Close the door
I don’t want you to look at me. Close your eyes. Close the door. And walk away. But remember the time I made you laugh so hard you peed. Remember when you pushed me down the stairs and I broke my ankle, but it was okay because you reminded me of the time I locked you in the basement on Halloween. I want you to stand back when they pick my lifeless body up, put me in a bag, and carry me away. Stand back and wrap your arms around yourself, remembering how I hugged you too tight and kissed you sloppily on the cheek with the insides of my lips because it annoyed you. No, don’t remember any of that. You’ll be sad. You’ll want to cry. I’m sorry, I was selfish. I still am. I’ve always been. But you knew that, and you also know you’ve never been able to accept my apologies. So, instead, you can look at me. You can hate my dead body. You can cry. It’s okay, you were never selfish and I despised you for that. But now I love you for it, because you won’t be selfish. You won’t hate me. Maybe you’ll forgive me. You’ll listen to me, you’ll remember me, and you’ll cry for me.
I thought that, in dying, I would regret the things I haven’t done, but instead I am feeling an entirely different type of sadness: I wish I would have gotten more out of everything I had.
Most of all I just feel as if I haven’t told you I loved you enough- I am afraid that you will live to regret the last argument we had, and the silence we planned to keep for hours I no longer have left. I will miss you terribly, even in the nothingness I am plummeting into. I will miss you like falling leaves and lost opportunities, like the dust that settles on photographs, like a dying fire.
Confession: I imagined that I would grow older and meet someone new, someone who loved me more than you ever could. I clung more tightly to the future than to the past, a past in which you once told me you loved me too and then gradually I forgot what your voice sounded like when you said it. I decided it was never the right time for us. Got tired of pulling you back after we drifted apart. And I’m sorry.
I didn’t know then that love could be recycled. I stored it inside of myself, waiting for the right moment- thought that you would return to me in some other form, as some other person.
I wanted to grow old and meet you again and again until we forgot each other; I wanted to love you on my own terms, while that feeling rested continuously inside my chest, begging to be spent.
I want so badly to see you in another life,
or to relive the past five years and fix everything I broke along the way,
But if I can’t have that,
I want to say goodbye. and thank you for the moments we did have- thank you for all the sunsets, all the conversations, all the music, all the beautifully irreplacable earthly things that life has given us.
most of all- thank you for the love you have given me. it is like the weight of the world had been bestowed upon me, like a gift,
and it holds me fast in these final moments.
I have often been asked if I am always happy since I am always smiling and cheerful. As you know, my general reply is that no one is always happy, but I prefer not to impose my low moments on others. More importantly, perhaps, I often am able to feel better when I continue to exude a positive demeanor for people frequently respond in kind and help improve my mood.
But know this: If you asked me if I was always happy, my response would be, I am always happy with you. Even on my darkest days, a smile, a hand, a hug, a word from you turns my sorrow, anger, grief to simple joy. Indeed, the mere thought of you can bring a smile to my face.
If you are reading this, you may be sad and grieving, feeling bereft and lost. Please, don't, for I will be with you till your last breath, if only in a warm memory that brings a smile to your lips as you close your eyes and remember, I love you.
I'm going to start by saying I'm sorry. I didn't really have a choice here, I suppose, so perhaps my apology doesn't really mean much. But anyway. I was an asshole in life and that's what I apologize for. (Don't deny it, I was a jackass through and through. I'm not the person who wants to look at the dead through a rose-tinted window. Extend the same courtesy to me, because by erasing my bad features, you erase part of me.)
I'm not having one of those funerals. If "Wind Beneath My Wings" is there, I will figure out some way to reanimate my corpse from beyond the grave and smack you all, I swear to God. Being sentimental is overrated. By God, utilize my Pandora or Youtube account and play some good tunes. Use whatever station or playlist you want. But none of those crappy nineties songs that moan and groan about heartbreak.
I will, however, permit Celine Dion's classic, "My Heart Will Go On", if only for the memes. Do play "The Bad Touch" and "Shooting Stars". I unironically like 'em. Get a sermon in there, something rousing. Get hammered, throw a party. I wasn't a saint, Lord knows, so have a good time.
Death, to me, is one of those scary, necessary parts of life. It's an unknown. But it is part of a cycle, and I detest routines, so cremate me. Don't let the worms into my body, because that's gross and I'm not going to be an archaeological dig like 1,000 years from now. I forbid it. Toss my ashes on a biodegradable (read: toilet paper) boat, and send me off to sea. You can find something suitable. Tapioca paper. I don't care.
Now, for the individuals:
Mom- give the cats and dog my love, always. Get a St. Bernard or a Maine Coon in the house. I know Maria Lupita would die of hair, but do it.
