Those Forgotten Prayers
“Hey! You look just like that actor!”
”Oh yes, Morgan Freeman. I get that all the time.”
”No, George Burns! Say, why’d you stop suddenly, and for no reason?”
”I didn’t stop suddenly, and I had a reason. The light was red. You were too distracted by that woman crossing the road to notice.”
”Ah, you saw her too? I wonder how she got into those damned jeans?”
”I helped her, but I wouldn’t have if I’d known they were damned.”
”You helped her?”
”Well, she asked me to help her, so how could I not?”
”She asked you? You mean, you were with her? Dude, you are killin’ it for an old guy!”
“Of course I was with her. I’m always with her… but I think her exact words were, ‘Dear God, get me into these pants and I’ll never spread cream cheese on another blueberry bagel, not even if it’s whole grain.’ So how could I not help her?”
”Ha, ha! God love her!”
”He already does. Say friend, she’s on her over way to that coffee shop on Main Street. If you hurry you can probably catch her. When you get there, maybe you ought to compliment her eyes though, and not the jeans.”
”Yea, that‘s good advice, my guy. I’ll try that. But what about this damage to your bumper?”
”Forget about it. Chalk it up as a casualty of love.”
”The eye thing… do you really think it will work? That she’ll go for it?”
”I’m sure of it.”
”How can you be so sure?”
”Because you asked me for her. I think the exact words were, ‘Dear God, if you’ll just give me someone to love I’ll never be a dumb fucker again.’”
”I said that?”
”Yea, you did.”
”And the eye thing is gonna work? It sounds a little corny.”
”Trust in me.”
”Well, you seem pretty smart for an old guy, so alrighty then. I guess I’d better run if I’m gonna catch up to her! Hey, I’m really sorry about the car, and thanks a ton for letting it go. Being as this is my lucky day, I’m gonna head over to that coffee shop, and God willing she’ll be there like you said. Compliment the eyes, you say? Instead of the jeans? You’re sure about that?”
”Yea, young Dude. And no worries. God is willing… and infinitely able.”
”Cool! Hey, I hope I see you around some time.”
”Me too, my young friend. Just keep your eyes open for signals and your mind open for signs.”
”Roger that, old Dude, Roger that. Damn, I hope I’m as smart as you when I’m your age!”
”Ha! That’ll never, ever happen!”
"Do you know who I am?"
"The guy who thought he had enough space to cut me off?"
He just stared at me with eyes so piercing they seemed to look through me. I just shook my head and pulled out my phone to take a picture of his documents while also pulling out mine.
"Well, do you?" He said in such a booming voice I started to think I should get back in the car and call 911.
"Well, as soon as you show me your license, I'll know."
"I don't need a license."
"How am I not surprised," I rolled my eyes. "I don't know where you're from, buddy, but around here, you need a license to drive."
"I am He who makes that which is made."
"Oooookay. Look, I think we'll have to get the police involved. If you don't have a license I assume you also don't have insurance. I need a police report so my insurance rates don't jump through the roof because you're an irresponsible driver." I started to dial 911.
"Why don't you understand? I am the Creator of all that is and ever will be."
I paused, looking at him with raised eyebrows. "Ooooooh. God. You think you're God." I started backing up slowly.
"I do not think. I am."
"Well actually, the phrase is I think therefore I am, but whatever. I'm sure you're right," all said as I inched back towards the door of my car.
"Do not walk away from me. You hit my car. You must repair it."
"I hit your car because you made an error of judgment."
"I do not make errors of judgment."
"Um, yeah, must be nice to live in your head," I said, sliding into my car and locking the door.
When the police arrived, He was standing on the hood of my car urging all the passersby to repent for God was amongst us and the end was near.
They called the local psychiatric hospital where he is now a guest on the floor housing all the other patients who think they're God.
My insurance rates went up since He was found not liable due to reasons of insanity.
"Mazeltov, my son. It's a Girl. I mean it will be"
"No Problem," God laughed
"Why did you stop so quickly if you clearly knew I am trying to get my wife to the hospital? Do you know your brake lights are out?"
"Of course I know. I am All-Knowing. And that is precisely why you had to stop before you and your burgeoning family died in the accident."
My questioning was interrupted by an explosion about 200 yards away at a stop light.
I was unable to move. I must have been in shock
"But, what about those people ahead?"
"Everyone's fine. Have a Fantastic day"
He got in his car and proceeded to drive away. I wondered why he saved us when bad things happen to good people all the time. I had to ask. How often do you get the chance to meet God? I quickly ran up to his window. He stopped and put the window down.
