Reasons your cat may be a CIA agent:

1. Satellites cannot yet see through roofs therefore we need boots on the ground to report activity—Puss in Boots.

2. It’s important to monitor the declining health of the American people—that way they know when we as a nation have reached a critical mass of morbid obesity, effectively guaranteeing we are incapable of fighting back when they take over. The secret cat agents report monthly.

3. To end the genocide of their feline race, the Ambassador for the International Organization of Feline Affairs (I.O.F.A.)signed a peace treaty with China, to spy on Americans in exchange for the use of chicken and pork in all their meals. They have arrived from overseas as trained double agents working for the CIA under the Morbid Obesity Operation (M.O.O) but really report back to the Chinese Communist Party-run by Xi Jinping.

Reasons the aliens left without bothering:

1. Everything here tastes like chicken.

2. Our butt-holes were becoming too expanded for their probes. Evidence points to enlarged rectums caused by being “fuller of shit” the further we evolve.

3. We’re the trashy inbreeds of the solar system everyone’s afraid to contract diseases from. Better stay away instead of bringing home “the itch.”

Reasons the FDA actually approves of alcohol/ nicotine:

1. Better to be drunk and not remember than sober and aware when the government rams us in the ass. The smoke is for after, to calm the nerves and slow the shakes.

2. If we coat our insides with enough fuel and tar when they finally use their satellite lasers for “Population Control,” we’ll ignite like matches.

3. Cause without them, I wouldn’t have had a childhood.

Excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing:

1. “I’m pregnant.” Guys Only: If they contest, tell them that’s how you identify now and instead you need a day off for your mental health so you can process all their intrusive questioning. For Females: nothing more is needed. It’s a Win, Win, Win!

2. “My child bit me. I’m taking her to the vet to be put down. Also, I may need a rabies shot. I’ll be out the whole day.”

3. “I may or may not have overheard my cat talking on the phone last night to the CIA. I have an appointment with a shrink at eleven.”

Wait… what is that hiding in the corner:

1. Meth Grandma. She’s usually okay as long as she gets to smoke every few hours. Just keep an eye on her for when she starts getting twitchy.

2. “Well kid,” as ashes fall from her face and her half-smoked Virginia Slim “Those are your hopes and dreams.” my mother takes a swig from her jug of Rhine wine and passes out on the living room floor.

3. “Oh, it’s just Lucky, our pet possum. If you’re quiet and remain relatively still, at night, you’ll get to see him come out and eat the cat’s food.”

3 reasons my cat may be a CIA agent:

- He watches me as I sleep

- Every time I consider journalism he glares at me till I stop

- I'm pretty sure he staged a coup to have the landlord's cat go missing so he's the only cat in the apartment building

3 reasons the aliens left without bothering:

-They arrived in Florida first

-Some dude showed them Twitter as a way to understand the human race

-Another dude explained the de-yassification of the green M&M and its controversy with pictures

3 reasons the FDA approves of alcohol/nicotine:

-It's the only way some of them cope with the vile creations people try to sell to the public

-It can be beneficial in reasonable quantities

-No seriously you guys someone tried to submit a dry jerky made of squirrel tail. When that got brought into the office, 4 guys went straight to a bar, 2 went to the roof for a smoke, and 3 skipped all those and just went straight to an AA meeting.

3 excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing:

-Hey Boss I'm feeling quite down today, I think I Cod really use a pick me up. I know I was meant to be handling the morning shift (Hali)-but I really don't think I could make it.

-Yeah no seriously boss, I was just telling this green looking dude about the M&M thing and he just started running and took my roof with him

-You give me the day off and that'll be the end of it. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Wait what do you mean fired? I mean I'll take it but wow, talk about an overreaction.

Wait… what is that hiding in the corner?

-Dude I'm not hiding from my cat. Yes this is an application to work for the Washington Post. No man, I told you that CIA cat thing was a joke. Wait, where is he?

-I'm actually choosing not to look in that corner. No I didn't know the shadows growled when you got close. Huh, hell portal? Nah never considered it. Well no, obviously I'm not going to close it, do you know how much I save on heating every winter?

-I can't articulate my astonishment. How is it that you of all people have first contact with an alien race, and within 15 minutes you have them curled up in a corner. Oh my god is it crying, what did you do? Green M&M? Nope, I don't need to hear anymore. Wait, where's your roof?