V- take care of Tyr and Ares for me. Release Prometheus, his leg's about healed. You also get my collection of books and journal. Decimate and/or hurt any of them and I'll find a way to slap you.
B- win every medal you can in the NMLRA.
Dad- I'm sorry.
S- find every owl trinket you can get. Start a shrine. It'll be hilarious.
Em- figure out Pokemon for me, as I can't figure it out.
Ali- take every Harry Potter thing I own. You're nerdier than I am, enjoy it.
C- I owe you something, but I can't give it. But please do stupid shit in D & D and be the maddest lad ever to roam a medieval fantasy land. Chaotic neutrals always win.
And finally, P, get shit-faced and eat out buffets. You're worthy, and you know it.
Maria Lupita- our Deebot (aka off-brand Roomba)
Tyr, Ares- my blood gouramis
Prometheus- my grey tree frog
To my sister
You never understood the pain I was going through. But I'm no longer mad at you for that.
It was a lucky happenstance that you were chosen to be loved and I've been chosen to be everybody's scapegoat.
We were born and raised in hell. One was the punished sinner, the other was the apprentice demon.
My mom, my dad will never admit their abuse. You choose to close your eyes to it.
But know this, you, and you, and you killed me.
Although your hands are clean.
Last Words to Patrick
I’ve been flooding my eyes,
I feel so fucking lonely.
I came home, died in bed.
Where are you to hold me.
Our dreams have been murdered,
Been thrusted into the abyss.
But everything with you...
I can’t help but to reminisce.
We dreamt of millions,
And dreamt of success.
We dreamt of seven children,
But everything became a mess.
We wanted to have a small farm,
With a pond, hens and ducks,
(Ducks you can take for free at the park!)
But eh, we stopped giving fucks.
We dreamt of a mansion,
More luxurious cars.
We dreamt of a shared life,
For everything to be ours.
Everything seemed so palpable,
But away, we had to drift.
Carelessly, we disposed of it,
I had to get rid of the paintings, photos, and gifts.
We wanted to build ourselves,
Build our careers and personalities.
Heal our affectionate sides,
And improve our bad qualities.
The semester has ended,
There’s just nothing left to distract me.
The emptiness in my heart,
Stays... no matter who else is around me.
I’ve been hanging with friends,
I’ll make hundreds more at the new uni,
Opportunities for a new guy,
But the thought of it makes me looney.
For a moment, if only I could go back,
Once more, for some kisses n’ squishes,
But no going back, we don’t suit e/o,
And destroyed are all of my wishes.
I cry everyday, try to cry through the pain
But nothing will change what’s happened.
And we’ve thrown the blame, both have acted in vain,
Done things we’d never imagine.
My mom says to stay away,
do not contact,
I can’t help it,
Says the beginning’s best,
Says we wasted it.
Driving to school, I feel like a mule,
This breakup was really just cruel.
In class while the prof talks, I sit and stare at the clocks,
Or my phone, refreshing my inbox. :(
Today I was at work, the bartender is old,
His girlfriend, today, had just passed.
Kinda reminds me of you, gone like her,
Swept away, a figment of our past.
A lot has actually happened,
Multitudes I wanted to share.
But fuck, I hate to move on,
You prob hate me or don’t even care.
Everyone’s trying to reassure me,
That c’mon, I will find someone better.
That I’ll meet another this fall when I transfer,
But I really wanted us, forever.
But there’s no longer “we”, won’t ever be,
At this point I’m writing for closure.
You’ve prob moved on, prob hate me too,
It kills me, it’s actually over.
We’ll both find someone new, it wasn’t meant to be,
And I’ve been working on moving on.
It’s time to start over, find someone else,
And soon we’ll forget that we both have gone.
For now you have Charles,
And I have Lacy to comfort me,
They’ll give us the love that we lacked.
And please don’t write back,
I’m too hurt to get attacked,
The breakup was final,
No need to jump back.
Dont be afride I am with you. You see the sun think of me, It will dry your tears and show my never ending love for you. Know all those nasty things I said wasnt true, that you are the most importent thing in my life even though it was short. It didnt hurt, and I am not alone. Grammys up here and so is ungle. I see my Heavenly father and his son. He hugs me all day and told me to tell you he will keep me safe until you come home again. He says he loves you too and hes proud. I am too! So please dont be sad, I am with you and its better up here then down there, I am home. I now know why I always felt weird on Earth, Its because it wasnt were I belonged, it wasnt my home. But know i am finally home. Until we meet again know that there is never a time that I wont be with you and please let the sun dry up your tears cause one day you will be with me fovere and more.