The tension inside me is crushing. My own blood boiling so hot that it fills me up and drowns me. Heated copper brimming over, bursting my veins, enveloping my lungs. And it rises from the pit of me. Spews out my mouth, geyser-like. Flowing faster than I can release it. Until all I see is red. Until all I breathe is scarlet. Until all I feel is crimson. Until I’m so full that my own hungry shadows consume me.

I turn out

stray through the house

go to the fridge

open it

it's cold and empty

I move in hopeless space

I commune with myself

hardly hear me

I'm my radio

switch me off

I'd like to understand me

but I don't know how it works

the layout is gone

oh, it drops into my heart

my head is unfurnished and empty

oh, no flowers in the window

the television without sound and vision

I feel uninhabited

in the mirror just a face

I take me to task

don't answer

speechless interview

the void is in the detail

vacancies inside of me

and me as well

oh, it drops into my heart

my head is unfurnished and empty

oh, no flowers in the window

the television without sound and vision

I feel uninhabited

evicted reasons

cancelled prematurely

no soul inside of four walls

hundred years of loneliness

everything silent, unmoved cells

and there's no weather any more

the street has got no voice

without cars, no traffic

oh, it drops into my heart

my head is unfurnished and empty

oh, no flowers in the window

the television without sound and vision

I feel uninhabited

I feel uninhabited

Slow

to leave

the darkness

the comfort

the oblivion

of sleep

I awaken

day

after

day

after

day

to a world

drained

of color

of joy

of energy

suffocating

on hues

of gray

I feel

heavy

lumbering

listless

my body

an unwanted

weight

the air

laden

with melancholy

despair

woe

my mind

mired

in the endless

soul-destroying

mind-numbing

why’s

of it all

the answers

to which

I do not

know.

"He can't breathe!"

I exclaimed

I glanced back

Called his name

"Something is keeping

His life's soul

From beating"

"He can't breathe"

I dreamed on

As if to bring pause

To the day that we lost him

To such tragic cause

I awakened again

To realize it's true

The breath of your life

Was taken from you

Extinguished like flame

Drowning for air

Claustrophobia, panic

And anxiety all there

Filling your mind

And tainting your view

Lack of sleep pushed you further

Than you ever knew

Anyone of us, surely,

Would go to that room

To make certain your life

Wasn't taken too soon

Anyone of us knowing

That you couldn't breathe

Or bear another day

Without any sleep

Would rush to your rescue

We'd plead, beg and cry

"Please put down the gun

You're too young to die!"

We'd give you our air

We'd swim 'cross the sea

We'd comfort your soul

If you'd hear our plea

Oh for just one more chance

To go back in time

To be there for you

Somehow change your mind

"He can't breathe"

I cried out

As if feeling his pain

Grief taking the air

From my life again

Like a mantel, you left

Your departure, I'm clothed

In the darkness I'm lost

In depression I'm robed

"I can't breathe"

I cried out

Dear God this can't be

Come near me, sustain me,

Please rescue me

There is nothing left, no room inside my chest where the monster lives. A fathomless blackness that has carved itself a home. I can feel its nails gouge from time to time, reminding me that it can always be worse, that seemingly random words can hurt more than the knives I drag across my skin. There is no concept of tomorrows, of time, of plans. There is nothing but this, and the swirling, roaring screams that only I can hear, the oily clouds behind my eyes that only I can see. The stranger in the mirror with my face. The creature has eaten my dreams, my sense, my self preservation. It whispers words that ring with truth that I can’t differentiate from lies. It reminds me to smile, to laugh, to sparkle, to lie. Cry when no-one is watching. I don’t deserve them. They can’t know. Dead inside. Sparkle.

***

I have woken

to so many

h o l l o w

mornings

and that

awful

ache

of absence—

*

I have woken

too often

without mirth

or joy

or peace

or hope

or light—

*

I have woken

alone

in the dark

with no desire

to wash away the night

and rise—again—

to disappointment—

*

I have woken

so many times

wishing I hadn’t.

***

#poetry

#freeverse

Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock

Wretched and miserable

Tormented and in pain

Almost driven insane

Sometimes I feel like staying in bed

Just to pull the sheets over me

And covering my head

Wishing I was dead

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to cry

To express my deepest sorrow alone in the seclusion of my own mind

When this well of tears might finally run dry

Where I no long have to cry

Sometimes I wish I could crawl away and die

When I see the inequality and suffering in the world

The frightening injustices that humanity embraces

No longer to be haunted by all those suffering faces

Sometimes I wish we were freed from the need for money

When we would do things for each other to help our sisters and brothers

Where the only payment we needed was satisfaction in knowing we helped another

Sometimes I wish we were freed from the need for money

Sometimes I need just a warm embrace

When alone and frustrated, sad or depressed, just a smile from your face

When I feel I have failed you, or failed myself, I need some security

To set this world truly free

Sometimes I need someone in whom I can believe

When I don't believe in myself

When my self-confidence is crumbling away

To sustain me throughout the day

Sometimes I wonder when will I return to dust

Life is so brief to earn your love and trust

Yet I feel like I have been crushed like a flower underfoot

To return to dust and soot

Sometimes I wonder if life is our poem

If each experience is just another line in a poem over time

The first stanza our birth, and the last line written when its time to return to our eternal home

Where our lives are summed up in a simple tome

(c) BAM

A spiral staircase

Spiraling, spiraling

Out of sight

And out of control

Like everything around me

At the bottom

It towers over me

Like a tyrant

Controlling, controlling

I’m tied to the strings

On the end of its fingers

A marionette

Dancing, dancing

Helpless without its consent

Strings that will never be cut

And I will never be strong enough to break them

Surrendering, surrendering

To steps I cannot climb

Endless steps

Have worn me out

Before I even began

©Heather Ann

#Poetry #Poem #Challenge

The shadow is there

Crawling across the

Pale stone walls

Darker against

The moon than

The fire light

Long doused

To let the weary

Sleep the dark

Away

But sometimes,

One of them

Doesn’t fall asleep

In time to miss

The whispers of

The night, always

Present under

Daylight’s ruse

Waiting for the

Child who doesn’t

Know its name

To find it some

Sleepless night

She’ll follow it

Into the forest

Down to the riverbed

Where she’ll look

Into the water

And the reflection

Will stare back

Then she’ll know

Too late that the

Shadow was

Walking beside her

Supposed to be

Left unnamed

@Dream

#poetry #poem #depression #darkness #darkpoem #lost #sciv