3 reasons your cat may be a CIA agent:

Top Investigator Award: (1) Always knowing what I’m eating despite my attempts to hide it from him (100% powers of perception with boiled peanuts or chips and dip); (2) Always knowing I’m about to walk in the door and taking a dump right beforehand to ensure the room is adequately “fragranced” and warmly welcoming; (3) Always knowing my alarm will go off in 5 minutes and alerting me of the same by either bouncing across the bed at 100 miles per hour or purring loudly a scant 1 mm from my face.

3 reasons the aliens left without bothering:

Aliens Deserted Us Because Of: (1) Our low minimum wage; (2) Our uninspired alien films; (3) Our slow means of travel.

3 reasons why the FDA actually approves of alcohol/ nicotine:

Alcohol & Nicotine Abuse Encouraged Because: (1) They would like us all to die before a certain age so that our benefits go unclaimed/unpaid; (2) We’re much more tolerable and likeable when indulging (judging purely from personal experience); (3) The alcohol and nicotine business is booming – a bourbon/tequila/vodka for every actor and fancy or hip cigarettes to suit every taste and style.

3 excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing:

Reasons to play hooky and go fishing: (1) You fell asleep and forgot to paint your toenails; (2) You have accrued a total of 8.25 hours in sick leave (and it’s literally burning a hole in your pocket, much like money); (3) Your friend reports the fish aren’t biting (a bad day fishing is always better than a good day at work).

Wait… what is that hiding in the corner?

Three things hiding in the corner: (1) Good Lord, it’s my bra – from 1976; (2) Time to sweep - it’s a collection of toenail clippings; (3) Oh my God - it’s my ex.

1- 3 reasons your cat may be a CIA agent:

1. Unlike most cats, she only lives twice.

2. She was from an Octopussy litter of 8.

3. She's in the Feline Protection Program.

2- 3 reasons the aliens left without bothering:

1. They love gluten.

2. They couldn't appreciate the gravity of the situation.

3. They just followed Elvis.

3- Why the FDA actually approves of alcohol/ nicotine?

The FDA approves of alcohol because it makes them forget about Fentanyl.

The FDA approves of nicotine because it moves everyone else up a notch when a cool person dies.

4- 3 excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing.

1. From the "Eat-Fish-Or-Die" state.

2. Because your boss is a small fish in a big pond.

3. Because hookers on a fishing boat are better than hooking fish for sex workers. Or something like that. Ask me again when I'm sober.

5- Wait… what is that hiding in the corner?

ANSWER: My reputation, where I lost it.

Firstly- three reasons why the cat may be CIA...?

• Hiss! ... she's got the Socialist in anti-social down

• Meww ... that's no ordinary microchipped hairball

• Shhh ... obviously she's a sleeper cell in the drawer

Second- why aliens left w/o bothering...?

• they tried knocking... but we had no sense of humor

• learned our language, regretted we're deaf and dumb

• they really missed non-gmo food

Thirdly- Why the FDA approves alcohol/nicotine use?

• if we don't consume it all, they will

Fourth- three excuses to call out of work to go fishing

• I've been hacking all night, I need a personal day

• ugh... I swallowed some bait...

• no, really, I got a casting call.

Five- what is that hiding in the corner...

• where what? there are still people out there who believe the earth is flat?!

11.15.2023

Lists challenge @Beccawaits @Huckleberry_Hoo

The 1-3 Reasons My Cat May Be A CIA Agent.

1. He can’t account for where he was at the time Kennedy was assassinated.

2. I keep finding weird messages scratched in his litter box that might be secret codes such as:

a)The hairball is wet and spongy.  Repeat…the hairball is wet and spongy. Please advise.

b) The dog humped the mail lady’s leg. Abort! Abort!

c) The black alley cat is in heat…the black alley cat is in heat. Request catnip protocol!

d) The rottweiler knows it's not Tootsie Rolls in the litter. Situation now Charlie Foxtrot!

3. The cat’s scratching post has weird antennae sticking out the top with tiny glowing red lights on the end. I swear that every once in a while I hear someone speaking Russian I'm scooping the litter box.

The 2-3 Reasons Alien’s Left Without Bothering

1. The aliens felt they were being racially profiled.  They resented that humans think all

aliens anal probe everyone they abduct.  This isn’t true, what really happens is they take

the abductee to dinner and a movie first and then they see where things go from there.

