Cheated On by My Life
instead of sound,
For no longer to the Earth
am I bound…
and entering rage,
Into a realm I’ve wondered
with no biblical page.
Incinerated by water
and drowned by flames,
What team player
would play such games?
No longer can I look
into her eyes,
Without having my spirit
fill up with despise.
My soul is too old
to be renewed with life,
And after a lifetime of trust,
I’m cheated by my wife!
Copyright © 1986-2017
All Rights Reserved
I’m still here
Desperately scrubbing the walls, the floors
The glasses you placed your lips on
The door handles
Of your fingerprints
I’m still here
10 months deep into a new relationship
And I am still afraid of you
I can’t shake off that closeness
Of my first love
I can’t shake off your punches
And the way you held my hair
When you waited for me
Outside my door
In the middle of the night
Drunk and furious at my new life
I can’t shake off the threats
The image of you being held by my doorman
While you were shouting how much you hate me
And I could see your body
Physically unable to let me go
I can’t shake off the anger
Of having you in my life
I can’t shake off
The idea of you
The idea that I let you get so close to me
I can’t shake off
What’s now left of me post-you
The Family Breakup
That morning I knew it was over,
I was young, I didn't understand but, now I am older,
The crazy stupid notion of love grew colder
On the day I found out my dad was never a soldier.
He didn't march on or even retreat,
He sat in the middle of a battlefield and admitted his defeat,
That battle field was called depression and it killed him it did,
He did something so terrible even God forbid.
The deep scars you gave remain,
Deeper than the ones I gave myself with feelings I couldn’t contain,
These crazy ideas used to bounce around in my brain,
All because you never gave yourself time to explain.
Time to explain why felt that way,
Time to explain why you couldn’t stay,
Time to explain the reason to why
You thought the easy way was to die.
I am sorry, I truly am,
Sorry I thought better of you as a man,
Sorry your love didn’t stretch so far,
And sorry you destroyed all that you are.
Now this is me saying, it wasn’t me it was you,
You who tore apart everything I knew,
You who set a bad example which I so nearly followed
You who made my heart feel icy and hollowed.
You took your life and part of mine,
The part where I have a father who doesn’t resign,
The part where my dad watches me climb,
The one where everything turns out just fine.
This was a break up between you and me,
A break up you cast upon the whole family,
We haven’t recovered don’t be fooled,
The mask I have created may look like a jewel.
So, what I am saying in this rhyme of mine
Is that you gave us battle wounds that won’t heal in time,
Instead they will shrink and become less sore
I won’t let mine swallow me anymore.
We lay in bed together, loosely holding hands in the flickering light of the television. A bitter episode of House of Cards played across the screen. We often held hands. But my hand contained unconditional trust and warm, lasting love. Your hand carried deceit, betrayal, and icy cold lies.
You were still at home when I left for work the next morning, a rare occurrence. You allowed me to kiss you goodbye but you did not look at me. Your eyes were fixed, unseeing, on the morning news. I frowned and asked what was wrong. You simply shook your head. Nothing was wrong. Nothing at all. Go to work.
I didn't hear from you all day. You always called. I rang you mid-afternoon but there was no reply. I sent you a text message an hour later. No reply. Finally, you sent an email. An email, for Chrissakes. I've left you a note at home, it said. I stared at the words as my world crashed down with unexpected force. My heart had never planned for this. I rang you again, confused by your utter cowardice. No reply.
I drove home in a daze of disbelief. I found the note, carefully typed on a sheet of generic office paper. Sorry, it said. It's not you. You are perfect. It's me. Thank you for the eight years you have given me.
Your side of the wardrobe was empty. You'd left one tie behind. It hung in limp and lonely solitude from the herd of coat hangers you'd neglected to take. Your study was also empty, save for the cap of a pen and one small screw which had fallen from your desk. A few threads of loose cotton lay in question marks on the carpet.
Nothing made sense. It still doesn't. But I'm glad that it happened. For you are still trapped in your self-created mire of discontent while I have found my wings and discovered, to my delight, that I am able to soar.
Her stare peirced my eyes and her smile attracted me like the sun attracts a flower. I wish she was here. I wish it were real. I wish the world could feel the pain that I feel.But she's gone now, and only her spiritual essence remains. That's why I must let go. Even though my heart feels like an egg being dropped on the floor, I can be with you no longer. I hoped that she would understand and let go. However, with one quick turn of her head, my neck snapped and I fell dead.
you cheated on me
i loved you and gave my innocence to you
and you took it and let it go like a kite with no string.
she was my best friend
and you took that from me too.
slowly, all my friends believed you
when you said i was crazy.
that made me alone, which made me stronger.
so thank you,
for cheating on me you fucker.
