mother always told me not to fight fire with fire // why was i so surprised when we exploded?

my words did not meet yours with the intention of playing doctor

but oh,

how we tried to fix each other

when we ourselves were broken-rubbing twigs to spark a fire in the middle of a rainstorm-

we were heartbreakingly pathetic

i thought if i painted my hands blue, maybe i'd touch you where no one else could

maybe i could hold your heart when your hands were too shaky to grasp a single thought

but more often than not,

i was worthless

(you never forgot to remind me)

you said i knew nothing

as if i didn't know what black holes felt like

inside of my chest

(suffocating hurt less than everything you said)

as if i'd never felt everything

and nothing all at once

as if i hadn't traveled to hell and back by your side

(you weren't the only one who'd been burned by god)

was i your nothing

or was i something?

were the bruises we gave each other proportional to the scars we healed on one another?

we'd be doing ourselves a disservice if we refused to acknowledge both the pain and its passing

(and telling me i did nothing is involuntary manslaughter)

sometimes i wonder

if i've lost you

(but you'd forget about me even if i carved my name into your skin)

sometimes i think

it's for the best

maybe things would've been better

if i'd loved you less

How am I still struggling with you

You're not here anymore

In my dreams

You've haunted me

But every time I wake

I'm alone again

How am I still tripping on you

When you're nowhere to be found

You know the words to say

To keep my heart bound

You're forbidden not forgotten

And I need to stop seeing you

Even if only in my heart

How do you keep me wrapped

How do you make my shake

I tremble

Knowing that knowing you is the absence of peace

I don't wanna struggle anymore

I'm so tired of the games you play

And the things you say

Your lies poison me at my core

But I'm addicted

I can't take it but I have to get more

I wanted to badly to be one

With you beyond eternity

But I know that it can't be

You'll never be in love with me

I'm in love with your ghost

I'm in love with your shadow

The imprints you left on my soul

How you imprisoned me in your empty promises

I'm addicted

And quitting you is killing me

In my dreams

You've haunted me

You've been my heaven and my hell

But I'm afraid there is nothing left of me to sell

My value was lost

My chances shot

I know you'll never be back

I know you'll never love me

So how am I still struggling with you

You're not here anymore

I'm so tired of the shame this struggle brings

I've been holding on so tight

I'm letting go tonight

I'm quitting you, and it is killing me

-ashleyanne