2. Earth has developed a reputation as as the Tajuana of the galaxy.  Oh, some aliens

might've occasionally visited Earth, bought a poncho, had some tacos, and enjoyed a bit

of low-class debauchery. However, as some curious and naughty aliens learned the hard

way, if they stay too long, they run the risk of contracting the dirty trifecta of STI’s:

gonorrhea; chlamydia; and genital warts courtesy of a prostitute who goes by the name

of Wanda, or Juan, depending on the alien's favorite flavor.  Being unaware of all the

dangers involved in visiting Earth, the alien life forms would've likely drank the water

giving themselves a raging case of dysentery.  As one can imagine, the 1000 light year

return trip home (with no rest stops until the Andromeda galaxy) without access to

antibiotics to treat the STIs would be painful. In addition, the dysentery fueled Old

Faithful-like diarrhea contaminating and overwhelming their space craft's only

nutritional waste disposal unit would be less than pleasant. Upon their arrival home,

the aliens would quickly warn their peers via the intergalactic travel blog to avoid Earth

at all costs.

3. Recently, as an alien vacation vessel entered Earth's orbit, the ship's sensors

accidentally tapped into a radio signal that played Taylor Swift followed by Justin

Bieber and rounded out with Coldplay.  The ship's crew immediately concluded that

the horrific noise was some deadly new form of auditory defense system designed to

repel alien incursion.  Little did they know, the aliens barely escaped before a much

stronger country music signal was picked up by their sensors.  One verse of, “She

Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” would have overwhelmed their artificially intelligent

navigation system.  Exposure to this drawling audio drool would have transformed

their normally artificially intelligent intergalactic GPS system into an artificially stupid

navigation system.  The result? The alien spacecraft would’ve veered off course, only to

be inescapably caught in the Earth’s gravitational pull. With the artificially intelligent

guidance system offline, the spacecraft would've been sent spinning out of control

plummeting towards Earth at hundreds of miles an hour until it’s lifeless, blackened,

and melted hull finally crashed into the beer booth at the San Joaquin County Fair. It

would've been the alien equivalent to the sinking of the Titanic, minus the god awful

Celine Dion song.

Why the FDA Approves of Nicotine and Alcohol

I’m sure that the FDA considers nicotine and alcohol as an inexpensive way to cull the population with minimal effort.  Who needs war and disease to keep the population manageable? Let those self-destructive folks who overindulge in tobacco and alcohol cull themselves.  It’s an efficient and inexpensive win-win solution to to Earth's increasing problem of overpopulation!

1. The FDA understands that nicotine operates as a self-administered form of evolutionary pressure that weeds out those who lack common sense.  It allows people to accelerate natural selection. Smoke some more! If someone is too self-destructive and dismissive of their health and the health of others to heed the Surgeon General’s warning on their pack of Marlboro’s, do we really want them to procreate?   Thankfully, smokers aren’t exactly prime mating material.  What with their always sexy, phlegmy-hacking-wheezing-hoarse-metastasis filled voice and all.  Now if we could just keep smokers from poisoning children and non-smokers around them it would be a perfect solution to Earth's pesky overpopulation problem.

2. Alcohol: What?  You’re going to quit drinking because you’ve got advanced stage

sclerosis of the liver?  Fuck that quitting shit and have a drink on me!  After all, you

won’t be considered for a liver transplant because, you’d more than likely just wreck the

new one.  So, you might as well go out in a blaze of glory!  Sure, you’ll be so jaundiced

that you look like Winnie the Pooh gone horribly, horribly wrong, but we’ve all got to

die sometime, right? Just don’t drive, okay.  Killing yourself is one thing, killing others

by driving intoxicated, well that is the ultimate state of douche baggery.  Just remember,

play your cards right and you’ll end up in a hospice that’s liberal with the morphine and

you’ll pass away on an opiate cloud.

3. The FDA is in the middle of a complex longitudinal study seeking to understand the

paradox that exists where those who are the least morally, emotionally, psychologically,

financially, and mentally capable people of child baring age can conceive and deliver

children with rodent-like efficiency and quantities while also having a remarkably low

infant mortality rate. It’s called the “Keeping CPS in Business Paradox.”  Oh, it’s a bit

wordie, but it's also about as accurate as one can get.  Like peanut butter to a mouse in a

maze, or cocaine laced alfalfa pellets to a rat, alcohol and nicotine serve as self-

administered behavioral reinforcers for the human longitudinal study subjects.  Without

these, self-administered rewards, it would be difficult to replicate the conditions where

these mysterious, improbable totally irresponsible, and most likely to end in a felony in

some way conceptions occur.

