Few things reach 100% success, especially in matters of the soul.
But such was your embrace.
Healing it was. With the ability to sew shut lacerations forged by fear every time.
It filled the void inside me.
Had I known yesterday’s embrace would be our last, I’d have held on till eternity.
I’d have bound myself to you and let the magic of us carry me forever.
Now you’re gone.
Deep slits are spilling my soul, which is reaching for you.
The void widens, creating a chasm inside me.
I’ve no magic. No titanium needle and thread to stitch myself together.
My soul is incomplete. Neither 100% with me nor you.
It wanders, searching for the embrace that will mend me.
But it’s gone.
I must mend myself. Again.
Is all the people I left behind
Is everyone I’ve loved who have died
Is everyone who has left me
Is all the betrayals I have suffered through
Is what makes up the worst parts of my life
Is why I’m afraid of love
Is how I know I’m human
Is how I find out I cared
Is why I lie awake at night
Is how loss makes me feel
The Way You Look at Me
I can see by the way you look at me
That our love is not what you see
I no longer believe your pretty lies
When I see no love held in your eyes
I would still get the moon for you
To know you wouldn’t, makes me blue
You break my heart every day
But it breaks worse to go away
I’m not strong enough to walk out the door
Knowing it would be forevermore
Your heart has moved on from me
I guess it’s time to set you free
I’ll always remember the love we shared
And cherish the times when you cared.
A baby cries. I pick him up and hold him in my arms. He nestles his head into my chest and falls asleep. I give him a kiss on his forehead. I enjoyy this moment. Even though there will be other moments like this, soon he will take his first steps and these moments will vanish forever.
Now he is a toddler. He toddles around the house very satisfied with himself. He doesn't need me to get from one place to another anymore. He wants to learn things and do things. We play skill building games together. He chases the cat who conviently perches above his reach. The whole world is a wonder to him and he allows me to see it through his eyes but he is growing and these moments will vanish forever.
He is now attending school. He likes to watch power rangers on TV and play hide and go seek. He always wants me to be it when we play tag and I chase him around the room, almost catching him but not quite. He gigles as he thinks he can actually run faster than I can while I dramatically lament not being able to tag him. I enjoy each moment because he is still growing and these moments will vanish forever.
He just entered middle school. He is really self concious. He gets embarassed easily and doesn't want to talk about stuff. I try to explain about how to talk to girls like I'm an expert even though I'm not. But still I did manage to get married and have a child so I must have done something ok. We do watch football together on TV. We go bowling and hiking and other 'guy' stuff. It's actually pretty cool. Even though he can be agrivating, I try and enjoy these moments because they will vanish forever.
He's in high school now. He has a job and a girl friend. I don't see him much these days. I have to make more of an effort to connect with him because he has a schedule now. He has responsibilities. If I don't make the effort I would never see him. But the meetings we do schedule we talk about life and jobs and sometimes even girls. I think about how grown up he's become. He's not there yet but I can see glimpses of it. I try and enjoy these moments because they will vanish forever.
Now he's off to college. The baby I once held in my arms is all grown up. I only see him now on holiday's. I remember all the moments I had with him growing up and I wish I could have them back but they have vanished forever.
Is how I spend most of my time
To get good news
Or even bad news
I just want something
Why will no one tell me anything?
I’m not too young
I can handle it
I deserve to know
It’s better if you give me updates
Then take me by surprise
When she is finally gone
But I can’t say any of this to you
Because I know it will hurt
So I just wait
And prepare myself
I prepare to lose yet another
I prepare to let go again
When she joined my family,
I thought it would be for a long time
I didn’t think she would leave too
And for the same reason
It’s too much
I can’t wait anymore
I need to get it over with
Can’t you see?
