My life faces these two words

Each day,

Sometimes as a question

Or with an asterisk of condition

Or a pointed explanation

Or all three in combination.

But a battle rages within my soul

Over what I want to return to my life.

Each day.

Often probabilities and sensibilities

And the devil-I-know reliabilities

Clash with flexibilities and liberties

That would expose my vulnerabilities.

I wish the battle would subside

And allow me to live my best life

Each day.

Deep down I want to expand my capabilities,

Put myself out there, embrace hopeful infinities,

But like a fish goes after a lure despite miseries

That may lie ahead, I give in to my proclivities.

Each day.

I shattered into kaleidoscopic fractals

and maybe I came back wrong

replacing every part of me

losing my identity

counting slow exhales into cold winter air

I think I was trying to prove that I was still there

I felt like the ship of Theseus

Asking the question on if every part of me has changed, could I still be the same?

I’m stuck in a daze

Am I wasting my days?

burn my tongue on coffee for adrenaline

spend an hour in the shower to see if the hot water might wash my brain

the city doesn’t sleep and neither do I

I learn the moon is prettier when the time is after three

I’m chasing a pattern that I don’t understand

And the world keeps turning me

twisting me into something new

I came back kaleidoscopic

changing and chasing

beautiful

shattered

fractures

For the umpteenth time, you want to come back,

whether in person, as a shadow, or a dream.

So, I will give you another opportunity.

For pleading your reason to reconcile,

knowing the outcome will be the same

due to old habits fueled by one-sided benefits.

For delivering “I’ll do better” promises

that have exceptions and excuses

which absolves you from fulfilling them.

For expressing words previously spoken.

Meaningless vocalizations without recourse

that should remain silent.

For executing gestures long overdue,

well past their expiration date.

But still hiding fresh agendas.

For when you’re done, I’ll only ask for a minute.

I’ll use all my 60 seconds for retribution

and your relegation to the shadows cast by my dreams.

For once I’ve finished clearing the air,

you won’t want to come back anymore.

You’ll understand I’m better off as you fade from my world.

After years of slipping through fingers

That clutched so tight, half-moons

Outlined desperate and sweaty palms,

I saw him again, in the wild, not long ago,

And my heart stopped.

The heat in my body radiated like lava,

Melting every resolved feeling, thawing

All those tears I had frozen long ago,

Which threatened to burst right there.

My fingertips sucked the blood back

To my crazed heart that leaks cracks

Like the spiderwebs that held trash

For so long after he left me in the dirt.

And there he was again.

A new body, a new smile, a new life,

Yet still no ring on his left finger.

No surprise Mr. No Commitment could

Change everything about himself

After walking into a sea of death,

Cleansing his soul in the navy blue water

Outside his broken hometown and rising

To the challenge to help girls like me.

His first, or maybe his last, I'd like to think

I stayed on his mind until his dying breath,

Until God showed me that beautiful smile

As he waved and walked back into the sea.

But, he's back and will never be mine again.

I lay my weary head upon that soft long grass,

And yours sleeps in the shade of the old apple tree.

I do not dig deep, for desperate aches rest shallow,

I reach for what’s been pressing against the latchkey.

Behind the mist and haze and broken memories,

A fragile, almost cold light, flickers on the wick.

It’s the thought of you punting from Magdalen Bridge,

And I watch it escape in ripples from pale flame.

So, I close my heart and bring down the latch once more,

For fear, one day, I open it, and you are gone.

He said I tasted of peaches.

That is what he will remember the most.

He told me, "I will take you anyway I can get you."

I think he thought it was romantic.

And maybe it is,

maybe I am so broken I cannot recognize love,

even if it is a desperate kind.

I told him,

"I think I can only give you a shadow of what you deserve.

There is nothing whole in this hollow cavity.

Can you love a ghost?"

"Yes, I will take you anyway I can get you." He repeats.

And all the while

I'm reminded of when we first met,

that I smell of peaches.

The small of my back tingles

from a brush of his fingers,

now a ghost on my spine.

And I am left wondering just how much of a ghost I am.

Have I done this to myself or am I more dream than shadow ?

Across the expanse of distance and pain

I'll find my way back to the warmth of home

To the echoes of love and memories that linger

Refusing to be extinguished

Even as a shadow

Across the expanse of distance and pain

I'll find my way back to the warmth of home

To the echoes of love and memories that linger

Refusing to be extinguished

Even as a shadow wine

In a refrain that beats stronger

With every step I take

Through the blackness of night

I'll chart a course through the stars

To find the beacon that shines bright

Illuminating the path back to your loving sight

In your arms I find solace

My heart calmed, my soul at peace

Forever and always

My love will be the safe haven

Where our hearts beat as one

And in your eyes, I am home

even as a shadow, even as a dream

but he comes back

as a nightmare, as a memory

we eat dinner at a restaurant, it's midday

and he orders dessert that doesn't exist

'a watermelon muffin'

it looks awful and artificial, no wonder

i don't have one

it's stale, the last one at the grocery store

somehow we're there too

food, being yelled at and underdressed

it's all the same

the waiter asks, 'what's the occasion?' as we're leaving

i say, 'five years together, one and a half no longer'

and he's mad at me in the car

for saying that, but i'm also mad

he wants to shower together in my filthy college apartment

we're on the way to and from there, like always

i ask him, 'did you sleep with her this morning or did you break up?'

because those are the only two options in that car, at that time

he calls her 'diabetes girl' when he admits he slept with her

it's less derogatory than anything he calls me

or other women, more odd than anything else

'diabetes girl' is still his girlfriend, i learn

i have a girlfriend too somehow

who i don't like very much

she reminds me of him because she's taller than me

and wants to sleep with me in my childhood bedroom

the walls are still lime green. i must be younger than i am back then.

i say, 'no thank you'

no one showers

i wake up sweating

Awakening crying

Wasn't what I planned for today.

Falling asleep plundering

The words I had to say.

A room full of people

Anticipating your return.

All the while each individual

Staring at your urn.

If only I had one more chance

To tell you how I feel.

I would shout it from the highest high on the widest hill.

I'm not perfect with the words I say

Nor do I show it in my smile.

A simple gesture in waving my hands

Doesn't slender my style.

All I get to do

For my last goodbye.

Is hum it with my tears

Or show a shadow in my eyes.

Dreams follow and hold.

Shadows lead into future untold.

Breathing and gasping.

Stranger bringing you back.

A friend sucking the life out of you.

Fear of life,fear of heights.

Held high in strangers gloved hands.

Given back to warmth and tears.

A tear of life,

enveloping my being.

Future tears,tall building in my dreams.

Escape from heightened masked paternal senses.

The reality of catch and release,from cold latex

to a beating heart.

Your last breath,gasping for air.

A mothers arms reaching into an angels wing.

Holding you close,so you can breathe again.