in the end, i’ll be

f r e e

my reality

birthed from the tar

soaking my bones and

drowning my lungs in

fear, 

      fear, 

            fear

in the end, i’ll be

f o u n d

my resound

voiced from the ache

haunting my heart and

gutting my soul with

hurt, 

      hurt, 

            hurt

in the end, i will

f a d e

my masquerade

come to a close,

breaking the mold and

reflecting my life in

truth, 

        truth, 

                truth

in the end, i will

s e e

the real me

from beyond the thoughts

plaguing my mind and

veiling my eyes with

black, 

        black, 

                black

in the end, i’ll be

free, i’ll be

found

and i’ll fade

when i see that 

in the end, 

it doesn’t 

              even 

                     matter.

I've done all I can do

I fought with everything I had

But now I'm tired

So tired

& I can't keep fighting anymore

Ever since I was a child

I've had this weight upon my back

Demons clawing at my skin

Non stop

A bag no kid should carry

I'm bled dry

& darkness calls

Surely there must be

Something better than this

Surely...

Please don't hate me

When I'm gone

I didn't leave to make you sad

Didn't want to make you hurt

Or cry

I gave you my all

I tore open my soul

You saw the secret parts of me

My hell

My pain & inner turmoil

Some of you judged me

Some of you hated me

Some abused me

& fucking raped me

Violently

I tried so hard

To rise above

To remain unaffected

Untainted

By the bitter aggression

But I never belonged

Never found my place

I lost my voice

My face

I became so Numb

So it's come to this

My December, my end

Please don't hate me

For What I've Done

Just let me rest in peace

In The End

Just let me be me

In the Shadow of the Day

Let me find

Somewhere I Belong

BY: Me (Chanelle Joy)

21st July 2017

©CJ

I won't call you selfish

for the pain left behind

I won’t call you a coward

for the hurt you would hide

I know what it’s like

to be stranded in water

too deep to resurface,

too shallow to bother

I know what it’s like

to feel numb and alone

crawling out from the ruins

of all the world’s thrown

I won’t call you selfish

for feeling so trapped

I won’t call you a coward

for the way that you snapped

Under weight, under pressure

it’s time to let go

’cause I know what it’s like

to be screaming below

One step closer to breaking,

dissolving this life

one step closer to leaving

behind every strife

I know what it’s like

to combat all that’s cruel

and I know it was you

who taught me this rule

I know what it’s like

to stand against hate

rise above my afflictions,

wipe clean this old slate

So I won’t call you selfish

or a coward tonight

’cause in the end, the stars

have regained one more light.

In the end...

When you're lying in your bed

With the darkest thoughts piercing through your head

When you're putting on a brave face

But feel like a total disgrace

When your child's eyes can't illuminate your soul

When you're swimming about

In a little fish bowl

When you're fed up of justifying every action

Constantly looking for another distraction

When the sun rises but your faith does not

When everyone remembered but you forgot

When you're going through the motions every day 

You decide its best to just 'go away'

In the end it doesn't even matter. But it did matter. It mattered to everyone you helped work through their own demons. It mattered to a young high school kid with no mother who felt that no one cared. It mattered to those who were bullied and abused. It mattered to anyone who was searching for a way to express dark feelings. You definitely mattered to thousands you didn't even know. You mattered.

In the end, what does it matter?

Why even try to please the

hungry mouths of society

when they only come back for more?

You go numb as they tear away your skin, as they tear away your very essence and it kills you but you pretend not to care.

I

AM

FINE.

But you’re really not.

Legs numb-boots hanging dumb

Dizzying elevation

Primordial isolation

Panoramic & glum...

My voice is cracking

Emotions straining when

Uttered-evoked

As I down my last bottle

& draw my last toke...

Things arent what they're supposed to be

Social expectations still cling

All overly imposed on me...

Cascading kinetically-

Spiraling rapidly...

Pondering poetically-vividly my misery...

Glass-rock eyes absorb the glow

Of an electric skyline towering madness below...

In an endless second my soul is flaring

Whirlwinded devotion to free-falling motion

After hours flew by idle-vacantly staring...

Ass so cold from

The stoned-gothic parapet

Where my mind is

Frothing & freezing all of it...

'If you think you have issues

Then dude grab some tissues

Nobodie's problems

Scale greater than mine...'

So...

If you feel

Or try & reveal

By layers you peal

In some futile appeal...

Before you go on

Just know man...

This is my moment in time

That no one can steal

My final act

Off stage & for real...

As I claw at the stress

I do so ironically confess:

'I'm talking to myself'

There ain't nobody left...

& there ain't much sense in

Comparing My hell...

A somber chuckle lightens some gravity

Of what lay below-beyond & in front of me

Look up-look down

It's all the same absurdity...

A savored & precious-

Deep labored breath

Where only I can press

The emptiness that I

So rigorously suppress...

Stubborn raging-ever caged in

Life abating-frustrating-hellbent

Fabric flapping-

Winter-winded-

Face slapping-

Neck snapping descent...

The good / The bad

The happy / The sad

I gave all that I had-

I'm spent...

Heap of mortality

Impacting concrete

Pooling puddle of peace

Afterlife complete...

Life & Her Art-

Death deepens Hearts-

Connected / Apart

Connected / Apart...

Infanticide-Homicide-

Ecocide-Genocide...

Deep Inside

My ever loving-looming Suicide...

Worldwide-nowhere to Hide-

Deicide totalling 'Cosmicide'...

Words-words-words

Carefully crafted

& so delicately fabricated

Fom starving Spirits

Abdicated & Emaciated...

Thoughts & Fingers-creatively interlaced

Expressing Lines which are

So often hard to face...

A small push forward-

The Hero / The Coward-

Scurry-hurry

Filthy rats race...

Envy this Object

Falling through Space...

Every storm has a rainbow

Every night has a sunrise

I'm just not there yet

I just need to be strong

I just need to be happy

I'm just not there yet

Anger is my crutch

And sadness is my norm

I'm just trying to survive

He is still here

So why am I crying?

I'm just trying to survive

told to think a day at a time

Told all become stronger in the end

I guess they didn't realize

I guess they couldn't see

My strength is my daddy

And he's being taken from me

You were caught in the undertow,

pulled deep beneath waves of woe.

These were wounds you could not heal.

That sensitive soul perhaps your Achilles' heel.

I remembered your concert was my first.

Father took me, though he was terribly unversed.

Your music spoke to my teenage distress

Meteora unearthed all that I had repressed.

It was Chris' birthday - weren't you friends?

Was this a message were you trying to send?

Were the walls closing in? When did this begin?

What morbid, unruly thoughts crawled underneath your skin?

In the end, I suppose

This is the path that you chose?

A step too close to the edge, we didn't see you break

We didn't know what was at stake.