has us under
its blackened thumb
smothered in its
our dark becomes
its own reward...
we want release
like from a pen
and so we bleed
till a last breath...
our inked signatures
moist and smearing
to the surface...
very faint lines
don’t tell me to be happy.
you can’t look into my eyes and expect me to suddenly,
oh god, i wish.
i wish it were that simple.
that all the thoughts would just
cease because i say so.
it’s not a choice, though.
i didn’t choose to drown under this water.
it dragged my entire being down without mercy.
i fought, at first.
i tried to find my happiness in a boy.
my love, my best friend, my everything.
but i found myself slipping deeper and deeper
to the bottom and out of his grasp.
he was angry he couldn’t fix me.
everyone was angry.
they tried to hide it, but that little game never works.
so in the end, when i’m dancing with my thoughts
that never stop,
there’s no reason to even put up a fight.
i just drown.
then i wake up the next day,
and do it all over.
Why did you do it? I don't understand.
Why did you put those pills in your hand?
Why did you decide to go away
So I'd never see you another day?
I gaze into your silent eyes
And hear a lifetime of hatred and cries
I sit back; there's nothing I can do
Men in an ambulance are coming to take you
I wonder if I'll see you again
I've got no where to turn to; I've got no friends
No one seems to care
They say it happens everywhere
Just another statistic
Another brain to pick
As I prepare to say my final goodbye
All I can ask is "Why Mommy? Why?"
Four walls, all black, no windows...
Yet somehow I can see the world around me. It's so vivid, so real.
I can't touch it, can't be part of it though somehow I am.
Not living, only existing.
The only true sound is the painful thump, thump, thumping of my own heart.
Everything else I experience is a lie.
Please come find me here in this cube of monotonous agony.
Pull me out of this shallow grave and into being...
I am here (down inside).
Your voice is muffled and I don’t much care because I don’t feel like hearing you right now.
Everything outside of me is too much and over-done. The corners of my mouth pulled down and held in place by boulders so huge there’s no point in trying.
Behind the dark curtains of my eyes, is a private second home where I hole up and push out everything that is too loud to feel and succumb to the gravity rendering every molecule of air dead weight.
Fighting depression is like trying to stand up with a car on my lap after not sleeping for a week.
I embrace these heavy times. I let them come and pass by. I rest. I write. I think. I stare. It always passes like weather. I have learned to hold the hand of this dull version of myself, keeping an eye out like I would for a loved one. Tears are cathartic and cleansing.
The world scares me
It’s a dark lonely place
Where friends can turn foes
And soulmates can be replaced
I hide myself behind my avatar
My life stands no chance of victory
I have to find a new world
An alternate universe, hidden in my darkened room
Where I can be who I want to be
A rogue, a protector, a healer
Where I can die a thousand deaths or live the blissful life I dream
No eyes to judge me, no words to break me
I don’t have to pretend to care, or please anyone
I can escape myself and the clutters of this world
Where I can finally be happy.
a constant dose of drowsy medicine
entering my system like knives
leaving me in a departed state
keeping me unsatisfied
and now i am here
with grey emotionless eyes
i feel as if everyone
is telling me lies
i put a fake smile on
despite my willingness to sleep
and never get up
as i dig my grave deep
i can't feel anything
i'm a burden to all
in a world so large
i feel so small
i am trapped in a cage
a life without expression
as i wallow through time
in this deep, dark depression
so i will keep taking
this drowsy medicine of mine
while i keep reassuring the world
that i am just 'fine'
The sky is blue yet all I see is gray,
Imaginary clouds obscure my faith.
Upon my life my depression does prey,
Faithfully hunted by a stalking wraith.
One with malevolent design in mind,
Striving to stifle any elation.
To render felicity wholly blind,
Triumphant, inflaming my frustration.
Dominated with malicious intent,
This entity from which I can’t escape.
Relentless pursuit, doggedly hell-bent,
Derisive, assuming a benign shape.
I sense its presence suffocating me,
Precisely extorting my liberty.
#poetry #sonnet #depression #challenge