Lay Springs Road
He rode a Harley.
He was a long haired country boy rebel without a cause.
He swore he would get out of here.
He even took me with him,
Even tho I'm not sure he really wanted to.
We left Lay Springs Road in the fall.
He was taller than the skyscrapers in Atlanta.
He pointed out the Capital was gold.
He was tan and wore jeans with holes in the knees.
He inflicted pain.
He smelled like beer and cigarettes and summertime.
He hated me.
I loved him anyway.
He blamed me.
He accused me.
He asked me to sing.
He was cruel.
He made me laugh.
He set the bar for love incredibly high.
I fell short,
but I loved him anyway.
I ran away
but he left me first.
A cigarette hole burned in my fragile heart.
I craved the pain.
I was too much for him.
I tried to save him.
He lost touch with himself and his mind.
Found an imaginary cause for the rebel.
I was a reminder of something that did not belong to me.
I found him on a balcony in the dark,
We didn't have to speak.
The truth is not trite but gentle,
tho blame is a heavy shield.
He said we didn't care.
He said we moved on with out him.
He said we left him alone.
He sad no one came to see him.
He said he had no friends.
He didnt say it was my fault.
He didn't have to.
I'm still here!
I screamed inside.
I'd always been.
I watched the skyscraper crumble under the moon,
The Capital was tarnished.
He disappeared the next morning.
He broke my heart.
He had broken it years ago,
When he was the first man to make me love him.
When he was my Dad.
His ghost forever leaving Lay Springs Road.
Are You Lonely?
The dust of this old house creaks, creeping down my spine. The tone of your voice when you said it was all going to be fine, I knew a lie. The look in your eye when I said goodbye, I knew deceit. I put you back so they'd stop calling me ‘deadbeat’.
I hold my breath thinking you're at the door. I have no idea what I needed you for. Yet you're in my brain and under my skin and in my house. You’re this feather brains bird louse. You’ve infected the beating in my veins. These rushes of blood are just massive pains.
I crawl from these sheets and slither down stairs. Sweat at my cold husk tears. Regretfully, I descend into the abyss you’ve made my basement. Hot and huffing I take you from your encasement. With a pulsing hand, I turn you on. Your eyes are glass, give me love to last! In five minutes you’ll be gone.
This time for good.
And without realising I was falling for you.
And when the deepest and hardest I fell,
You did not catch me.
No. You just sat there.
Ignoring my presence.
Hell. Sometimes even my existence.
And finally I made you confess
The things you felt (or don't) about me.
And for a time I stared at walls,
I stared in peoples eyes and mouths,
I stared without a heart to understand
And a mouth to really help.
And for a time I cried so loud,
"Why you're like this?"
"I am just tired, nothing missed."
But I am missing you so much.
It wasn't me,
And still is you.
And I agreed, I was the one who lose.
Even when I first met you, alight with music and alive with liquor, you were a hot mess of epic proportions. That day, I ignored it, and I fell in love with you anyway. For the next six months, I tried to convince myself otherwise. Every night that you stumbled home with alcohol on your breath and a shrinking wallet, I told myself that it was temporary. Every day that you skipped out on your job and went out to gamble instead, I drowned myself in a pretty mirage, trying to shove away the unpleasant, unwanted truth.
That you would never change.
That that was just who you were.
And still, even when I’d come to terms with the ugliness of the fact when you completely forgot about our six month anniversary, I denied it, with every fiber of my being. Because I loved you, and you loved me.
I thought, for some naive, ridiculous reason, that our love would fix you.
That’s why I waited six more months. As the flame between us grew and grew, I was so sure that the fire would eat away your sins and raise you once more from the ashes. Even when all the signs pointed left, I waited. The one year anniversary was your second chance, your opportunity to redeem yourself.
You probably don’t even remember it because of how hungover you were, but I do. You screwed up your second chance even more surely than you did your first.
That was when I realized it. I couldn’t waste any more time on someone who was broken. I couldn’t waste anymore time on someone who didn’t want to be fixed.
So I broke up with you. And although I’d kept a straight face the entire time, know that inside, I could feel something shriveling up and dying.
In the end, you called me selfish for leaving you.
Maybe I was.
I don’t think I was.
Because darling, if love couldn’t fix you, then I hope the pain did.