I miss you, I guess
I saw your mom today, it was normal because I see her all the time. She waved at my car and I waved back, and pretended it didn’t hurt.
It made me think of you,
of nights spent on the living room floor on a blow up mattress;
of midnight drives to get ice cream because the movie made us cry.
I still think about the nights I slept on your bedroom floor because my mom and I were fighting. You were my safe space. I don’t want to admit it because it makes me feel weak, but: I miss you, I guess.
It doesn’t seem fair, that you cut me out without an explanation. Why was I the piece of your life that got tossed aside? It was hard to hear that you felt that we couldn’t be friends anymore. I suppose eighteen years doesn’t much these days.
I’m not angry anymore, but I still feel like I am missing a piece of myself. I miss you, I guess.
Remember when you came to my wedding, but instead of standing next to me where you belonged, you were in the back row in a black dress.
I hugged you, but I was angry.
Remember when you came to my graduation, not for me but you were there.
I hugged you, I cried into your hair.
Remember your grandfather’s funeral, when we drank tequila and talked about the past. It felt like old times, that was weird.
I hugged you, and that time the tears weren’t over you.
Remember the family reunion, we played soccer with Danny and Sam. We talked about tattoos and jobs. I laughed, but I was hurting.
Its hard to say goodbye to people you still see but know they aren’t thinking about you anymore. You could call me tonight and I’d drive to Ohio, but I know I’m still blocked on your phone.
I miss you, I guess.
For so many years
I wasn’t there for you
And I thought I was right
There were so many times
I thought I might be wrong
And those were the only times I was right
After all these years
I’m ready to admit
I should have always been there for you
I’m here now
And I’m not going anywhere
But you’re not sure where you want to be
It might be too late
Can you trust me?
Do you love me?
Will you be here for me too?
I don’t know where you are
And you’re not sure either
I can’t say I blame you
But after all these years
I’m going to keep being right here
Waiting for you
It's the one thing I know is right
Fires That Never Ceased
I know I told you that I wasn’t angry anymore.
That I’ve accepted it’s my turn now to undo the damage that was done.
And I lied to you that day -
I lied to keep the peace,
Because when it comes to you, keeping peace is much easier than any truth that I could speak.
The truth is that it grows like ivy around every rib in this cage.
The truth is that I can only tell the truth because right now you’re a hundred miles away.
In a completely different state,
Not just by distance, it’s also of the mind.
Because you’re probably back home brewing up your hops,
And I’m still swallowing down the memories while they scrape at my insides, and I’m choking on every drop.
Like how you could fight a war on foreign ground,
But you couldn’t fight the hands at home that tried to make me drown.
You didn’t stop the death of your own blood,
But you stopped that blood from standing up.
You left us with the demon that even you were running from.
I know it was your duty,
Not necessarily your choice -
But it was your choice to make me stay.
For 18 months at first, and then another 6 delayed.
I remember crying to you through the screen,
Begging for reprieve.
“Just send me back to my dysfunctional mother, at least she doesn’t strangle me.”
And you looked away, your thoughts looming heavy.
You took a deep breath, and peered through the camera at me,
Your eyes were hollow, but I could tell you felt free -
Because you didn’t have to watch her that night,
You didn’t feel the hot spit of her scream.
That was one of the days you talked about accountability.
And holding one’s self to such -
In that fatal moment I knew we’d lost touch.
I knew we’d probably never get it back -
I was just a bad kid, and you were just an army dad.
I know if you were here, you’d probably feel this in your chest.
But you’re miles away and that’s how I like you best.
Because you and I both know, you’d just say I’m being dramatic.
That I “just have to get over that shit.”
Concealing nail marks on my cheeks just isn’t comparable when it comes to dodging IEDs.
The irony is that now you and I are both diagnosed with the very same thing.
It’s that complex version of PTSD.
And so that’s why I lie,
and I keep the peace -
Because while you think that your war is over,
Our fires never really ceased.
I searched your name in google again, just to see what you're up to.
Your hair grew. A lot. It doesn't look great.
I had a dream about you again, asking to rekindle us. To forgive you and start anew. It's been a while since I had one of those dreams, the ones where they're so much better than reality itself. Waking up shaking and crying, yelling at god or the universe or anyone who will listen.
But I'm learning to let go. I'm healing from you.
I'm letting people get close to me. Physically and mentally.
I'm letting people tell me they love me again.
I'm letting myself try again. Try anew. Try to love.
Let my heart be ripped in two.
