I still visit my old journal from time to time as if stepping briefly through a portal, and on every occasion I discover some new or hidden truth about myself. It is as if I am looking across the mirror at you- you, with those smaller glasses and goofy smile, who did not yet care about the deep truths of the universe. You stayed up late reading young adult novels and believing in other worlds, I push myself through nonfiction when I can and try my best to become the person I believe I should be.

We both think about the future often, but we regard it differently: you see it as a new mystery, a puzzle to solve; for me, the future is something that is always too far off into the distance- I cannot quite make out the shape of it. You are so unsure of yourself; you look in the mirror and see someone who is changing, and that’s okay. At night when you are still so afraid of the darkness, I beg you, reach up and touch the stars your sister painted on the ceiling for you. Feel that light inside, carry it with you like those books that you just can’t put down. Keep writing to me knowing that someday I will smile back at you from the other side of this ocean. We are gazing up at the same moon.

And we will both forget the past, gradually, inevitably, seemingly all at once. But the past will not forget us- the temporary longings, dreams, what we all envisioned our futures to be. These things change, but our past doesn’t. It waits for us- it sits inside our desk drawer, asking to be read again.

love,

the person that you have become

Hello little Pisces,

I know to fit in isn’t your forte

You shyness comes off as awkward.

Don’t fret, little one.

Those bifocals on your face,

You’ll outgrow them and

That long thick dark curly hair

Please don’t perm our hair

Regret doesn’t look good on us

In the next few years, you’ll experience

More transitions and headaches

Your sexuality will knock you across the head

And you’ll stumble

You have a need to help people

It will do us good in the future

But please take care of you...

First.

You’re just as important

Please Remember that.

No need to be frightened

You’ll learn and learn

The hard way more than anything

The moment you think of bleeding

Yourself…

Remember pain is needed to survive

But love is given freely

So accept it.

Don’t run.

Sketch your outline in pencil

Guard your heart with all diligence

Make corrections with love and forgiveness

Your life is yet a stencil

You've so many years ahead

Sketch your outline in pencil

You'll sometimes author the senseless

Be kind to yourself, even so

Make corrections with love and forgiveness

When you feel as though you aren't special

Be patient for love and wait

Sketch your outline in pencil

When at last you find love that's endless

Write a story, forever, in ink

Make corrections with love and forgiveness

Keep the sun from setting on quarrels

Have hearts full of gratefulness

Sketch your outline in pencil

Make corrections with love and forgiveness

In one year, you are going to experience the biggest change in your life. It will rattle you to your core. For a while, you will view your life as how it was before and after that day. A dividing line where you had everything before, and lost it all a year later. As hard as it will be, don't view it that way. You will have the opportunity to start over in a new place. No one will know who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and you can fake it til you make it on your new journey. No one will know that your mom had helped you foster all of your early friendships or planned all your get togethers.

Your brother and dad will adapt well, but I worry about you. Your brother and dad are able to move on, but you can't let go. You care so deeply of the people you formed friendships with, at the expense of creating new ones.

I want you to know that letting go doesn't mean you are forgetting. It just means you are living your life in the present, not the past. Talk with people in your classes, ask them lots of questions. (People love to talk about themselves.) :) These years will challenge and push you to your limit, but you will come out a stronger person and will see the silver lining of the struggle.

P.S. Remember to study hard for the entrance placement exams. This way you can get into more challenging classes that engage you, instead of being placed in lower, less interesting classes.

P.S.S. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing or embarrassing yourself. After high school you will move far away and will not see any of those people again (unless you decide to form great friendships with some). So have fun and don't hide who you are.

Oh Alusia,

Go to your sister

Give her a hug

Show her that you’re her friend.

Go play Webkinz with her

Play dolls with her

Make a fashion show

Draw something together.

Be her friend

While she’s young

Right now she loves you so much

She would die for you

Literally.

She looks up to you

God how much love

She has for you right now

Don’t ruin it, please

I beg you

Make her feel happy

Make her feel loved

Give her the love she received from

Mama that you didn’t .

Stop lashing out at her

Stop hating her

Stop being mean to her

Please.

In a few years she will be bigger than you

And she will stop caring

She will not want to be your friend

The tables will completely turn

You’re gonna live everyday with that regret

Don’t destroy the most important person

in your life.