Excuses to Call in and Go Fishing

1. Hi Boss!  I can’t come to work today because I must spend an absurd amount of money to participate in the only sport that might be more boring than golf.  In fact, after purchasing the fishing license, tackle, life jacket, and urine sample quality beer, I will likely have spent more money than I would taking my entire family to a five-star sea food restaurant. During this unscheduled time off, I will absorb enough sun while sitting in a boat to develop every skin cancer known to medical science. I will also likely contract West Nile Virus from the mosquitos around whatever mud hole I’m forced to fish at.  Finally, my IQ will drop between 10 and 20 points as a result of second-hand exposure to country music. Let it be noted that not only will I be bored into a sea cucumber level of consciousness, but I hate fish, so I won’t want to eat whatever I might catch.

2. Hey boss!  I want to live dangerously today instead of going to work. So, I’m going

fishing! As self imposed punishment for calling in, I will force myself to eat whatever I

catch.  By eating my catch, I will be exposing myself to carcinogenic microplastics. I will

also be ingesting enough pesticides and herbicides from the agricultural run off into the

fish's habitat that my piss could used as both a pesticide and defoliant. In fact, just two

milliliters of my tinkle would be strong enough to clear a 100 acre almond orchard of  

every spider mite, caterpillar, foxtail, or blade of crab grass that would dare try to take up

residence amongst the trees. Finally, I could luck out and contract flesh eating bacteria

while standing in water infested with billions of microbes! Who needs expensive

liposuction or gym memberships? If I get flesh eating bacteria while fishing, the inches

and pounds will literally just melt away!

3. Hi Boss!  You know how some people will call out sick to play hooky and have fun? 

Well, I’m calling in, because I'm going fishing, but I promise I won’t be having any fun.

Wait!  What’s That Hiding in the Corner?

1. Alone in a corner it sits, silently gathering the dust of neglect.  It was meant to sing, wail, and growl, but now it’s just a stagnant wooden ornament on a plastic stand. She said it was her dream, her yearning, her destiny, and she wanted it at any cost (so long as someone else paid whatever the cost would be).  So, he gave in to the weakness that a father has for his daughter and bought her the candy apple red, Fender Squire guitar and the practice amp, that he imagined would be the source of a lot of feedback and even more headaches.  Elated to have what she wanted, she took lessons for a month and said the instructor at Guitar Center gave her the creeps (dad knew the teacher and he’s a great guy) and she wanted to quit.  Other teachers?  No, she declared that her hands were too small for the fret board and besides, the strings ruined her perfectly painted black fingernails.  So much for her dreams of becoming the lead guitar player for My Chemical Romance, he sighed as visions of money going down the drain filled his head.

2. The smell hits you first.  The stench is a weird menage of sweat, mold, aged toe jam, and

teenage skin grease with just a touch of peanut butter thrown in for good measure and a

sense of mystery.  A glance in the rooms’ dusty corner reveals the source of this unholy

reek.  It’s a pile of dirty clothes sitting on the bedroom floor.  Oh, but these aren’t just

any clothes.  THESE FILTHY CLOTHES belong to a sixteen-year-old boy.  Shirts,

socks, grayish boxer briefs, gym shorts, and jeans have created a rancid, alien ecosystem

just beneath a Slipknot poster and across from the bedroom's only window. The

window's glass radiates the warmth of the sun providing life-giving heat to the

biological disaster growing within its rays. This natural warmth then accelerates the

fermentation process which takes place in the boxer briefs and acts as an incubator for

the slowly evolving lifeforms which feed on the abundant grease and dead skin cells f

found like nutritious veins of filth throughout the two-foot-high mountain of polyester,

rayon, and cotton.  If a microbiologist could examine just one square millimeter of the

clothing under a microscope, they’d likely piss themselves and call the CDC.  However,

there is no microbiologist present and no scientists in hazmat gear sent in to contain

whatever the pile of clothes has become.  Instead, it’s just mom or dad, armed with little

more than a Tide Pod, and a cap full of bleach who must face the horrific pile of

mutating, logoed biological matter.  That which grows on the Stranger Things T-shirt

has already gained the intellectual equivalent of our ancient ancestor homo-habilis and

it laughs in the face of Tide and bleach.  Nothing short of a full exorcism coupled with

a multi-stage nuclear warhead can end the foul new life that is now growing within the

threads of the teenager’s sweaty collection of Haines and Fruit of the Loom.

