Afraid to Let Go
"I'll support you through everything."
"I'll take care of you."
"You can do anything."
"I'm here for you."
"Everything is possible."
If everything is possible, then why can't you tell,
But the world still spins,
And your chains still hold
You tell me I've sinned,
And under your pressure I fold.
Is it too hard to say
"I have no daughter, just a son."
Please don't let me go, I'm your only one.
Please don't tell me I'm delusional, that it's all in my head.
Please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'll say nothing instead.
Please, I don't understand what I did wrong.
Please, I'm trying, but I just don't belong.
I thought family was supposed to care forever.
But you tell me that I will never
They never told you how ugly you look, standing there like that.
But you just know, you KNOW, that’s what they’re all thinking.
And they never had to tell you how dumb you seem, carrying on the way you do.
You know what they’re thinking.
So you build yourself up,
And you think you can rise to any occassion.
You’re strong, you’re capable,
But you fall victim, unbeknownst,
To insecurities and subtle manipulations.
So when you say you’re okay...
You’re lying to yourself.
When they use you, and abuse you,
And you take all assaults that come your way...
You’re humble, you’re kind,
But you’re letting yourself betray...
All that you could have.
All that you might.
Build yourself up, but for what?
You're never going to have,
All that you could have,
All that you might,
If you keep telling yourself,
And everyone else,
"Oh, it's alright."
My mother met him when I was fourteen, she was twelve years older than him but still they hit it off. It was her last summer fling, man did she love him. The summer ended as did their sexual relationship. He continued to come around as a family friend, hes not much older than I am, seven or eight years older. We became really good friends, over the years best friends.
My sister and I got our own apartment together and our best friend had just left his crazy girlfriend and needed a place to stay.We of course let him stay. We lived there only a month more before moving to a better, bigger place. Due to our new lease he couldn't come with us. It wasnt' a big deal, he had saved money and got his own place. There had been something off about him, I didn't know what it was until I a neighbor told me later he had been selling drugs out of my old apartment.
So my sister and I decided to drop him as a friend all together. We stopped talking to him for a while then he started showing back up, my sister being the nice person she is always allowed him in.
One night I came home late from my aunts, it was like three o'clock when I finally start to fall asleep and I hear a bunch of thuds downstairs. I figured it was my sister coming home late from the bar. After twenty minutes of hearing thuds I give up on sleep and decide to get up to make sure she is ok. When I opened my bedroom door all I hear is my sister moaning. I immeaditley stop and run back to my room traumatized from what I just heard. When I go to my window to close it and try to talk myself out of jumping out of it, I look down into our driveway and see my "bestfriends" the love of my mothers life, parked so annoyingly perfect. And it hits me, my little sister is fucking my mom ex in the room next to me. And everything suddenly made sense.
Moments like this,
A sudden utterance,
A flitter of emotion then gone without a trace.
The tone in my thoughts,
The blame in my eyes,
Burning hate like a lantern in the darkest of nights.
How long has it been,
Leeching life from my veins,
Pulling my soul from its home like it was your right in the first place.
Every piece of me,
Now watching the game play on,
At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught.
How ugly truth lurks,
Attacking the back while the mind gathers words,
Indignant and cruel like sanity several years’ scorched.
I’m not HURT,
I’m NOT SAD,
I'M NOT FEELING THE ANGUISH,
THESE WORDS SPARED IN PART ARE YOUR BANQUET,
DINE ON THE SILENCE WHILE SECRETS SCREAM OUT.
Savor the taste of what remains,
I humble myself to rise above your guilty,
Never to utter a single letter again,
Erased and empty where you should have left me!
... It’s fleeting,
Memories like this,
Fluttering to a deep slumber,
Guarded in part by an army of umbers.