It's funny. Because even though you're living the life we dreamed, I'm still glad I'm not you.
Like glue we're stuck together, he always at my side.
At least his body is, I can't speak for his mind
That's often somewhere else, eyes staring at a screen
And as the years roll by, I start to feel unseen
He sulks when I go out, to spend time with my friends
But never wants to join, I'm really at wits end
The ache of loneliness is growing so profound
And yet I'm not alone, he's always there - around
Sometimes there is a flash, of interest in me
And I catch a rare glimpse of what we used to be
Then there's a ping or some other cursed tone
And again I'm pushed aside, in favour of his phone
I stood there by your side
I stood there by your side as I watched you wither. Your rosy cheeks turned to hollow and your warm hug turned to a weak cold clasp.
You looked me in the eye and said you are living, but I looked back and there was no life left. The deceit of your lies has made me reach out into that deep abyss to save you from falling to the bottom. But you put on armor so impenetrable my hand had slipped and I lost you to the fiend of your mind.
I tried to dive deep, swim through the broken shards, open the gates of loneliness and yet you locked the door and built a new wall between us. Then my breath finished.
Many years have passed and my heart got fixed and I started to live. And now when I look at you, I must look away as there is still that abyss in your eyes inviting me fall into that old cold cell.
I stood there by your side, but now my heart is away.
She was my best friend growing up, I think kindergarten through sixth grade. It was convenient to have a friend your age right across the street.
There was no betrayals or bitter falling outs. We just had different classes in middle and stopped talking.
I was mad at Her at first, for leaving me alone. Then I made friends. They were mean and I spent the whole misery sixth grade with them. I was mad at them and Her.
Then I made new, and actually good friends in seventh grade. As my anger at Her faded, I kind of forget about Her too, not even realizing She moved farther into the neighborhood in eighth grade.
Sophomore year of high school, She was in a class with me. We smiled and made small talk. More like acquaintances than friends. I saw her and spoke to Her, but She wasn't really there.
She is friends with one of my friends. My friend told me that She showed them a picture of me when I was younger. It might have been fourth grade, when She had a disposable camera.
I still see Her in the hallways, sometimes we smile and wave. She's not in my life anymore, but I haven't forgot her.
Even when I go off to college in a few months, and she won't physically be in my life anymore, I hope she'll still be there in my mind.
Perhaps its pathetic that I am desperate to see you, that I need you with every fibre of my being. More than the need to be with you, its the need to quell the questions inside me that makes me desperate. Was my friendship ever worthy of you? You always reside in my thoughts, everytime I remember our conversations, I feel the need to come after you and ask for closure. We never dropped off one day, we just drifted apart slowly, rather than hold on like you promised you let me go. I just wish I could know somehow that you remember me now, that you miss me...
A mothers plea
shivering light of the red giant
the weymouth’s pine stoops dimly,
casting pale shadows from the west.
through crumbled strains,
a calcified pile reaches ground cover.
colorless heaps catch a breeze,
turning to the wood,
your presence sensed,
fueling gentle wisps,
igniting a resentful gust of wind.
over what’s left, I sit.
loose grains remained,
coming up, I feel you
calling my name.
a voice much older,
ascending a request.
“time ground me
against these wooden grains
as I lay here in this pine drape.
remanence of blood
plunged through my flesh,
escaping my mourning veins
every time I tried to come to you;
seeping and seeking refuge,
leaving me desolate
with only fear to cling onto.”
“I tried one summer
in the searing heat,
to taste the sweat the wood sap bled.
out from the deep,
in these expanding staves;
to be born again
of the white pine’s sugar.”
“but God stopped the sun
and Satan turned it red.
laying my tree low, to litter the soil.
with a broken soul’s purpose,
my spirit roared! rising
to clang on heaven’s gates. yet,
your heart had passed on me.”
“I tried to come to you
through thin cracks~
where the wind tapped.
within drops of rain,
feeding the garden beds
of potato and bean,
so that you could forage in spring.
yet all the glamor of it’s fruits
washed away~ clawing
outside the plots,
every day you came.”
turn this soil- take this seed.
let the last bit of me touch your skin.
with a voice fueled only by the
thick high-flown sky,
I ask for forgiveness.
let my plea nest in your mind,
to set you free; in your ears -
to chime and wake your heart.”
“you see, I’m in the space between~
waiting to come to rest in your peace.
to dwell forever, together.
and as you live on,
I can give beat to your heart
once more .... like when
I first became your mother.”