3. There it sits silent, rusting, and unused.  I’m not sure if it even works anymore. 

Hmmm.  I’m not sure if this can be salvaged at all. It looks like it’ll need a new set of

parentheses, the commas should be turned, and the periods ported and polished. Who

let the simile and metaphor reservoirs run dry?  Uh oh. The imagination to creation

transmission has seized and the passion gear has melted to the prosaic lifter. I’m not sure

if any of this is rebuildable.  Wow. it keeps getting worse!  The plot generator and idea

alternator are fried, and I don’t think they make replacement parts anymore.  The

adjective pump motor is cracked and when did the verb belt get cut?  Wonderful!  The

pronoun gaskets are leaking sentence fragments. Well, I guess my creative writing engine

is shot. So, I won't be taking a long written journey anytime soon.  Oh well, I guess I’m

just a creative pedestrian. but at least I'm honest. I didn't sneak onto the publication

train using falsified talent tickets like the writers of the print covered toilet paper that are

the Harry Potter, Twilight, and Fifty Shades of Gray books.

Each inverted shot glass trembled as David’s eighth slammed down with the tensest punctuation yet. The parade of them made him feel as if he wasn’t inebriating alone. Uno had been for pain, his dos the opening that attempted to decode the human heart. But by eight he was beyond the broken ghosts in Jocelyn’s bed, convincing himself more each second that this queerest of cats must certainly work for the CIA, all while staring directly at his dog.

She was smart, that brand of intellect that reveals a lifetime of cross-referencing footnotes and trusting microfiche reels more than Google hits. That made it all the more a shame when, after fifteen years, Carla had yet to figure out how every scoop of scat from the litterbox spelled out “cut the blue wire” in hexadecimal.

All I said was, “We’re not going to the vet,” and it was like she knew I was lying.

The entire team of engineers failed to grasp her orders. After all, until such time as one was stupid enough to fill the heavens with too many ships, there really was no reason to construct a reverse setting. This was space. Yet the he viewscreen’s image of Paula Deen preparing a turducken explained what their captain could not. They were on it.

“People of Earth, we come in peace to Mars as you are batshit crazy at home.”

“Yeah. Uh, we’re gonna have to change the whole first contact rulebook from warp signature, to like, whenever the hell those Earth people resolve corporate personhood.”

FDA. We bring you unfiltered Camels to help waste you through the eye of that needle.

Hey kids! FaDA Bear says, “Drink up on potato vodka. It’ll sterilize whatever we missed.”

"Well, we used to be the Food and Dildo Administration, but then someone dipped a strap-on in hot sauce and ruined it for everybody."

"I can’t come in today, Barbara. My wife and I had a fight and she freed my comfort marlin."

"Sarge, you’re not just my superior officer, you’re my best friend. I got this. I ride shotgun in your squad car everyday, sometimes to hell and back. Just like that I’m going to be there, at arm’s length, proud, when you and Margo take that plunge, bind yourselves to each other and start a new life together. I got your back just like you’ve always had mine. But which is more important right now? The 10-89 on Waylon and Main that’s probably a hoax, or the very real possibility that some grizzly is gonna scoop up the very salmon that leapt out of the stream and swallowed the ring?"

"Oh yeah, it’s a thing. You know how you can’t scuba dive and fly in the same 24 hours? You can’t go surfcasting and collate in the same day. People’s wrists have been know to disintegrate."

Though brave enough to take down yesterday’s bison with just a leap and a bone knife, Stone Walker grew increasingly concerned about that which was hiding in the corner, especially as he lived in the tribe’s roundest teepee.

"Look, it’s either that one-eyed, mouth-foaming ratzilla, or your mother, and if it’s the latter I refuse to go after it."

To the human onlookers, it was a horrifying series of clicks and glottal stops amidst the shrill and shrieking din that came from the bigger one’s unhinged jaw. What they didn’t know was that this was simply Spreeklottle getting chewed out by his commander for not having read his rapid colonization handbook, an oversight evidenced by Chapter 7 “The Planet of Rectangular Houses,” and the bloody mess at the recruit’s feet proving that he’d tried to hide in the coroner.

Reasons I suspect my cat as a CIA agent

1. Well... Someone.... Seems to know all my debauchery before properly debauched.... A certain cat-lovin' someone.... A certainly in charge of the cat food someone.... A handler type...