But the man in the car wasn't God anymore. It was someone else. It was an elderly man that could barely reach the steering wheel. My confused mind had trouble finding the right words.
"I'm sorry, Sir. Your brake lights are out," I said.
"Oh thank you, young man. I'll take care of that as soon as possible. "
As the car drove off, the damage I had done to the back of the car was gone. I looked back at my own vehicle and the damage was also gone.
I took the alternate route to the hospital and my wife gave birth to a girl.
Here’s a Sucker
Jesus christ! Mortified, shaken but unhurt, I quickly pulled out my no-fault Our State coverage.
I was just about to give a litany of apologies for my failing to stop at the corner as I should, and having caused untold damages to persons and property, when the absurdly clean white suited persona, he/she, rose out from behind the tinted glass of the hybrid Benz and cut me short with a tall look and magnanimous gesture down:
"You're kidding me, right?" Frowning at the puny paper.
"Uh" and I think o.k. maybe we are old school in my small, totaled Pontiac Firebird, "I do have it on my phone too, if you'd rather I email it?"
He/she persists: "Is this is your insurance?"
"Yes. It's maximum coverage," I add proudly.
"You've put your full faith in paper." The mirror glasses bug-eye me.
"Well," I swallow, immediately thinking Almighty dollars. Green back paper, gold somewhere, right... but yeah paper. "And I get a new car replacement," I mean that's what I think I signed up for based on the advertisement, right?
"Ahem," says the authoritative neutral voice, self-righteously and I begin to feel hot and inadequate in coverage, and lose my cool:
"Bible is paper, too."
"The Bible is not The Word of God."
"No," with a pause, then adding: "You have home insurance, too?"
"Yes. It's required." I don't know why I answered.
"And life insurance?"
"--uh that's optional."
"Our agent will be calling."
He/she extends an arm to leave: "Sour apple? Blue raspberry? Watermelon?
--with Our compliments."
Rear-Ended Challenge @DrSemicolon
By God, he was wrong
The name was weird.
As was the address.
I had a lot of questions on both.
He answered all with patience, nearly convincing me he was God but, a question rang in my head. How was he distracted? What was he doing? Did he engineer the incident to meet me?
What could be the reason?
The love of my life left me when I spoke of marriage.
My parents just about abandoned me as soon as they could. Were unsuccessful for a very long time.
My friends are my online avatars. No god's there too.
Why? Did he want to meet me, help me? No. No. No. No. No.
Nothing makes sense.
My understanding of Ockham's razor applicability says he made a mistake.
So, I asked him to prove he was not distracted performing a miracle for someone.
His question was, "How do I do that?"
I told that he needs to convince me and not to question me. How do I know there was no miracle taking place in the world at the time of the accident.
With a smile on his face he said, let me think about it.
A Good Turn
I've been driving this beater for 15 years now. I got it back in high school and never really had the heart to upgrade.
I work in a shady part of the city and most of my clients are in the very least, part time criminals. My car used to be keyed over every week. It's been a long time since then, however. They all know me now, their kids know me and we keep each others secrets.
So when I rear ended the slow Subaru at the gas station by mistake (well not really, but a little push never hurt anyone), I expected the guy to take one look at me and wave it off.
Instead, an elderly man stepped out, with beady eyes and a walking stick.
"Hey," I called out as I got out of my car too. "Man, it's hardly a scratch."
"You damaged my car on purpose. You will pay for a bumper replacement." he said in a croaky old voice.
I laughed. "Look, I didn't do it on purpose. Besides, you drive a Subaru. If anything, it's my bumper that is dented worse."
As much as 'no' was a complete sentence, I didn't want to give this old man money. It was probably a scam anyway. Maybe he was new here.
"Okay. Whatever floats your boat. See ya." I said turning around and walking back to my own car.
The old man started following me and I stopped to turn and raise my eyebrows at him.
"What?" I asked. I felt my hackles rise as the man reached inside his coat. I wasn't scared of confrontation, having lived on this side of the streets for years, but I wanted to avoid a fight.
Fortunately, what the man pulled out wasn't a weapon, it was insurance papers.
"Can you contact this company and ask your insurance company to help pay for repairs?" he asked. It was honestly quite sweet, and the man seemed honest enough.
"Sure." I lied easily. "Of course. Let me note it down."
I took one look at the page he handed me and burst out laughing.
"Mr. God Almighty?" I wheezed. "Place of residence The Heavens! Old man this is quite the prank. Thanks for the laugh."
He looked upset for some reason and snatched back his papers.
