What I'd LIKE to think of myself as is a

confident woman who has the ability to speak up

her mind and show

her true self.

A woman

of substance.

A woman

whose strong yet so loving.

A woman

whose words gratify others

A woman

whose smile never falters

A woman

with a straight mind (haha I had to add that because I'm cray cray)

But unfortunately,

I'm none of those..

And I can only live

like her in my

fictional world.

I am a soldier.

I am a coward.

I am strong.

I am weak.

I am an introvert.

I am an extrovert.

I am shy.

I am outgoing.

I am an artist.

I am a scientist.

I am emotional.

I am logical.

I am a genius.

I am a dummy.

I am brilliant.

I am stupid.

I suppose we all view ourselves in a favourable light don't we. I do honestly have a low self esteem and this is something that has plagued me since childhood, but when I stand before a mirror and adjust my tie, I don't see my age, I see a handsome grown man smiling back at me.

Yesterday I was out with friends and we enjoyed a very pleasant afternoon in Keswick, at one point the cameras came out as we watched Chanade playing and I somehow ended up in a video.

I watched the video later when we arrived back home and was horrified to see this wizened old fart wearing my clothes. I looked like something that had been dug up!

Of course what we see in mirrors is enhanced by our egos isn't it, but seeing myself in photo or video is truly horrific, I hate it.

But how I appear to be differs from my opinion of myself, as when I dress for work I see a smart, crisp professional, but others see a half blind old fool who is as scruffy as he is demented. I think I am talented when in fact I am not, I think I am gifted when in reality I'm a dolt with an imagination, and I see myself as an empathic philanthropist when in fact I'm little more than a cabbage.

Self praise is no praise.

Nothing smooths wrinkles like an ego, and even though I may have facial features only a slug could love, my mirror loves me every time.

I like to think of myself as tall. Head with the birds, tall as skyscrapers. In reality I'm tiny.

I like to think of myself as elegant, graceful, sweeping through the ballroom chatting up guests. Dancing, pirrouettes, on pointe ballet shoes, white gloves, lace parasol. Elegant. In reality, I stumble though grand jetes, my white gloves are soiled.

I like to think of myself as world changing. Maybe I will be someday. There will books, statues, schools, with my name all over them, I like to think. Maybe I can. In reality, I'm just getting there.

I like to think of myself as someone strong.

Someone that can hold people up and show them that things aren't so bad if you just breathe deeply and watch a couple sunsets with some amazing people.

I like to think that's who I am and I think I'm almost there.

But for now, I'll fake it til I make it!