“Shoot for the moon,” they said. “Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” And so I did. I aimed for the moon, shot higher than I had ever dared, higher than I had ever dreamed.

I didn’t quite make it, but that’s okay. They were right – I landed among the stars. And it was beautiful.

It was darker than I had imagined among those tiny pinpricks of light. From Earth, they always seemed so close together – little communities of stars joined together in their constellation neighborhoods. But once I was out there, I realized how lonely they truly were. Even the closest stars were hundreds of thousands of miles apart.

And now I am among them, a dark spot floating in a dark sea, occasionally passing other shadows, blacker than the inky void that serves as our background. Sometimes when I remember who I once was, I search for something to reach for again, but I think I’ve gone as far as I can go. There’s nothing left to reach for, at least nothing that I can see. I can’t even move backward because there is no backward; there is no direction at all. There is only blackness and shadows and tiny pinpricks of light too far away to reach in one timeline or a hundred.

I long to search for the inspiration and motivation I once had, but it’s hard to see by the light of stars and shadows.

Last week, I applied for an MFA in Writing.

Today, I am going to dye my hair peroxide blonde.

Because I am all talk, apparently, with very little substance.

Five words isn't very many. You have an incurable disease. You are going to hell. You are a bad person. It's only a flesh wound.

Nothing I haven't heard before.

So why do these five words hurt?

Let me explain it as a Facebook post:

[I read a post on Facebook yesterday that lobsters can't scream when they're being boiled alive. Their exoskeleton releases a high pitched noise when it boils, and that is their scream - the only way they can release the pain.]

I put that in "[]" because it is contained.

When my hair strands meet the peroxide, they can't scream, either.

It will be contained, and I will be contained, in this little post where I share that my dreams were put in a pot, boiled, and were determined to be nothing but hot air.

It will be contained, in a hair salon, where I will ask the hairdresser to make me blonde.

In five words, she will say: I will not do that.

In five words, she will say: You will regret doing this.

In five words, the lobsters boiled to death.

In five words, I couldn't scream out loud.

All it takes is five words.

Stars perhaps

light the way

upward

beyond

not a guide

but a mirage

dream apparition

to us here below

that this

is not

all there is

Shadows we have always with us

where we create heat and warmth

the opposite hangs back a cardigan

around our shoulders old tattered

clinging reminding us of darkness

chill that biting nip sting frigidity

Stars and shadows

are good,

to go by

cross my heart

I've never learnt

the sky yet

it's always

with...

day and night

disciplinary

flow

and not

to go by,

our navigation

of Life...

the way it lies

left and right

moving

beside

and within

imperceptibly

deceiving us

with visions

we can't

quite tack

...as stars

in the shadows

of our eyes...

06.25.2024

"Stars and shadows ain't good to see by." Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn @dctezcan

You in the stars now

Not in her body

Not in her belly

Not in her womb

All that is left

Is your shadow haunting him

And your star being admired by her

Your presence never felt

Your scent never smelled

Your smile never seen

Your skin never touched

Him is all to blame

Tears formed never wasted

Smiles broken

Hearts crushed

For the shiny star burning bright

Is you smiling at us

"Stars and shadows ain't good to see by." Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn

Some folks might be inclined to say, “The stars are a just guide to righteousness and everlasting truth.” My reply to such whimsical folly would empathically be, “Best be careful ’lest those bright stars blind the truths found only in what the eye can see.” At which point, those same folks might then be wont to argue, “Well then, best be sure to look behind, beneath, and betwixt the shadows for they lurk both day and night, ever ready to unveil what you seek.” My resounding, resolute, and finite answer would, without a doubt, stand firm, “Shadows ain’t nothing good neither for therein lurk remnants of what truths lie hidden from the hearts of men.”

The last time i looked

and it ain’t been long

took a whiles to remember

the whole dang song

gotta shadow my clouds

and i don’t know how

got some stars in the sky

that are bogus right now

there’s not much to it

if you can’t afford

the cost of the world

and the strum of the chord

but we gotta keep going

in spite of the pain

of the downpour of living

and the lack of rain

think i might have to move

once the missiles are fired

since the mistakes we made

about the things we desired