like i could breathe, think, without that haze of you clouding my thoughts. without feeling like every part of me was living for you sacrifricing for you, wasting away for you. but frankly i can’t your imprint is too greatly upon me. feeling better would mean forgetting you. so i carry this pain about me like a distant memory of you. like a picture of you. like a rememberance of you. You are apart of me.
your love changed who i was, who i am as a person and so when i feel the pain it’s like holding you close. i know it’s stuipd, it’s silly, naivee, but how else am i to keep you close in my mind? how else am i supposed to still be effected by you? how else am is my heart supposed to jump when i hear your name?
i know that you’ve moved on, out of neccesity you’ve forgotten me. but i can’t accept that you are merely apart of my past.
The clock blinks bright red in the dark shadows of night peeking through the single pane window. The apartment silent, with eager anticipation that the door will creak open before dawn. That your scent isn’t masked by someone’s other than mine when you walk through the door. That you still have the t-shirt from the morning before.
And then I’m there, wrapped in cotton white sheets, blanket on the floor, staring at the wall, wide awake, though you believe I’m sound asleep. My mind checks off the list you follow each night to cover your actions. Awaiting the small kiss to my cheek, a single tear rolls down my face.
Picking up the blanket, you stretch it across my body before finally taking the cold side of the bed. Closing my eyes, I try to erase the thought of you being anywhere but here.
This short is inspired by Billie Eilish's "when the party's over."
Here is a link to the song incase you would like to feel the connection between the two. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbMwTqkKSps