Dear Applicant,

We regret to inform you that your Application for a Licence to Remain Terminally Self-Hating has been rejected.

Seeing that you have performed hundreds of thousands of loving and compassionate acts over the years, affecting people around the world with positive moments, no matter how small, we cannot offer you the applied-for License, in spite of the fact that you are fascinatingly human and have made many wonderfooly* cringe-worthy mistakes. In place of the License applied for, we are pleased to offer you a License To Forgive Yourself And Keep Moving Forward, herewith enclosed in pocket-size format. Please keep it near your heart at all times, and refer to it often.

Also included, as an additional consolation prize, is our free Invisible Wrist Tattoo that says “Stop,Think, Act” in our brand new Developer font. We recommend that you apply it immediately and glance at it whenever you’re feeling the urge to do something cringe-worthy from this moment onwards.

We wish you all the very best in your future endeavours. Please write to us again whenever the mood strikes, and we’ll see what we can do for you.

Sincerely,

Your friends and fans at

the Bureau of Universal Development (BUD).

*wonderfooly: /wun’ der foo lee/

Adv. with a wonder-inducing foolishness often regretted after the fact, clearly displaying one’s perfectly imperfect human quality.

#challenge #rejectionletter #self #selflove

We regret to inform you,

You will no longer exist.

Your qualifications

Were deemed insufficient

The board determines

You became a threat

To our ideologies

Politicians

Profit.

Common good.

Your diploma in idealism

Is essentially worthless.

Creativity degree

Became a simple basic

You are no longer unique

You no longer surprise

Even if our cooperation

Will be remembered pleasantly

We snatched all we could

Now

It's time to leave the stage

Botox and scandals

Can save you no more.

The public is bored.

You're wasting their

Time=Money=Value

Dear art, we hope you

Accept the board's decision

Please pack your influence.

Regards, Capitalism.

Dear "EpixTeaBagSpooge" I regret to inform you that your application for the position of Lead Game Functionality Designer was rejected. Although we appreciate your very apparent enthusiasm for our products, except for the one quote "you nerfgayd in the 90s," and your overall zeal for the industry, your handwritten resume and responses to our Computer Science test were not on par for what we are looking for to fill this position.

To review your resume we do see that you have stated that you have over 30 years experience in as you say "mass skillz that pwn all." We do also recognize you documented this by including everything from your current screen-shot journal of your 22 level 110s in World of Warcraft "all in raiding purps," to polaroids of your Television showing off your "l33t high scores" on the River Raid in 1983.

However what was most curious were some of your more colorful answers to our Computer Science test questions.

Q) What is your unique definition of Computer Science.

A) It is the science of how to use a computer for Tot@l PWNAGE! You ever read them sites where they tell you how to get the best weapon loadout for Destiny 2!? I wrote a blog once on the sceince on how to get a better KD ratio with more HEADSHOTS in Counterstrike baby BOOM! And it is also the science of making games not stupid, that is totally important.

Q) Given the management portion of the position in question; define your strategy to act as mentor to the junior engineering staff, especially in situations when they may be stuck technically.

A) Tell em Down in Front, Yap it and if they don't listen tell em to Get on the Bus! Like when we raided Molten Core back in the day ya better know your rotation or GTFO and def 50 DKP MINUS!

Q) Explain your overall solution discovery methodology when a physics based event system reaches its maximum output.

A) Physics is AWESOME! Get in a corner and shoot as MANY grenades as possible as fast as you can who cares about lag cause once I blasted a guy off the map in Call of Duty 4 and I lol'd so hard I peed. Ya know what is also AWESOME about physics!? Boob physics! You ever seen that DOA: Beach Volleyball game?! Flip flappin everywheres z0mg AWESOMESAUCE!

Lastly we would like to honestly thank you for the sketch you drew and submitted with your application. In all seriousness it made it on the fridge in the break-room. Although you weren't able to get through the first hiring gate you will always be remembered, even though you said "if I don't get this job I'm totally going to get the gig writing for the new Star Trek."

#wronghire #fiction

Absent Father,

We regret to inform you that your application for "Belated Fatherhood" has been denied. This decision was made after thorough reviewal of your application as well as substantial research into your history as a father.

You're application lacked several of the necessary qualifications for "Belated Fatherhood" acceptance. These qualifications include:

- emotional support provided to child for 5+ years

- explicit desire for regular visits with your child

- sincere remorse for shortcomings during child's younger years

- actual love for the child

As well as an incomplete application, it appears the child for which you wish to enroll in "Belated Fatherhood" for is over the age of eighteen. Our records indicate the child is twenty-two years of age. In this case, you are required to not only file an application for "Belated Fatherhood" but to also jointly file an application for "Inadequate Childhood Involvement". Our records show you did not file an application for "Inadequate Childhood Involvement".

If you wish to resubmit an application for "Belated Fatherhood" along with a joint application of "Inadequate Childhood Involvement", you may do so no sooner than 60 days from the date your original application was filed.

Board of Insufficient Parental Re-Entry

We, the International Space Travel Association(ISTA), regret to inform you that your request to travel to Galaxy Xarkos on an intergalactic internship has been denied. The Galaxy has received an influx of foreign passengers and will not be accepting any more intergalactic space travelers. Please try again next light year. Until then, have a wonderful planetary rotation.

We found your application to be quite impressive at first, but when we attempted to contact you for further information, something I might add that we tried to do fifteen times over the past week, we were unable to even locate your psionic resonance, let alone transmit the request.

After further investigation it appears that you possess no psychic powers at all, so, as any attempt at telepathic communication is impossible, your application has been denied.

Our agent may not have been recognised by you as he walked past you as you stacked shelves in your local Tesco, but I assure you, his mind probe was quite thorough and I regret to inform you that not only do you not possess the mental capacity to acquire such abilities, you lack even the most basic education required to even try.

Please do not contact us again. I warn you now, if such an attempt is made the next agent you encounter will wipe you, not just probe.

Dear Mr. Trump,

Thank you

For your ecpressed

Interest in the open

position, Commander

In Chief

After careful

Examination

Of your work

History and

Present character

Traits, we have

Determined

You're

Not

A

Good

Fit

(Stop throwing

A fit

Get over it!!)

I couldn't help but stare at the unopened envelope. It was made out of some high quality paper, I could tell by its sturdy build. It also had a giant red seal stamped on top of it. How fancy. Yet something about it made me uneasy.

I couldn't stand it any longer. I grabbed the envelope, ripped it open, and began reading its contents.

Greetings Miss Overbee

We regret to inform you that your application for citizenship for Heaven has been rejected. Your resume proved very unworthy when compared to our standards. (No, liking stranger's posts on Facebook does not count as an act of kindness nor an act of service.) Don't feel too bad though, there are lots of others who have not gotten accepted through our gate! (It's getting harder and harder to find worthy applicants nowadays.) We are sorry if this causes you any inconvinience. Keep in mind that you can always apply for citizenship for Hell (they always have spots open!), and you will probably find it much better suited to your background. Their HQ is also rather closeby, and it's a better option than just white space and oblivion.

Best of luck on your venture of seeking housing for the afterlife.

Sincerely,

Housing Coordinator of AL Living

Heather Kukowski

I dropped the letter back on the table top.

"Dammit!" I let out a long and heavy sigh.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

We regret to inform you that your application to be "one of those space people" has been rejected. I don't know what made you think you were qualified, when it is clear, you don't even know the name of the job you are applying for.

Your listed qualifications were good, but proof of these qualifications, was not. Keeping water in a straw by covering the top end with your finger, does not count as a sufficient knowledge of physics. The formulas you sent us are not physics formulas, but I applaud you for remembering how to calculate percent error.

We here at NASA aren't music experts, but the lethargic playing of an oboe and occasional recitation of the pledge of allegiance does not count as a mixtape in our eyes. Finally, you can keep the five dollars you sent us as a bribe. We do not want it. Please get your BAC checked.

Sincerely, NASA