"It's true." he said, a sulk setting in on his face. "I am God. And you hit my car on purpose."
I let out a low whistle. This was almost certainly someone's grandpa with deteriorating cognitive skills. I had to deal with this kindly and well.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I hit it on purpose. Only because you were so slow. I'll have my insurance contact yours." I said placatingly. "Now, do you have a home address I can send it off at?"
The man frowned. "No."
"No home address?" I asked.
"No." he said.
"You don't want me to send it off?"
"No." he repeated.
"...okay. So what's the problem?" I asked, perplexed.
"You didn't mean your apology."
"You need to mean it when you say sorry. Otherwise it doesn't count." he said sagely.
Great. Not only was this man loony, he was going to moral police me. I was genuinely sorry I came to this gas station anyway.
Maybe doing a good turn would help me in the long run, though. Come to think of it, my karma points have been dismal lately. The old man probably needed the bumper money for something essential like food or medicines.
"Fine. I am sorry. I mean it. I should have had more patience and not rear ended you. I have noted your car number and will ask my friend who is an agent to help you get your insurance cover. Please just go away now." I said not completely dishonest. I really did have a resourceful friend at the only insurance company in town. He would make sure the guy got a decent settlement.
His face lit up a little and something tugged at my chest. It may have been the undercooked ravioli my wife made for lunch today, but she worked so hard at it, I had to eat all of it.
"Here." I said, handing him a few fifty dollar bills. "This will cover some of the cost."
I turned back hastily before he could follow and got into my car, mouthing with a sigh "thank God". I hit the accelerator and got the hell out of the gas station without the gas I came for, but still out of money.
Against my better judgement, I looked at my rear view mirror and saw him waving enthusiastically.
"You're welcome!" called the old man, his croaky voice very loud.
I somehow made it to the next gas station without my car shutting down and bought a raffle ticket with the extra change. And what do you know, there really is a God. I won a thousand dollars!
Did this story make you laugh? Let me know your thoughts! Thank you for reading.
He Suffereth Not Insurance Companies
So, I was on my way to work, minding my own business when this silver Rolls Royce Cloud cut me off, sliding in front of me with centimeters to spare. Then the jack ass decides to break. Of course, the laws of physics dictated that my car's body in motion stayed in motion slamming into the Rolls' whose movement came to an abrupt halt in front of me. It was time to get trailer park on this rich fucker who doesn't know how to drive.
"A turn signal woulda been nice," I growled jumping out of my car. A weird glow suddenly appeared from within the Rolls and I heard a host of angelic voices singing in Latin as a sandaled foot left the driver's side of the car. Before the driver stepped out a rainbow suddenly appeared over the car accompanied by an earth-shaking thunder. Understandably startled, I then noticed the vanity plate on the Rolls that read, "HOLIEST1."
"Fuck me." I said, "I had to go and rear end God."
Of course, when God stepped out of his car I was blinded by a heavenly light and had to turn my head. Squinting, I waited for the expected lightening bolt to hit me. After all, if you rear end God, you're probably going to experience that wrath he's so famous for. After a couple seconds I realized that I hadn't been fried to a crisp.....yet. The ground then shook with his voice.
"ART THOU ALRIGHT?" he asked.
"Um, yeah," I stammered. His voice was exactly like I thought it'd be, one part Morgan Freeman, one part James Earl Jones, and one part James Brown.
"It I who transgressed against thee," he said, lowing his voice to a mild rumble. "I'm not good with signals."
"That, uh your Godliness, is the understatement of fucking creation," I said feeling a little emboldened.
"What meanest thou," God asked, with a hint of irritation in his voice.
Note to self, thou shalt not swear before god. "Well, in case you haven't noticed every religion on the planet believes that it is the one true faith. You need to clarify what it is that you want us to do and how we should treat each other. And forget using messengers and prophets to proclaim your will to humanity. That has NEVER worked and it never will. YOU need to say it for yourself because if you don't wars will continue to be fought in your name, people will continue to be conned out of their money by those pretending to do your work, and priests will continue to prey on altar boys. No more ancient, vague instructions that are open to random interpretation. Be specific!"
"Hmmm, thee maketh a good point," God replied, "I've been meaning address these issues. Maybe I could appear unto someone as a burning bush again. It worked with Moses."
"Nope." I said, "It only sorta worked back then and it won't work at all now."
"A smiting like Sodom and Gomorrah, with fire and brimstone," God pondered.
