I hurt every time I hear your name.

I hate the feeling of your hugs.

I hate the way you smile at me.

I hate that you’re so perfect.

Momma’s little golden boy is what they call you

While I’m just the girl from the gutters.

You have it all.

I have nothing.

I hurt every time someone mentions you.

I hate how proud they are of you

I hate how you prosper so much

I hate how you’re on every magazine cover.

I hate that you’re in love with someone else.

But what can I say?

You have it all.

I have nothing.

I hurt every time I think of you,

I hate that you have a perfect life.

I hate that you have a perfect family.

I hate that you’re happy.

I hate that I’m not happy.

I hate me.

I hurt every time I think about how wrong I was in the past.

I hate myself for being so cruel to you.

I hurt every time I think about the opportunities I had to tell you

Congratulations.

I hate myself.

Since I’ve messed up so much in the past, let me just say it now.

Congratulations.

I was at my least

and I thought I had nothing

When I thought of life

I thought of one:

Just me.

I needed to stay away

they don't want you

they don't need you

Friends were for people

who were

worth

caring

about

Then came a day where

I left my comfort

And into the forest of

fear

I ran

Then out I came

timid

but victorious

Because for every one of me

There is a one of you.

-

Never thought I'd have a

friend

that wanted me

Never thought I'd find

connections

anywhere

Now I am not just one

always

I have found

sometimes

somebodies

To be with at times

Though I am still

sucked

into that lonely hole

fit for one

Sometimes I make it out enough

to find

Places where I feel like I can

be

And I hold on

because I have

something

Here I sit

Everyone walking past

Letting themselves ramble along alone

Patiently, I wait for someone to see

My tears burning my eyes as they pass

Everything is falling apart

I surrender and wipe my eyes, begin my walk home

Many times I’ve gone through this pain

Never has it ever hurt any less

Oblivious to my pain, you all walk by

Tears have never hurt someone so badly

Only for me, do they burn like acid

Kings and queens, you all my be

Always forgetting those beneath your feet.

Yesterday was better, but you can’t bring back the past

As I cry, not sure where I’m headed

The hateful voices screaming in my head

Little do I know that you hear my cries

Even though, the world is cold cruel and silent

Although, people ignore when others are hurting

Someone will always hear you when you scream

The pain will always be here

The pain never really fades

However, you always have that one person by your side

Even when all seems hopeless

Realize you have a guardian angel

She saved me

You saved me

Others brushed me aside

Until you

Into the jaws of the beast so naive

Lured by honey sweet platonic love

I was the hunted lamb

I teetered I tripped and I fell

For years I tumbled

Scratching and spitting useless venom

But I coudn't be destroyed that easy

I built a fortress around myself

Licked my swollen wounds

Rose from the ashes

Now I am the lion and by God I will roar

Self-absorbed in a vortex of consequences

Lost in the company of misery

And all her companions

Left alone, trampled

Under the marching feet of obliviation

Another unnamed demonic force

Broken down by compulsion

Yet unbroken by faith, for in the midst of recovery all for HER sake

Consumed with guilt and sorrow

No more manifesting within

Hoping for a nostalgic moment

To escape

The scapegoat children; used

Thoroughly abused

Sheer terror is a family value

Mother, may I?

The self-hate and misery ate at Her internally

Inside and out

Like battery acid on flesh

Shit, I'm still tortured by these self-inflicted demons

Oh, to decompress

In a good and orderly direction

I find myself on bloody knees

Begging!

Please give me gratitude

Let this not all be wasted

I've tasted it once, maybe

I know how not to be

And I know I need some fucking gratitude

And so deliverance comes with each exhale

A demon and its torment is released

And with every inhalation, I begin to feel alive

And stress-free

Free from torment and resentments

From the depths of my soul

'STOP STARING AT ME! What do you want!?' It had eyes that glowed brightly. I couldn't see anything except for those eyes. It was hidden in the shadows by the side of an old brick house. I shifted my legs and turned to it. Little splinters of wood were sticking into my hands as the old wooden table creaked from my weight. The grass turned black and the eyes grew bigger pushing itself into my thoughts. 'No, no, no, no, it's not real, it's not real.' Tears formed into my eyes and I felt the darkness from that shadow shift turning into a thick haze of fog as it came to surround me. The world around me seemed to pause and the fog became insatiable. Everything sinister and vile attacked my mind. It was worse than death, worse than-

"Willow!" My friend was standing outside calling my name. "Are you okay? You should come inside." I looked to the side of the house to find it disappeared. "Yah, I'm okay. Sorry I was just getting some fresh air!", I chuckled smiling at her. "I know it's your first time, so you might not feel it yet", she said comforting me.