The cancer will get her
Just as it did my grandmother
Just as it did my friend’s mom
She can’t keep living like this
I can’t keep living like this
I don’t know if I will ever see her again
I think being sure is better
Otherwise, I convince myself it’s not true
Otherwise, I start believing everything will be okay
She will die
Any second now
I need to stop thinking otherwise
I need to start letting go
She should already be gone
She shouldn’t be taking up so much of my time
I should be able to get her out of my head
There’s nothing I can do
I’m just me
Just a girl who can’t stop holding on
Just a girl who has lost so much
Of what her heart once contained
To a horrible beast
A horrible beast that seems unstoppable
And all I can do is sit
Sit, watch, and wait
As it tears families apart
As it rips people from my life
It will be my turn
I will find myself at its mercy
And I won’t
Have to wait for news anymore
Have to wait to suffer from the loss
It will finally rip me from the world
The same world that it has made look ugly in my eyes
And I can say goodbye to the beast
Once and for all
The empty feeling left behind,
When something is gone,
And cannot be replaced.
The time spent daydreaming,
Of a something that cannot be,
That cannot come back.
The crushed hopes and smiles,
Stolen from your inside,
The sadness of the soul.
The mourning of someone,
Who left you behind,
Someone you might never see again.
The stabbing hole in your chest,
That can never be replaced,
This is what loss means to me,
A part of me is missing,
Never to be regained.
But I will live on,
Try to fill that empty space,
With something worth living for.
When you lose someone it changes you. It doesn’t matter what that person meant to you or how close you were. When you lose somebody you lose something inside of yourself. It’s almost like every person that you lose or that leaves takes a piece of you with them and the more that it happens the more empty you become. You give away parts of yourself until eventually you have nothing left to give.
You can compare losing a friend to losing a lover
but you cannot compare losing a friend to losing a sister
or dad or mom
because when you lose a friend they're still there a little
but because you are bonded to a sister
or you're bonded to a mother
the only way to lose them
is through death
and unlike losing a friend over a fight
or a lover over the same
where you can call them up and apologize
you can't ever call your dead brother up to say
"I'm sorry I yelled cuss words at you"
to make him come back
as tears run down your cheeks
because you know that that phone call
was just as hopeless as the chances of him coming back are.
You can't call up your deceased grandmother to say
"I'm sorry I didn't like your asparagus"
to make her smile at you and say it's okay
as your face flushes
and you realize you have only imagined a phone conversation
because you never did call
when she said she missed you
and she barely saw you
and she loved you more than life itself
because she was bonded to you
with a knot that was impossible to untie;
a knot that linked you two together;
a knot that you and your brother shared;
and your sister;
and your mother;
and your father;
that could not be untied until death might untie it
because unlike a lover
you have to love your family
and it's that much harder to think of loving them
because you could lose them
because in this world we live in
our lives can be taken and broken
with the pull of a trigger
or the swing of a knife
or the swerve of a steering wheel
or the hatred of a person;
and one family is all we have
and there are plenty of fish in the sea
when it comes to losing lovers or friends
so the loss of family is the loss that hurts the most
because you know
there will never be another family like yours.
I know of a boy who is my age. He’s in my science class and I realized fairly quickly he is everything that I am not. He’s outgoing, he’s popular, he’s strong, he’s liked by the girls and guys throughout the entire grade, he’s goodlooking, he’s confident, he’s everything that I want to be, but the one thing I failed to figure out was how much he is hurting on the inside.
I started talking to this boy, let’s call him Roman. Roman and I became friends in a matter of a single night, the night in which he opened up to me about his little brother, Greco.
Greco at the age of two was diagnosed with DIPG, a rare childhood cancer, a brain tumor. Most diagnosed with DIPG have roughly 9 months to live before they pass. He lived for nearly 48 months, passing just after his 6th birthday.
As I talked to Roman, I could see how much he loved and still loves his little brother.
Roman isn’t at all what I thought him to be, he’s heartbroken, he’s still grieving, he’s not popular, he’s not confident, he’s not liked. In his heart, he can only blame himself for Greco’s death, he told me one day that he felt as though Greco was in a glass box. Roman could see Greco, but he couldn’t touch him, he couldn’t help him no matter how hard wanted to or tried to. Roman isn’t what I thought him to be, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be everything I described him as.
I still have hope and believe that Roman can be anything as long as he can come to be at peace with the loss of his little brother.
(A true story)