"Probably not," I replied, "Although if you go that route, might I suggest Fresno, Bakersfield, Nashville (with particular emphasis on the Grand Ole Opry), Atlanta, Pensacola, Mobile, or Dallas as potential targets for the destruction of entire cities thing?"
"If it is my will it shall be done," God offered. "Maybe sendeth a plague of locusts?"
"Turn rivers to blood...set forth the angel of death...a plague of frogs on the land?"
"No, No, and NO!" I cried. "JESUS CHRIST! None of that is gonna work!"
"Junior can't help," God sighed. "Thou won't get any smiting or wrath out of him. What dost thou suggest?" God asked.
I sighed. Leave it to me to open my big mouth. I get into a fender bender and find myself consulting God on how to stop humanities religion driven, bat shit crazy, desire to wipe itself off the planet issues. I should have taken a sick day.
So, I figured I should give it a shot and explained, "People today don't really think. They're just not interested enough in improving themselves to bother with creating original thought. Instead, they have technology to do it for them. I guess you could call it a techolobotomy.
I paused, hoping I was earning myself a reprieve from damnation.
God gave an earth shaking, "Mmm Hmmm," so I figured I needed to continue.
"So, the ONLY way you're going to get your message out is a media blitz," I explained. "I'm talking live in-deity interviews on CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS CSPAN, BBC, Telemundo, and Aljazeera. You can forget about FOX news and their ilk, they worship that lying, con artist, sexual predator, draft dodging, Trump for some reason. After the traditional media, you'll need to hit Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and all those other wastes of time. Of course, you'll need to get a YouTube channel going too."
Now I can't tell you if God was getting it or not because of the whole blinding light thing, but I think he did. Plus, I hadn't been struck by lightening or covered in boils yet so I figured he must be listening.
"Now, you'll need to keep your message simple because politicians and Kardashians will be watching. Pretend you're talking to an inbred weasel. You could say something like, "Stop killing each other, you hairless monkeys! This is what I want you to do!' Then you lay it all out emphasizing no more letting people go without food or medical care, stop fighting wars, and end prejudice and hatred. Most important of all, stop making no talent hacks like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift famous!"
"Hmmm. I shall taketh it up with Paul, he handles PR," God replied.
I nodded, thinking I might have ducked the wrath of God thing. Still, there was the matter of the fender bender. "I guess we should exchange information."
God chucked and said, "I created all, with the help of evolution. I suffer not insurance companies. A fender bender is nothing."
Then our two cars were surrounded by a soft, glowing light. Amazed, I watched as my front bumper and the rear end of the Rolls miraculously mended themselves.
"Thanks your Godliness, "Just one more thing. What brings you down here?"
I was surprised to hear God sigh, "Savior's mama drama. Mary thinketh it's funny to appear in potato chips and rock formations. She also maketh statues unto her bleed from the eyes. The angels hath warned me she is planning to put her image on the backs of all calves born on this day. It brought laughter unto us at first, now it's a burden unto heaven. I must stop this, even Junior is scornful of his mother's foolishness."
Feeling that my audience with the Big Guy in the Sky was over I started walking towards, my car, "Yeah that does seem annoying," I said thinking I just dodged an Old Testament level smiting. "Thanks again for healing my Honda."
"Oh thy car will not work," God chuckled.
"Uh, why?" I asked.
"Thine oil, antifreeze, windshield wiper fluid, and all other fluids in thine Honda hath been turned to wine. It happens when me or junior come unto you," God explained opening the door to his Rolls. "Fear not." he said disappearing inside the car, "The Good Samaritan's Roadside Assistance hath been notified and shall help thee."
With that, the Rolls Royce's engine roared to life and the creator of the universe was gone.
Heavenly Rear-End Rumble
The sun had set, and the traffic was at a standstill. Jim McAllister was on his way home from a particularly trying day at work, the kind that makes you wonder if the universe is conspiring against you. As he glanced at the ever-present gridlock on the highway, he never expected what was about to happen.
In the car ahead of him, brake lights suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree, and Jim, reacting a split second too late, found himself in a most unfortunate situation. With a loud, nerve-rattling crunch, he rear-ended the car in front of him.
Jim cursed under his breath and pulled over to the side of the road, waiting for the other driver to emerge. After what felt like an eternity, the car's door creaked open, and out stepped a figure dressed in a plain white robe. Jim blinked in disbelief as he realized who stood before him.
God Almighty himself.
“Ah, shoot,” Jim muttered. “I thought I'd have to wait till I died to meet you.”
God sighed and looked at the dented bumper of his celestial vehicle. “I really liked this car. It had a lot of sentimental value.”