That was the first night that began my addiction. Every weekend at the mall with a five dollar bill in my pocket I would meet up with friends. I'd hand the five over to my dealer and she'd pull out a sheet of acid. It looked like a sheet pulled out of a children's coloring book. She'd hand me a little square of the picture and I'd run off with my bestfriend popping it in my mouth to look for the boy I had a crush on. There was about fifty us and we would all run around the mall high off of some kind of drug. The boys would compete in who could take the most tabs of acid. The stores would close down around us and couples would be off in discreet places. I would be sitting in the lap of my crush while my mom thought I was sitting in the movie theater with popcorn in my lap. I was fourteen at the time or at least I think I was. The weekends blurred together and the weeks flew by. My memory from those days is almost nonexistent except for the times I experienced trauma. When you're surrounded by drug users and dealers who are maybe five, six years older than you dealing drugs out to young highschoolers and middle schoolers, shit happens.

The last night that ended my addiction was sudden. Nobody told me to stop and nobody condemned my use. I made the decision. There is no reason as to why I quit. I still don't know to this day. My mind abused by chemicals took control I assume, because my life was still disastrous and I never wanted to be sober. There are just some things in life that you can't explain.

I slipped passed the corridor,

yet every hall from there on was a maze,

I was lost.

When I went up,

I went down,

When I slipped away I was pulled closer in to the hell that I sought to escape.

Fading Universe, why do you hate me more than every OTHER FUCKING ENTITY THAT walks, or talks...

I sit and boil

in my toil...

For a while I thought I could go, and be myself...

Then I saw her,

but it seems I was too late.

They say the eyes

Are the window to the soul

I draw the curtains

From myself; endless blackhole

Shall I blind them

To avoid the suffering?

Ever before me

Sorrow’s stare that I am facing

I lift the shades

Part them to light; honesty

Reflect of beauty

As well as tragedy

Reveal my heart

In painted imagery

Through pen and ink;

My humble poetry

They say the eyes

Are the window to the soul

I think our words

Are the door and vestibule

Everyone has a secret, some dark thing stored inside.

Everyone holds in demons, and here is one of mine.

Wrecked from a young age, by a girl twice my age.

She used me and she held me, gave me love my parents never gave.

Let’s play mommy and daddy always rings out in my ears,

As I’m surrounded daily by demons, and my deepest darkest fears.

And how did I get through it?

I’m afraid I never did.

But comparing my life then, to now?

Comparing my smiles then, to these frowns?

Trying daily to hold in tears?

Take me back, make me do it again, let me feel a love I haven’t felt for too long and be hurt for all I care,

One that I hated and one that I still fear to admit I crave.

We’re all a little messed up here, you should fear the thoughts in my brain.

Thoughts creeping in slowly that drive me insane.

Thoughts creeping in slowly that drive me insane.Thoughts creeping in slowly that drive me insane.

Depression, anxiety, you can name them all.

It's part of being human, face the struggle or fall.

The one thing I remember when death took someone close to me, all I could remember is a constant ringing in my ears. I was emotional attached, but I've come to realize that death is a natural event to occur. Nothing last's forever, we will all die eventaully and sometimes the choices we make in our life may lead our dimese.

I've gotten use to death now, and when I death comes for me and there's nothing for me to do to alter my death. Then so be it. In my opinion "Death"is what completes your life, your born on this planet, you grow up through your childhood, you try to make the best of it until your teens all the way to your adulthood. Making a better life for yourself, choosing the many paths to go down, trying to make a difference in the world. You enjoy life as it is. Until death comes for you, saying your time is cut short.

Death can be unfair at times, but you can't change nature. And when your time has come you'll either be remembered or be happy with some you love.