2. I am also a CIA agent

3. You ever seen a nosier cat? I mean, come on.

Why did the aliens leave without bothering us?

1. Florida. Enough said.

2. Global warming. Cause we stupid and created global warming. They were too cozy.

3. Got called into work. They're a higher up, of course.

Why does the government allow alcohol/nicotine?

1. How else are we to fund the Miss America pageant

2. So we all look cool

3. Reagan. Obviously. Not THE Reagan. My cousin: Mikey Reagan. He likes to party.

Reasons to call out of work to go fishing

1. It's not a tumor.

2. Cause when I get that feeling I need sexual healing.

3. Look, man, I've had a sh*t f*ckin' night and I hate The f*ckin' Eagles, man!

Wait? What's that in the corner?

1. Tupac posters. 4623 copies of the same tupac poster that i designed and ordered the day before.... well... you know.

2. What IS that in the corner?

3. Darnell!!! Get back over here! Always playin'!

One. Why my Cat is A CIA Agent.

1. One day I was listening to “Party in the CIA” by Weird Al Yankovic and Jake decided to jump onto the counter and fall into the sink while I was washing my hands.

2. He looks out the backdoor longingly whether or not we feed him, always watching for the next squatter, intruder.

3. He was in a cage when we got him so we’re lucky to get him out and back into action. POW.

Two. Why the Aliens Left Without Bothering.

1. All the graphic designed t-shirts and Mars bars made them feel so self-conscious that most of them either ended their own lives or simply left without another word.

2. After Michael Jordan destroyed the Mon-STARS, a collective agreement was reached to stay away from tall people; the Dutch are now alien-free.

3. When they tried to takeover New York, they felt they needed to know the lay of the land before an attack. A homeless guy yelled at one of them because they weren’t folding their pizza and so they decided maybe Earth wasn’t actually that great of a stronghold.

Three. Why the FDA Approves of Alcohol and Nicotine.

1. If the FDA didn’t approve of these things, multiple assassination attempts would completely destroy the entirety of the program. All of their food would be drugged, poisoned, full of rat hair and poop.

2. Each and every president of the United States vaped at some point in their career. George Washington‘s dentures were specifically made so that the vape would slide in easy. William Henry Harrison’s vape shocked him from the rain water during his inauguration, resulting in premature death. Lyndon B. Johnson was famously so addicted to his vape that he named it “Jumbo.”

3. The FDA is heavily addicted to both substances. Fat, Dumb Americans.

Four. Excuses to Go Fishing.

1. “Listen, my car stopped working and I was going to have it fixed but I can’t find the number to the car company to fix my car, so I’m going to have to fish my way there. I should make it in time before the store closes, but I wanted to call to let you know that I’m on the way, okay? Alright.”

2. “My buddy got into some legal trouble and I was going to go to work, but he was telling me he hasn’t had a good meal since Vietnam, so I’m gonna have to take him fishing today to fix him up something nice.”

3. “Yeah, uh, I’m not feeling very well today, so I’m gonna be missing work here.. I’ve been using Tinder a lot these past few days, getting into the groove, as they call it these days. So if you hear me say “I caught one!” it just means I have a new match, and I’m pretty excited about that.”

Five. What’s Hiding Behind the Corner?

1. My fishing hook.

2. My cat Jake.

3. Lyndon B. Johnson with a vape in his mouth. Oh my God, what is he doing with my cat!

Reasons my cat might be a CIA agent...

1. He never smiles.

2. He looks bad ass in his all black suit.

3. He's so stealthy. I didn't even know I had a cat until now.

Reasons the aliens left without bothering...

1. We ugly.

2. We make up weird butt rumors about them.

3. They kept calling us but no one ever picked up the goddamn phone.

Why the FDA actually approves of alcohol and nicotine...

James Dean looked so fucking cool smoking a cigarette, and Jesus loved wine so much that his blood was 100% cabernet. If Hollywood and God approve, the FDA can't argue with that logic. No cap.

Excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing...

1. I ran out of dead fish to hide in the ceiling tiles of my enemies houses.

2. Doctor prescribed more Vitamin D and B12 if I want to increase my productivity at work, so giving me the day off today will only be a benefit for you tomorrow.

3. This job sucks. I'm gonna need the day off if you ever want to see me again.

Wait...what is that hiding in the corner?

My new black cat! Looks like he's smoking a cigarette. He's so fucking cool.