Jim tried to hold back a chuckle. “So, what's your plan, big guy? Are you going to forgive me for this minor celestial fender bender, or are we going to have to part the Red Sea to sort this out?”
God raised an eyebrow. “I'm a patient deity, but this is a bit much.”
Jim shrugged. “Let's not forget, we were both in a traffic jam. You could have used your divine powers to float above it, but you didn't. That makes you equally responsible for this mess.”
God crossed his arms, his divine brow furrowed. “I suppose you have a point. But I am God, after all. My responsibilities are a tad more significant than your daily commute.”
Jim grinned, feeling a surge of confidence. “Look, I'll make a deal with you, big guy. I'll pay for the damages to your chariot, and in return, you have to promise to make traffic jams disappear worldwide.”
God chuckled. “That's a tall order.”
Jim wasn't finished. “Or how about this? You help me with my work problems, and I'll promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Deal?”
God scratched his chin, pondering Jim's offer. “You drive a hard bargain, Mr. McAllister.”
Jim extended a hand. “It's a deal, then?”
God shook his hand and smiled. “Agreed. Let's fix this car and the world together.”
Let's be perfectly honest...
Do you really think you can give humans the power of free will
And not expect this to happen?
I mean, look...
You made me, right?
How...in the name of you
Could this not be your fault?
If I build a car, and the car breaks down after the first mile
Is it the car's fault?
I made the damn thing!
You made me, SPECIFICALLY with the fatal flaw of imperfection
PLUS free will.
Honestly I'd say that's criminal negligence
It's almost as if you planned this to happen
You're almost as bad as those mothers who keep their children sick to get attention.
Is that what I am to you?
Did you make us just so you can play the victim card to all your friends like..
"Oh poor me...look, the humans have committed another genocide!"
Man...honestly just pay me now
We can settle this between us
How much cash do you have on you?
“What the fuck’s up, man?”
God stepped out of his car. I’m out of mine.
“Why’d you stop like that?” I asked. “You had time to go, I had time to go. That yellow light stayed yellow for a while.”
“It was gonna turn red. Are you kidding me? Why are you even arguing with me right now?”
“Because you’re a lousy fucking driver, that’s why!”
“What’d you just say to me?”
“I said you’re a fucking lousy driver.”
“Fuck you, you hit my car!”
“It’s not like it’s gonna kill you or anything, I’m the one in harm’s way!”
“No, not good! You were gonna have me killed.”
“If I planned for you to die, you would’ve.”
“So you’re just making my life harder?”
“I gave you free will and you used your only bit of freedom to ram into my car.”
“You stopped at a yellow light!”
“Yes, because it was going to be red, which means I can’t go.”
“You can go at a yellow light.”
“Not when you can prevent it. You’re supposed to slow down, isn’t that right?”
“Yes, and I understand that.”
“Because I was slowing down due to the yellow light, I came to an eventual stop at the line, not speeding up to go past the light because you’re supposed to slow down.”
“But you could have made it. That’s what you’re not understanding. You could have made that light no problem, you should know that. How do you not know that?”
“Because it doesn’t matter. When I gave people free will they went and did things like build roads and create police departments to boss people around. They also made yellow lights. I’ve lived in this country for a year now, and if I’ve made everyone follow all my rules then I suppose I must follow the law of the land.”
“This is absolute bullshit. You’re not God. No God would create an accident like this, they’d do what they could to prevent it.”
“I followed the law. At a stop sign you slow down, correct?”
“I pass if I’m able, otherwise yes.”
“Then I did nothing wrong and we need to call the authorities for running into me.”
“I accidentally hit you because you slowed down too fast at a non-red hit that we both could’ve made. I assumed you would go and you didn’t. You had the opportunity and decided to brake check me, and guess what. I failed.”
“So you admit this is your fault?”
“Fuck no, this isn’t my fault. It is your fault for coming to a complete stop at a light that wasn’t red.”
“You make no sense. I hope you realize that.”
“Fuck you, you’re not making any sense.”
“Hey, be glad you hit me and not anyone else.”
“I wouldn’t have hit anyone else because anyone else would have made that light.”
“Do you get into car accidents often?”
“This is my first one. Thank you for totaling my car, piece of shit.”
“Call the cops, bring them here, explain your side of the story. Good luck.”
With this, God got back in his car. The entire time we had been at the scene of the accident, not moved to the side of the road. When I got back into my car to retrieve my insurance number, I looked out at God’s car. It had absolutely no marks. I found this peculiar. I grabbed my insurance papers and walked to re-check the damage to my hood.
There was none.